


Trollstuck: Make Her Pay

by Elizabeth Culmer (edenfalling)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Archaeology, Arguing, Flirting, Gen, Illustrations, Multi, Pesterlog, Trollstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-04-22
Updated: 2013-10-12
Packaged: 2017-11-04 02:52:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 51,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/388875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edenfalling/pseuds/Elizabeth%20Culmer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein the four beta!kids are and always were trolls on Alternia, Sgrub/Sburb does not exist, and Troll Jade Harley is on a quest to keep her friend Aradia from dying.  Things will almost certainly get more complicated, but that's a good place to start.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jarlia

**Author's Note:**

> I am writing this story in response to a prompt from [explodingfrogs](http://explodingfrogs.livejournal.com/), who asked for _an AU in which the human kids grew up as trolls alongside the canon troll kids on Alternia_ and thus gave me IDEAS. I know more or less where this is going to end up, but because I have no strong opinions on how to get to that ending, I am writing this in sections on my journal under the tag [-trollstuck](http://edenfalling.dreamwidth.org/tag/-trollstuck). If you want to play along and help direct the POV character, feel free!
> 
> (It's generally best to do that on my journal, FYI. By the time I post a chapter on AO3, all you can pick is which person to be in the next chapter. But you can always throw out random crazy suggestions! I use more of them than you might think. *grin*)
> 
> I apologize for the iffy quality of the illustrations, which I blame on A) my inherent lack of artistic ability, and B) the fact that MS Paint is my only graphics program. No, seriously.

**==== >Be Jade Harley**

You can't do that! For one thing, you're on Alternia and Earth does not exist in this universe. For another, Sgrub does not exist and therefore Earth may never be created, even in another universe. Which does raise the interesting question of how you're reading these words, but let's move on before this story becomes hopelessly entangled in meta.

**==== >Be Troll Jade Harley**

You are JARLIA AGAION, and you have just woken from an early aftermidnight nap. You take a lot of naps, partly because your lusus tends to be awake during the day so your sleep schedule is a little erratic, but mostly because when you are asleep, you see the future. You think this is a pretty neat psychic talent -- maybe not as flashy as _some people's_ gifts, but nothing to be sneezed at! Particularly when you also have the brains to put the random snatches you see together into a coherent picture, and the technology and social skills to do something about it.

**==== >Define "do something about it"**

Either get ready for what's coming, or figure out how to change it. Duh!

Right now, you desperately need to change the future. If you don't, your friend Aradia is going to die!

**==== >Jarlia: Change the future**

\-- gleefulGorgon [GG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] \--

GG: aradia!  
GG: please be home!  
GG: i have something very important to tell you!  
GG: like really really really important!  
GG: oh for pitys sake answer me aradia  
GG: this is a question of life and death!  
GG: your death!  
GG: death death death death death death  
GG: come on you know that word is like catnip for you  
GG: DEATH!!!!!!  
GG: with big pointy teeth!  
GG: or actually with vriska brainwashing sollux and big fiery explosions but anyway  
GG: death!  
GG: ......  
GG: ............  
GG: youre not home are you  
GG: shit

It looks like Aradia is not in her hive and has her laptop buried in her sylladex so she can't hear the chime of incoming messages.

Phooey. You'll have to do this indirectly. Doing things indirectly is so much more complicated, and such a pain since most of your friends are kind of, well, jerks. But! You will persevere.

Hmm. Who's the best person to enlist for help?

**==== >Ponder options**

There's no point trying to warn Sollux. Vriska can only control him half the time, but he has a migraine tonight and that leaves him open, no matter what you might say to him. And that's assuming he'd even answer his computer. You need to come at this sideways and get somebody to deal with Vriska since you know she'll ignore anything you try to tell her.

The obvious choice is Kanaya. She talks to Vriska all the time, and she's probably the only person who tries to talk her down from her stupider ideas. Buuuuuut, now that you think of it, you're not sure Vriska ever actually listens? Drat.

Vriska used to listen to Terezi, at least sometimes, but you're pretty sure they're not speaking to each other right now, which is part of what kicked off this whole mess that's going to end with Aradia vaporized in the ruins of her hive. And that pretty much leaves Jothan.

Oh, double phooey. You like Jothan -- he's a fun guy! -- but his sense of humor can be a little, well, _dangerous_. Especially where Vriska is concerned. This is probably not going to end well.

But you have to try! Aradia's life depends on this!

You'll just have to be sneaky.

**==== >Be sneaky**

\-- gleefulGorgon [GG] began trolling ghastlyTrickster [GT] \--

GG: hey jothan i have a great idea for a trick!  
GG: want to hear it?  
GT: ~~ oh hey, jarlia! sure, I'd love to hear it.  
GT: ~~ but i thought you didn't like my jokes anymore?  
GG: yes well i am still upset about how close you came to killing my lusus  
GG: and stranding me and nepeta outside at dawn last sweep  
GG: that was not funny no matter what you say  
GG: but i was thinking......  
GT: ~~ a strange and uncomfortable sensation!  
GT: ~~ hehehe  
GG: :(  
GT: ~~ just kidding! you're one of the smartest people i know.  
GT: ~~ except maybe for sollux, but he's a douchewaffle so he doesn't count.  
GT: ~~ (and you-know-who, of course.)  
GG: she cant actually sense you typing her name, dumbass  
GG: thats just you being a scaredy little squeakbeast :p  
GT: ~~ hey! i am not a little squeakbeast.  
GT: ~~ i am definitely at least medium-sized. :p  
GG: :)  
GG: but anyway i was thinking  
GG: you and vriska always help each other out these days with your tricks and her plots  
GG: so shes stopped expecting you to pull the floor surface cover out from under her  
GG: and that means shes a prime target right?  
GT: ~~ bluh.  
GT: ~~ you are so right. so very, very right. how could i miss this?  
GT: ~~ she trusts me!  
GT: ~~ this is perfect!  
GT: ~~ what to do, what to do?  
GG: i have an idea!  
GT: ~~ yes?  
GG: you remember the flarp mess right?  
GT: ~~ jarlia, i am not talking to anyone about the flarp mess, okay.  
GT: ~~ do you have any idea how many people have trolled me to tell me I'm an awful person?  
GT: ~~ even feferi did, and i don't think she has any direct friendship with any of those four!  
GT: ~~ it is stupid and ridiculous and not funny at all.  
GT: ~~ it's not like i threw tavros off a cliff myself, and i didn't tell vriska to either.  
GT: ~~ it's not even my fault i distracted terezi and aradia. i thought it was just another joke, and anyway, you should have seen their expressions when the special stardust hit their faces!  
GT: ~~ hehehe :)  
GG: ......  
GG: ............  
GG: you are my friend and i would like that to continue being a thing that is true so i am going to pretend you didnt say all that  
GG: the point is that aradias really mad and sent ghosts to make vriska feel sorry  
GG: but you know vriska  
GG: i dont think its going to work  
GG: especially since ghosts cant actually touch her  
GG: so i thought, what if you sort of pretended to be a ghost and REALLY scared her??????  
GT: ~~ ...  
GT: ~~ this is not about pranks at all, is it?  
GT: ~~ you're on aradia's side and you're trying to make me punish vriska.  
GT: ~~ you know what? you can go suck your own nook.  
GT: ~~ i don't like other people manipul8ing me, and if i want to get back at vriska for using me to get at tavros without telling me beforehand, i will do it in my own time and my own way.  
GG: jothan wait  
GT: ~~ i'm going to tell vriska what you tried to do.  
GG: jothan no dont do that!  
GG: shes going to kill aradia if you do that!!!!!!  
GT: ~~ well that's between her and aradia, isn't it?  
GT: ~~ may the best troll win.  
GG: jothan for fucks sake dont you hang up on me!

\-- ghastlyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling gleefulGorgon [GG] \--

GG: FUCK!!!!!!

**==== >Reassess situation**

Great. Not only did you fail to stop Aradia's coming death, you may have just inadvertently become responsible for giving Vriska the idea in the first place. Stupid self-fulfilling prophecies. They are absolutely the worst part of seeing the future. Usually you're better at avoiding them, but apparently you're not thinking very clearly tonight.

Knowing that your friend is going to die before dawn can do that! 

Now what?

**==== >Troll Vriska's moirail**

You can't do that because Vriska does not have a moirail! She would be a LOT easier to live with if she did. Probably.

Actually, the only people you know who have filled their pale quadrant are Nepeta and that sweaty weirdo Equius, though you have suspicions about Davven and Terezi, and you think Sollux and Aradia are probably leaning toward pale instead of flushed. You think Nepeta is awfully lucky. If you had a moirail, it might be easier to figure out what to do right now.

(Tavros totally does not count. That is completely and utterly platonic, because he is such a wet floor surface cover and lets Vriska and Davven and everyone else walk all over him. But you don't think he'd be any good at helping sort out your problems, and one-sided moirallegiances are just asking for trouble. Look at what happened with Feferi and Eridan before they flipped ashen with Alonde four perigees ago! That was such a giant mess. Almost as big as this FLARP mess you're trying to sort out now.)

**==== >Get distracted thinking about romance**

This is easy because it's a thing you do a lot! When the nights are too short for you to visit Nepeta in person and play hunt-and-pounce in her forest and make sure she hasn't accidentally destroyed the garden you planted for her, you spend a lot of time talking about her shipping wall. Sometimes you argue about which ships ought to become canon, but not angry arguing. (Nepeta's too cute to get angry at her.) Most of the time you just gossip, or pretend one of the completely crazy ships is actually canon and try to figure out how on Alternia it could have happened. Things like Davven<3Alonde, or Sollux<>Eridan, or Tavros<3<anyone.

Nepeta's awesome.

The only other person you know who cares about romance is Karkat, and the less said about him the better. (No matter how big Nepeta's flushcrush is.) Oooh, he makes you so furious! You have never had a single conversation with him that didn't degenerate into capslock insults! He is such a jerk!

Especially when he's right. Which does happen. Very, very, very, very, very, VERY occasionally. It's probably just the laws of statistics taking pity on him, though you can't see why they'd bother when he is such a fuckass!

**==== >Have a brilliant idea**

It suddenly occurs to you that the reason you're not thinking clearly is because you're upset and worried about Aradia but you don't have anybody to help you focus and channel that anger so it's just piling up like a giant heap of fertilizer and stinking up your thinkpan. What you need is a good, cathartic fight to get it out of your system.

You know just the person to troll.

**==== >Troll Karkat**

\-- gleefulGorgon [GG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

GG: good aftermidnight mister vantas!  
GG: how are you on this fine dark season night?  
GG: at home drowning your melodramatic loneliness in equally melodramatic shitty romcoms??????  
GG: signs point to yes!  
CG: OH GOG NO.  
CG: NOT YOU. ANYONE BUT YOU.  
GG: :DDDDDD  
CG: FUCK YOU AND THE BARKBEAST YOU RODE IN ON.  
CG: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I AM BUSY CODING AWESOME AND DEADLY VIRUSES. ONE OF WHICH I WILL SHORTLY SEND TO YOU, HIDDEN AMONG NORMAL DATA PACKETS, WHERE IT WILL STEALTHILY EXECUTE AND BLOW UP YOUR COMPUTER SO THAT I WILL HAVE A SWEET, SWEET RESPITE FROM THE GANGRENOUS ASSAULT OF YOUR TYPING.  
GG: no you wont your viruses never work right  
GG: leave that to sollux  
GG: he actually has a functioning thinkpan :)  
CG: ...  
CG: I WILL LET THAT STATEMENT SIT THERE AS ITS OWN SELF-EVIDENT ILLUSTRATION OF YOUR BLITHERING VAPIDITY.  
GG: well okay HALF the time he does  
GG: which is still more than you! ;)  
CG: AT LEAST I HAVE THE SENSE NOT TO DELIBERATELY BURY MY HIVE IN A FUCK-DEEP TANGLE OF CARNIVOROUS PLANTS.  
CG: REMIND ME HOW MANY TIMES YOUR LUSUS HAS HAD TO RESCUE YOU FROM BEING DRAGGED OUT THROUGH A WINDOW, BURNED ALIVE BY THE MIDDAY SUN, AND DEVOURED BY YOUR OWN GARDEN.  
CG: OH WAIT, DON'T BOTHER, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE  
CG: EVERY  
CG: FUCKING  
CG: WEEK.  
GG: dont you trash talk my garden!  
GG: its a beautiful garden!  
GG: the plants are just being enthusiastic  
CG: ENTHUSIASTIC FOR YOUR BLOOD.

CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO ME? I THOUGHT YOU PROMISED YOUR INSIPID CATGIRL FRIEND THAT WE'D TRY NOT TO FIGHT SO OFTEN.  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: IS THIS YOUR ROBOT?  
CG: THIS HAD FUCKING BETTER NOT BE YOUR ROBOT.  
CG: DON'T THINK I WON'T LOGIC BOMB IT AGAIN.  
GG: you only did that because youre too scared to leave your hive and fight me like a real troll  
GG: scaredycrab!!!!!!  
GG: and no this is not my robot!  
CG: I AM NOT SCARED OF TRAVELING. IT'S JUST THAT SOME OF US AREN'T HIGH ENOUGH ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM TO AFFORD THE KIND OF FRIVOLOUS LUXURY TECHNOLOGY YOU SEEM TO ASSUME THE EMPIRE HANDS OUT TO EVERY FUCKING SUPPLICANT AS IF ROCKET TECHNOLOGY WERE AS CHEAP AS STALE CANDY A WEEK AFTER 12TH PERIGEE'S EVE.  
GG: my poor robot is STILL BROKEN you fuckass and nepeta hasnt talked her weirdo moirail into making me a new one  
GG: which is a big part of my problem tonight  
CG: YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME. YOU GET INCREDIBLY STUPID WHEN YOU'RE ASLEEP. THEN AGAIN, YOU ALWAYS SOUND INCREDIBLY STUPID.  
GG: if i had my robot id have recordings of my dreams and then i might not have fucked up and accidentally made them start coming true instead of stopping them  
GG: and now jothans going to tell vriska  
GG: and vriskas going to use sollux to kill aradia  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: WHAT?  
GG: and i cant reach him because hes got a migraine and hes trying to sleep it off  
GG: and i cant reach her because shes not home and i dont know what shes done with her laptop  
GG: and now aradias going to die and tavros is probably going to get culled  
CG: WHAT?  
GG: and okay that part wasnt my fault  
GG: i dont even play flarp its stupid and dumb  
GG: but aradia dying totally is my fault and i dont know how to stop it  
GG: this is the worst night of my life  
GG: and i hate myself  
CG: SLOW DOWN, IDIOT.  
GG: but i hate you more  
GG: and if i had my fucking robot, you fuckass, this wouldnt be a problem  
GG: so really its all YOUR fault  
GG: and im going to take my rocketsled to your hive and fucking smash your face up into your thinkpan  
CG: JARLIA, SLOW DOWN.  
GG: and lick your stupid hemononymous blood off my claws  
GG: and then  
GG: i  
GG: will  
GG: fucking  
GG: LAUGH!!!!!!  
CG: I SAID SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!  
CG: YOU FUCKING NOOK-SNIFFING DOUCHEWAFFLE!  
GG: i resent that  
GG: im not a douchewaffle  
GG: and hmm, have you been talking to jothan again?  
GG: that sounds like something hed say  
GG: what is a waffle anyway? is it some blueblood thing?  
GG: but seriously! bad karcrab, stop red flirting with that guy!  
GG: youre going to make nepeta sad!  
CG: FIRST OF ALL, WHO I DO AND DON'T TALK TO IS ENTIRELY MY OWN CHOICE AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BIZARRE ROMANTIC FANTASIES OF AN AUTISTIC CATGIRL WHO LIVES IN A FUCKING CAVE IN THE WOODS AND THINKS YOUR FIXATION ON TROLLEATING PLANTS IS A-PURR-ABLE  
CG: OR WHATEVER HORRIBLE PUN IS APPROPRIATE IN THIS SITUATION.  
GG: hey! dont make fun of nepeta  
CG: SECOND OF ALL, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, VRISKA'S GOING TO USE SOLLUX TO KILL ARADIA?  
CG: I KNOW SHE'S A HUGE BITCH, BUT DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE OVERBOARD EVEN FOR HER?  
GG: yes but you see, aradia sent ghosts to make her feel guilty about what she did to tavros  
GG: and then i dreamed that she was going to kill aradia  
GG: and i tried to be sneaky and get jothan to distract her  
CG: THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM. YOU FUCKING FAIL AT STEALTH FOREVER.  
GG: but he figured me out and  
GG: hey! rude!!!!!!  
CG: TRUTH ISN'T RUDE.  
GG: oh yeah?  
GG: try this!  
GG: you are a pathetic social recluse who is even worse than ERIDAN at actual real life romance  
GG: at least he and feferi and alonde have a stable ashen trio going now!  
GG: you cant even tell nepeta yes or no  
GG: let alone terezi  
CG: SHUT UP.  
GG: because youre too scared to let anyone in but youre too scared to tell them no either  
CG: SERIOUSLY, SHUT UP.  
GG: because then you might find out that troll serendipity will NEVER work for you  
GG: and you will be alone forever  
CG: FUCKING SHUT YOUR FUCKING CHITINOUS WINDHOLE, AGAION, OR I WILL STEAL ONE OF MY FUCKING NEIGHBORS' TRANSPORT MECHANISMS AND COME SHUT IT FOR YOU!  
CG: FOR GOOD.  
GG: id like to see you try :p  
CG: YEAH WELL, YOU WON'T SEE ME COMING  
CG: BECAUSE UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE, I CAN BE SNEAKIER THAN A PACK OF RABID BARKBEASTS CRASHING THROUGH THE FOREST ON THE TRAIL OF A WOUNDED GRUB.  
GG: yeah well i have a crossbow  
CG: DISTANCE WEAPONS ARE FOR HUNTING VERMIN AND ALIENS, NOT COMBAT.  
CG: SCAREDY-PETAL.  
GG: scaredypetal??????  
GG: what is that even supposed to mean?  
CG: SHUT UP, I WAS IN A HURRY.  
GG: you fail at insulting nicknames forever  
GG: scaredycrab!!!!!!  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: LIKE THAT EVEN MATTERS.  
CG: WHICH OF US JUST SET OFF A CHAIN REACTION THAT'S GOING TO END WITH A FRIEND'S HORRIBLE GORY DEATH?  
CG: HMMM?  
CG: OH RIGHT, NOT ME.  
GG: :(  
GG: do you even care that aradias going to die or are you just going to use it to score points against me?  
CG: OF COURSE I CARE!  
CG: WHAT KIND OF FUCKING SELF-CENTERED ROT-PANNED BULGE-REEKING ASSHOLE DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?  
CG: NO, WAIT  
GG: do you really want me to answer that?  
CG: DON'T ANSWER THAT.  
CG: BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?  
CG: I'D TALK TO SOLLUX BUT YOU ALREADY SAID THAT WON'T WORK.  
CG: AND THERE'S NO WAY VRISKA WOULD LISTEN TO ME ANY MORE THAN SHE WOULD TO YOU.  
GG: buuuuuut, maybe you could make jothan realize this isnt like one of his pranks?  
GG: and that you cant just laugh and say sorry when somebody dies?  
GG: he doesnt even care that aradia wont know vriskas plan so it wont be a fair fight!  
CG: WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, HIS MOIRAIL?  
CG: THAT FUCKHEAD DOES WHAT HE WANTS WHEN HE WANTS, JUST LIKE HIS SPIDERBITCH FRIEND.  
CG: I BET HE THINKS ITS FAIR BECAUSE TECHNICALLY ARADIA STRUCK FIRST WITH HER GHOSTS, SO SHE SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED VRISKA TO RETALIATE.  
GG: but aradia warned vriska first!  
CG: THAT JUST MEANS SHE SPOILED THE PUNCHLINE TO HER JOKE.  
CG: IT DOESN'T BIND VRISKA TO THE SAME RULES.  
GG: death is not a joke!!!!!!  
CG: I KNOW. BUT THAT'S HOW JOTHAN WILL SEE IT.  
CG: JUST BECAUSE HE'S MY FRIEND DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S LIKE.  
GG: fuck  
GG: what am i supposed to do now?  
CG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.  
CG: THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I KEEP TELLING YOU YOU'RE AN IDIOT.  
CG: LOOK. YOU HAVE THREE OPTIONS:  
CG: ONE, GET SOMEBODY TO STOP VRISKA DIRECTLY.  
CG: TWO, GET SOMEBODY TO MAKE JOTHAN STOP VRISKA.  
CG: THREE, GET SOMEBODY TO FIND ARADIA AND EITHER TAKE HER AWAY OR DEFEND HER WHEN SOLLUX ARRIVES.  
CG: THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.  
GG: well obviously not  
GG: rocket science is easy!  
GG: people are hard  
GG: thats why romance is interesting!  
CG: I THINK THAT'S THE FIRST SENSIBLE THING I'VE SEEN YOU SAY IN FOUR PERIGEES.  
CG: I GUESS STATISTICALLY SPEAKING IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN SOONER OR LATER.  
GG: shut up, fuckass  
GG: if youre such a master of troll interaction, tell me who to try for each of those options  
CG: VRISKA DOESN'T LISTEN TO ANYONE EXCEPT SOMETIMES JOTHAN, OR KANAYA WHEN SHE WANTS TO PLAY AT BEING NICE.  
CG: I DOUBT SHE'S FEELING NICE TONIGHT AND YOU ALREADY TRIED JOTHAN, SO THAT'S NOT LIKELY TO WORK.  
CG: IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE JOTHAN'S MIND, THE ONLY PERSON I CAN THINK OF WHO MIGHT MANAGE IT IS ALONDE, AND I AM SO FUCKING NOT GOING TO TOUCH ALL THE REASONS WHY TALKING TO HER IS A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, EXTREMELY INADVISABLE IDEA.  
CG: BUT IF YOU WANT TO RISK IT, GO AHEAD.  
GG: shes not that bad  
GG: youre just being a scaredycrab again  
CG: THIS IS ANOTHER FACET OF THE INSANITY THAT MANIFESTS ITSELF IN YOUR MURDEROUS HOUSEPLANTS, ISN'T IT?  
CG: ANYWAY, I'D GO WITH OPTION THREE. FIND SOMEBODY TO SAVE ARADIA.  
GG: ......  
GG: ............  
GG: ..................  
GG: yeah about that  
CG: HMMM?  
GG: im pretty sure the only person who can reach her in time  
GG: and also get away faster than sollux can fly and/or fight sollux without getting blown up  
GG: is davven  
CG: SO?  
CG: LAST I KNEW THAT FUCKING SHITSTAIN BULGE-MUNCHER WAS YOUR FRIEND AND DIDN'T HAVE ANY REASON TO DISLIKE ARADIA OR LIKE VRISKA.  
GG: thats true but you see......  
GG: hes always been the person i ask to help me change the future  
GG: and he got so sick of me telling him to do things because of horrible futures  
GG: which he hadn't seen happen  
GG: that he said he was never going to listen to me again  
GG: even though the reason those futures didnt happen for him to see is because he DID listen to me  
GG: and if he hadnt listened terrible things would have happened to him and me and everybody else!  
GG: like whats happening now  
CG: YOUR SYNTAX IS GIVING ME A HEADACHE.  
GG: well SORRY!  
GG: its not my fault alternian wasnt designed with the right tenses for weird time shit  
CG: DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE ABOUT YOUR PATHETIC EXCUSES?  
GG: you look like scaredycrab gray hemononymous text on my computer screen :p  
CG: DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE ABOUT YOUR INABILITY TO UNDERSTAND FIGURES OF SPEECH?  
CG: DON'T ANSWER THAT.  
CG: THE POINT, IF I PARSED YOUR SELF-PITYING DRIVEL CORRECTLY, IS THAT KRONOS WON'T HELP YOU BECAUSE YOU ABUSED HIS WILLINGNESS TO HUMOR YOU.  
GG: if you want to be mean about it yeah  
CG: TRUTH IS NOT MEAN.  
CG: THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUS. GET SOMEBODY ELSE TO PERSUADE KRONOS TO INTERVENE ON ARADIA'S END  
CG: WHILE YOU TALK TO ALONDE AND ASK HER TO INTERVENE ON JOTHAN AND VRISKA'S END.  
CG: A NEWLY-HATCHED GRUB COULD FUCKING FIGURE THAT ONE OUT.  
GG: asshole  
CG: I WILL GRACIOUSLY INTERPRET THAT AS, "THANK YOU FOR SOLVING MY PROBLEM, KARKAT, BECAUSE I'M TOO MUCH OF A HYSTERICAL IDIOT WITH A POLLEN-ROTTED THINKPAN TO FIX MY OWN MISTAKES."  
GG: whatever  
GG: i dont have time to tell you all the ways youre so completely wrong about that  
GG: but......  
CG: BUT WHAT?  
GG: this physically hurts to ask, but will you get terezi to talk to davven?  
GG: while i talk to alonde?  
GG: i know you hate talking to him, but shell listen to you and hell listen to her  
CG: ...  
GG: well?  
GG: we dont have all night, fuckass!  
GG: give me an answer so i know who to troll next  
CG: OKAY. MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO WORK WITH YOU FOR ANY REASON, I WILL EXPLAIN THE SITUATION TO TEREZI AND ASK HER TO DEAL WITH KRONOS.  
CG: MEANWHILE, I HOPE ALONDE FEEDS YOU TO ONE OF HER PET SHADOW-WRAITHS.  
CG: I WILL FIND HER INEVITABLE RECORDING OF THE EXPERIMENT, AND I WILL GORGE MYSELF SICK ON POPPED AND SALTED KERNELS WHILE I WATCH AND LAUGH AT YOUR PAINFUL, SICKENING CORRUPTION AND DEATH.  
GG: ......  
GG: youre still a fuckass and i still blame you for breaking my robot, but............  
GG: thank you karkat  
GG: <3<

\-- gleefulGorgon [GG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

CG: WAIT, WHAT?  
CG: YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT AND RUN AWAY, YOU POLLEN-GRUBBING COWARD.  
CG: WHO'S THE SCAREDY-BEAST NOW?  
CG: I'LL TALK TO NEPETA ABOUT THE FUCKING ROBOT. TOMORROW. MAYBE.  
CG: <3<


	2. Alonde

**==== >Be the other girl**

I'm sorry, you'll have to be more specific.

**==== >Be the Seer**

I already told you, Sgrub does not exist in this universe! Game titles are therefore meaningless. (Also, you will have to be more specific.)

**==== >Be the girl who would have been a Seer in a different universe**

You will _still_ have to be more specific!

**==== >Be the troll girl who would have been a Seer in a different universe**

Oh come on. Am I going to have to turn this adventure around?

**==== >Be the brilliant, manipulative troll girl who would have been a Seer in a different universe**

Fine. You asked for it. You are now the shipper cat girl!

Your name is NEPETA LEIJON, and you are currently playing tag with your lusus, Pounce de Leon. You can affurd to fool around like this because you already caught a hopbeast for lunch and you also have a bunch of fruits and vegetables (bluh, but Equius says they're good for you) from the garden your best friend Jarlia planted for you three sweeps ago.

You climb a tree using your trusty claws and lurk in wait for your unsuspecting prey to pass underneath on the tempting furest trail.

Except what is this? A strangle rustle in the leaves behind you catches your sensitive ears. Quietly, carefully, you tilt your head to peer back and up...

Aha! Pounce is clever, but so are you. Before she can get into place to leap downward at your unguarded back, you turn and leap _upward_ , grabbing hold of the branch she's on and shaking her loose!

But oh no! She snags your coat with her claws and you tumble out of the tree together.

"Ooof!"

Cats are pawfully heavy when they land on top of you, it turns out. Pounce licks your face with both her tongues in apology, and you practice purring while she pins you to the ground and grooms you back into a semblance of order. You still don't have the vibrations quite right, but you're getting closer every sweep, and Pounce likes that you bother to try.

You suddenly wonder if Equius has ever purracticed whinnying. You doubt it -- he can be so stuck up it's pawsitively painful to watch, which is one reason he needs you! -- but he does make horse puns sometimes, so maybe you can talk him into trying.

You decide to hurry home to your cave and troll your meowrail.

**==== >Please be the other girl**

My goodness, what is this? A spontaneous development of etiquette? Does this mean you're ready to play nicely?

**==== >Please be the terrifying seadweller girl**

All right. I concede that Feferi doesn't qualify as actively terrifying, though a glimpse at her Ancestor clearly shows that she has potential in that direction. Let's get this story back on the road.

**==== >Hours in the past, but not many**

You are ALONDE HEKATA, and you are debating whether to troll your hatefriend Aradia Megido. You and she have never met in person, but her interest in archaeology and your interest in summoning creatures from the Dark Beyond dovetail neatly in your joint pursuit of the true history of your planet and species. You have new information she will be interested in hearing, and you would like to know what she's found on her latest excavation.

On the other tentacle, your co-auspistices are both trying to troll you right now, which suggests that either Eridan or Feferi did something stupid. Again. You should probably sort that out before they both show up at your hive and start breaking the delicate and important equipment you use to record your conversations with Those Unknowable.

On the third tentacle, it might be easier to resolve their problem in person. Furthermore, you only have a narrow window of time to reach Aradia before she finishes her lunch and returns to her dig site.

What will you do?

**==== >Talk to all of them at once**

You are doubtful that this is the most efficient way to proceed, but sometimes your desire to observe interesting interpersonal interactions gets away from you. There are three other points in favor of this plan. Firstly, you are rather annoyed at Eridan yourself -- after all these sweeps, it might be nice for him to show _some_ sign that he's working to understand his various psychological issues -- and you wouldn't mind rubbing his fins in his blood-rank assumptions for a while. Secondly, you believe, from what various of your friends have told you over the sweeps, that Feferi and Aradia get on like a tidal wave -- they both have a way of cheerfully rolling over obstacles in their paths. Thirdly... well, that would be telling.

You send all three an invitation to join a memo on your private bulletin board.

**==== >Open memo**

CURRENT tentacleTormentrix [CTT] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board DOWN IN THE DEEP.

CTT: -> Somenight I must remember to thank Sollux for explaining the intricacies of Trollian's memo function to me. <-  
CTT: -> It is a deeply counterintuitive program, despite its usefulness. <-  
CTT: -> For instance, rather than tracking the participants' respective time zones, it seems to assume time travel is a thing that is possible. <-  
CTT: ...  
CTT: <= What is taking everyone so long? =>  
CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCA: hey lon howws it wwavvin  
CCA: wwhats up wwith this memo shit  
CCA: is there some reason wwe cant just talk normally or somefin  
CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCC: GLUB!!  
CCC: )(ow are you, ALOND-E?  
CCC: You )(ave to kelp me with Mister Grumpy Fins over )(ere or I may STAB )(IM TO D-EAT)(!   
CCA: hey noww  
CCC: )(e is being SUC)( A PAIN!!!  
CCA: yeah an wwhat about you  
CCA: takes twwo ta tango fef  
CTT: -> If you wish me to mediate, it might behoove you to explain the origin of your fight. <-  
CTT: -> I cannot verbally resolve an argument without knowing its subject. <-  
CCC: W)(at do we -EV-ER fig)(t about t)(ese nig)(ts?  
CCC: )(e's talking about genocide again!  
CCA: i resent that i said nofin about actually killin anybody this time  
CCA: since wwhen is it a crime to wwonder about stuff  
CCC: SINC-E YOU N-EV-ER STOP AT WOND-ERING, -----ERIDAN!!! >38(  
CCC: Also I found anot)(er doomsday device in )(is )(ive!  
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAA: g0sh, is this a bad time?  
CCA: an wwhat wwere you doing snoopin around my ship hmm  
CAA: i can tr0ll y0u back ar0und dawn my time al0nde  
CCA: you wwant me ta come dowwn and mess wwith all your stuff  
CCC: T)(AT'S NOT T)(-E POINT! T)(AT'S NOT ANY OF T)(----E GLUBBING POINTS!  
CCC: I don't )(ave anyt)(ing to )(ide.  
CCA: yeah thats wwhat they all say  
CAA: 0h dear  
CTT: => Please stay, Aradia. <=  
CTT: -> I wanted to talk with you before you return to your excavations. <-  
CTT: -> There are some things I would like you to look for in particular. <-  
CCA: lon youre supposed ta be payin attention to us not your fuckin creepy squidbeast communion shit  
CCC: )(i, Aradia! Glub glub glub! 38)  
CTT: -> There is a skill known as multitasking. You might look into it. <-  
CCC: I'm sorry Mister Grumpy Fins is being SUC)( A J-ERK.  
CAA: hi feferi! :)  
CAA: im s0rry im interrupting you guys  
CCA: you fuckin wwell should be  
CCC: )(-------EY!  
CTT: -> I invited her, Eridan. <-  
CAA: even if multitasking is a thing that is happening maybe we sh0uld m0ve 0ur c0nversati0n t0 a separate wind0w  
CTT: -> If you wish to express animosity, aim it at the correct target. <-  
CTT: => Or else. <=  
CCC: W)(at she said!  
CAA: i really feel like a third wheel 0n a tw0-wheel device here  
CTT: -> Shush, all of you. <-  
CCA: thats because YOU ARE  
CTT: => Eridan, do shut up. <=  
CCC: Y---EA)(!  
CTT: => Feferi, please don't interrupt. <=  
CAA: ...ill be quiet t00 i guess  
CTT: -> Thank you, Aradia. <-  
CTT: -> Now. Eridan and Feferi, I need to sort you two out as soon as possible, but I also need to talk to Aradia within a very limited time window. <-  
CTT: -> The plan, therefore, is for you two to contribute to our discussion in a productive fashion. <-  
CTT: -> With luck, this brief interlude of cooperation will remind you that you are civilized trolls. <-  
CCA: i resent the implications a that statement  
CTT: -> Failing that, you should at least learn more about the history of  
CTT: <= Eridan, what did I say about shutting up? =>  
CCA: like im scared a you lon  
CTT: => Excuse me for a minute. <=

**==== >Alonde: Make him scared**

You step away from your husktop, reflecting on the chain of events that has brought you to this pass. Sentimentality has largely restrained you from demonstrating your abilities on your friends, let alone on trolls for whom you nursed confused romantic inclinations for nearly two sweeps before their unbalanced moirallegiance finally imploded and gave you a chance to propose a new relationship to them both. You still have no need to demonstrate anything on Feferi; she understands perfectly well the dangers of the Abyss, both Without and Within. But Eridan is an empiricist, and a dreadfully closed-minded one at that.

A Visitation will do him good.

You dive down the stairs into the underwater portion of your hive, your skirt catching the current that runs through your hive and belling out around your legs as you swim. You pay no attention to the scattered statues of ocean fauna, nor to the numerous piles of carved stone tablets you have found hidden in secret caches in oceanic trenches over the past several sweeps. You head straight for the balcony where you keep your pets leashed.

You've never understood what most trolls have against giant squid. They're very graceful, intelligent creatures, and quite easy to train once you've learned to commune with the primal darkness of the abyssal plains. The only trouble you've ever found with keeping a bevy of them is making sure your lusus understands they're pets rather than food.

You select a sleek young thing with elegant tentacles and a dainty beak and lay your hand between its eyes. As shadows flow from your fingers, you begin to speak.

**==== >X;pfGT"^Foi%21sJBq*(**

Your next actions are unfortunately blanked out by a fundamental interface error between the Outer Darkness and mundane reality. Also, the sound of your speech, even transcribed, would most likely cause computers to explode.

The narrator is attempting to cobble together a workaround for this bug, as it may become an issue if we continue following you.

For now, let's skip ahead a minute or two.

**==== >Alonde: Return to your computer**

You hastily return upstairs, wring the excess seawater from your clothes, and scan the conversation that has taken place while you were gone.

CCC: Now you're in for it!  
CCA: in for wwhat  
CCA: a bunch a fakey fake fuckin mumbo jumbo shit  
CCC: ALOND-E IS NOT A FAK-ER!  
CCA: she only scares people cause they let themselvves be scared  
CCA: its all in the mind  
CCC: IF ANYON-E'S A GLUBBING FAK-ER, IT'S YOU!!!  
CCA: people jump at shadows an then they say oh no alondes comin ta eat me  
CAA: just because y0ur wizards are imaginary d0esnt mean al0ndes summ0ns arent real!  
CAA: ive sp0ken with tr0lls shes killed  
CAA: the h0rr0rterr0rs exist even if y0u d0nt believe in them  
CCC: And t)(ey are )(UNGRY!  
CCA: yeah right  
CCA: so howw come ivve knowwn her for swweeps an swweeps an ivve never seen so much as a fuckin sucker mark on my railings  
CAA: this is just a the0ry  
CAA: but p0ssibly she kept her experiments away because she likes y0u  
CAA: in an ashen manner 0r 0therwise  
CAA: and didnt want t0 scare y0u 0ff?  
CCC: Besides, you s)(oaldn't need proof. You kelp me feed Gl'bgolyb!  
CCA: wwhats your lusus got ta do with anyfin  
CCC: W)(AT T)(-E S)(-----ELL DID I DO TO G-ET STUCK WIT)( SUC)( A GLUBBING D-EPT)( BLIND IDIOT LIK-E YOU IN ON-E OF MY QUADRANTS??? >38(  
CCA: wwait  
CCA: wwhat  
CCC: Gl'bgolyb IS a )(ORRORT----------ERROR!  
CAA: really?  
CCC: Yes, reelly!  
CCC: S)(e's been awfully evasive on t)(e subject, but a few perigees ago I finally managed to coral )(er into admitting t)(at t)(e voices she sings wit)( sometimes are )(er friends in t)(e OUT-ER DARKN-ESS!  
CCA: you havve got ta be shittin me  
CCC: I wanted to get Alonde to translate, but Gl'bgolyb got reelly N-ERVOUS around )(er for some reason!  
CCC: She started raising )(er voice!  
CCC: A few )(undred lowbloods on the coast nearest to my )(ive DI------ED!!!  
CCA: good riddance  
CAA: s0 thats what caused all th0se c0nfused gh0sts!  
CAA: i w0ndered ab0ut that  
CAA: its a neat way t0 die but im glad i live 0n the 0ther side 0f the main c0ntinent  
CCC: Me too! 38)  
CCC: And -Eridan, S)(UT UP!  
CCC: I'm going to be -Empress of ALL t)(e trolls, not just seadwellers. -EV-ERY life matters!

**==== >Rejoin memo**

CTT: -> On that note, Eridan, I would like to direct your attention to a logical flaw in your hatred for landdwellers. <-  
CTT: -> Consider: we are all born from the mother grubs. <-  
CTT: <\- Where do they live? ->  
CTT: -> On the land. <-  
CCA: oh gog not lecture time again  
CTT: <\- Who tends them? ->  
CTT: -> Jadebloods, who are landdwellers. <-  
CTT: -> This further suggests that mother grubs themselves are jadeblooded and share the psychic sensitivities of that caste, as well as the inability to live underwater. <-  
CTT: -> Therefore, if you ever succeeded in killing all landdwellers, you would simultaneously doom our race. <-  
CCC: )(A! TAK-E T)(AT!  
CCA: yeah okay so theres a couple a minor logistical gaps in my plans that might need adjustin  
CCA: doesnt mean the basic concept is wworthless  
CCA: anywway returnin to the point i dont see wwhy im supposed to be scared a you lon  
CCA: like oh no the shadowws are growwin teeth and tryin ta eat me  
CCA: except wwait theyre not  
CCA: oops funny howw that wworks  
CTT: -> All in good time, Eridan. All in good time. <-  
CTT: =:)  
CAA: ...s0meh0w it makes me nerv0us when y0u use smilies  
CTT: =:D  
CCC: I t)(ink I know w)(at you mean, Aradia.  
CCA: bunch a wwimps  
CTT: -> I am forced to agree with Eridan. =:)  
CTT: -> But let us move onward. <-  
CTT: <\- Aradia, am I remembering correctly that you said your latest excavation site appears to date back before the Imperial Era, judging by the irregular use of personal symbols? ->  
CAA: yes!  
CAA: which is very exciting  
CAA: i didn't expect t0 find anything that 0ld still undisturbed and als0 this well preserved!  
CAA: i d0nt think the tr0lls wh0 lived there were happy t0 be buried alive by a v0lcan0 but its awfully lucky f0r me  
CCA: and youre one a the people tellin me im deficient in compassion  
CCC: Because you AR-E!  
CCC: T)(ose trolls would )(ave died t)(housands of sweeps ago anyway! Anyone YOU krill would still be alive except for you!  
CCA: says the girl wwhose lusus eats other peoples lusii by the dozen  
CCC: 38(  
CTT: -> Hold that thought for later, please. <-  
CCA: yeah sure wwhatevver lon  
CCA: i livve ta please  
CCC: Like s)(ip you do!  
CTT: => MOVING ONWARD. <=  
CTT: -> One of my contacts led me to yet another of my Ancestor's caches last week. Tonight I finally finished interpreting the tablets. <-  
CTT: -> They relate to the unification of our race under Her Imperious Condescension, and the various leaders of landdweller resistance to her rule,  
CTT: -> the most important of them being the Grand Highblood, the Gardener, the Gamelord, and a pair of figures you may have heard of:  
CTT: -> Dayblade and the Demoness, who lived at the foot of an active volcano on the eastern coast of the main continent. <-  
CAA: !!!  
CAA: i th0ught they were just bedtime st0ries my lusus liked t0 tell  
CAA: all ab0ut the daring rustbl00d her0es wh0 tricked their way ar0und the caste laws  
CAA: st0le from the rich and gave t0 the p00r  
CAA: saved psychics fr0m being enslaved  
CAA: and s0 0n  
CAA: like the gamblignants except n0t at sea and n0t s0 selfish  
CCC: No one will enslave your moirail! I PROMIS-E!! GLUB GLUB GLUB 38)  
CAA: and pr0bably n0t real either  
CCA: wwhat kind a shitty stories does your lusus knoww  
CAA: thank y0u feferi :)  
CCA: they wwerent heroes they were pitch black vvillains  
CAA: even if i d0nt kn0w if s0llux is pale f0r me back  
CCA: people called dayblade the assassin  
CCC: I am sure )(e is as pale as sun-bleached coral!  
CCA: wwhich is like a laughsassin only kinkier if you knoww wwhat i mean  
CCC: ---ERIDAN!!!!! >38(  
CCA: an the demoness wwas also knowwn as deaths handmaid  
CCA: on account a howw many trolls she killed  
CCC: So t)(ey killed people. So w)(at? T)(ey were AT WAR!  
CTT: -> Precisely. <-  
CTT: -> This was a war of all against all -- or at least that is what Feferi's Ancestor wished the landdwellers to believe  
CTT: -> so they would waste their time and strength fighting each other and thus be easier prey for her own forces. <-  
CTT: -> But resistance proved fiercer than she had expected, which is when she turned to my Ancestor for other methods. <-  
CAA: ...  
CAA: like v0lcan0es?  
CTT: -> I believe that eruption was coincidental. <-  
CTT: -> However, the Demoness and Dayblade escaped the destruction of their home and quickly began to recruit new followers from the population of lowblood psychics. <-  
CTT: -> Clearly the Condesce needed a weapon to counter them. <-  
CCC: 38(  
CCA: dont you sadface at us fef  
CCA: go on lon this is gettin interesting  
CTT: <\- Why should I continue? ->  
CTT: -> The conclusion is obvious. <-  
CCA: no its fuckin not  
CCA: wwhat did your ancestor do  
CAA: wait  
CAA: are y0u saying?  
CTT: => Yes. <=  
CAA: h0py sit!  
CCC: I'M SO S)(OR-EY!!!  
CAA: its n0t y0ur fault feferi!  
CAA: its n0t al0ndes fault either  
CAA: all ancest0rs d0 is sh0w us a path  
CAA: that d0esnt mean y0u have t0 f0ll0w it  
CAA: everyb0dy gets t0 ch00se her 0wn way!  
CCA: i still got no clue wwhat youre all blitherin on aboat  
CCC: T)(e Magician summoned and woke Gl'bgolyb! )(ow -ELS-E would a )(ORRORT-ERROR come to live on Alternia???  
CCC: )(er voice )(urts lowbloods first, t)(en )(ig)(bloods, and t)(hen seadwellers last of all!  
CTT: -> But not you. And not the Condesce either. <-  
CTT: -> That was your Ancestor's condition for the summoning. <-  
CCC: AND I )(AT----E IT!  
CCC: Not )(er, I don't )(ate )(-ER, of course, s)(e's my LUSUS.  
CAA: and she br0ught y0u up very well!  
CAA: :)  
CCC: But I )(ate t)(e way s)(e's always lurking in the back of people's )(eads,  
CCC: I )(ate w)(at -Eridan and I )(ave to do to keep )(er )(appy,  
CCA: aww fuck  
CCC: I )(ate that s)(e's kelped my Ancestor -ENSLAV-E OUR W)(OL-E SP-ECI-ES FOR T)(OUSANDS OF SW-E-EPS,  
CCA: noww look wwhat youvve done lon  
CCC: and I )(ate t)(at I can't do anyfin to FIX IT!!!  
CAA: feferi!!!  
CCA: shell be miserable for nights  
CCA: howw am i supposed to fight her wwhen shes actin so pitiful  
CAA: its 0k feferi i pr0mise!  
CCA: you fuckin ruin evveryfin you huge wwitch  
CTT: -> Somehow, I have been under the impression that my job as your auspistice is to prevent you two from fighting. <-  
CCC: NO!  
CTT: <\- Have I been mistaken all these perigees? ->  
CCA: yeah prevvent us from tearin out each others gills an shit like that  
CCC: No it's net OK!!!!!!  
CCA: or causin excessivve collateral damage  
CCC: )(ow can it be ok to ORP)(AN at least one troll each nig)(t just to keep the rest alive???  
CCA: not fuckin flip us halfwway back to pale  
CCA: i havve half a mind ta swwim ovver ta your wwishy wwashy hivve an showw you howw black i can get wwhen im motivvated  
CAA: 0k thats terrible i agree  
CTT: -> There are nights I think you have half a mind, full stop. <-  
CAA: but if al0ndes ancest0r summ0ned gl'bg0lyb there must be s0me way t0 send her back  
CCA: oh big talk from the faker  
CCA: this is me shakin in my shoes  
CAA: y0u said she sings with the 0ther h0rr0rterr0rs  
CAA: d0esnt that mean shed like t0 g0 h0me?  
CCA: i dont care howw you fooled evveryone else into thinkin youre so scary wwith your fake evvil magic wwhich is not a thing that evver existed and nevver wwill be  
CCC: MAYB-E.  
CCA: but im not afraid a you lon  
CCC: But it's not like I can un-summon )(er, and s)(e won't let Alonde get close enoug)( to try anyfin eit)(er! 38(  
CTT: => No, you're simply jealous instead. Feferi has told me all about your wizard pretensions. =:)  
CCC: )(-EY! You two, stop trying to flip black w)(ile I'm DISTRACT-ED!  
CTT: -> My apologies, Feferi. <-  
CCA: says you  
CTT: -> In any case, Aradia, I wanted to ask you to examine your dig site with a particular eye toward personal symbols  
CTT: -> especially those located in whatever equivalent of a palace or administrative center the town possesses. <-  
CTT: -> My Ancestor was sadly remiss in recording the symbols of her opponents, and I need to confirm or disprove a theory. <-  
CAA: sure n0 pr0blem!  
CAA: can i ask ab0ut y0ur the0ry 0r is it a secret?  
CTT: -> I'd prefer not to reveal it until I'm certain of its validity. <-  
CTT: -> I will say, however, that one of the latest dated entries in my Ancestor's records hints that the Demoness and Dayblade had discovered a method to at least partially block the effect of Gl'bgolyb's voice. <-  
CTT: -> You can see why this might be important. <-  
CCA: fuck no dont you go lookin for shit like that  
CCA: thats just askin for trouble  
CCA: you knoww wwhat her imperious condescension does ta people wwho start messin around wwith forbidden shit  
CCA: lon dont you dare pull me or fef into your little treason party  
CCC: SP-EAK FOR YOURS-ELF, YOU S)(-ELLFIS)( NUB)(-EAD. >38(  
CCC: I want to know everyt)(ing you find, Aradia!  
CAA: all right  
CAA: al0nde ill tr0ll y0u when i get h0me this m0rning  
CAA: y0u can set up an0ther mem0 then :)  
CTT: -> That sounds like an excellent plan. Until dawn, Aradia. <-  
CCC: Likewise!  
CCC: BY-----E ARADIA!!!  
CCA: yeah fuck no leavve me out a this  
CTT: -> No problem. You will be otherwise occupied in any case. <-  
CCA: an wwhat exactly is that supposed to meaohshitwwhatthefuckisthatgetitoffawerhauoieht25  
CTT: =:)  
CTT: c3<  
CTT banned CCA from responding to memo.  
CCC: NAUG)(TY! 38)  
CCC: c3<  
CTT: c3<  
CTT banned CCC from responding to memo.  
CAA: y0u kn0w i cant really tell which 0f y0u is auspisticizing f0r which 0ther tw0  
CAA: but y0ure awfully cute :)  
CAA: later al0nde!  
CTT: -> If you could tell, I'd have to kill you. <-  
CTT: -> That's a joke, by the way. <-  
CTT: -> Goodbye, Aradia. =;)  
CTT banned CAA from responding to memo.

CTT closed memo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alonde's symbol is the Hand of Eris, FYI. Jarlia's is Ceres. Because of Reasons. :-)


	3. Aradia

**==== >Be the other girl**

Oh for gog's sake, not this again. You will have to be more specific!

**==== >Be Aradia**

You are ARADIA MEGIDO, and you are getting ready to return to your latest dig site. You don't eat there, of course -- you may be completely self-trained as an archaeologist but you know at least a little bit about site contamination. So you brought along a grubloaf sandwich and a bottle of water and had a little picnic on top of the now extinct volcano that buried and preserved the ancient town you're digging up.

The view is gorgeous from up here: the endless eastern sea on your left hand, the vast sweep of wilderness and drone-farms to your right with a cluster of brightly-lit hivestems just visible on the horizon, and the lush green valley with its hidden treasure in front of you. The moon is slouching over the horizon now, adding its royal hue to the silvery light of the stars. The little moon is nearly at perigee, almost kissing the edge of Alternia's atmosphere as it slowly swings around its shepherd.

But enough about the landscape! You're more interested in what's underneath.

**==== >Investigate!**

Well really, what else were you going to do?

You captchalogue your laptop and whistle for your lusus. She bounds toward you, her scaled body sinuous as she seems to flow over the rocky ground. Ram-horned raptors are mountain animals by habit, able to balance on slopes so steep they might as well be sheer cliffs! You always feel a little sorry that you live on flat ground, so you made sure to build your hive with lots of stairs for her to play on. She also likes to explore the practice pits you dug in your lawn.

You levitate and begin flying down the remains of the mountain. Raptormom runs after you, leaping from rock to rock. You keep half an eye aimed toward her, ready to telekinetically catch her if she falls, but she never does. She's neat like that!

Soon you are back at the foot of the mountain, where your trial dig unexpectedly dumped you down a chimney into a maze of underground rooms. Well, they're underground _now_ \-- back when trolls lived here, you think they were mostly aboveground, except for the lowest levels that don't have any windows. The construction is very strange by modern standards. Instead of separate hives with lots of open space between them to appease territorial instincts, or tall hivestems that answer the same need by leaving a handful of empty floors between each occupied level, all the buildings seem to run into each other like the whole town was one giant communal hive!

You admit this is very convenient for you, since you can explore at leisure without having to constantly blast your way through hardened volcanic ash -- telekinesis is very useful but not entirely without cost! -- but it's still weird. And it does make identifying important public rooms vs. private areas a bit tricky.

**==== >Ask the ghosts for help**

Don't be silly! Not everyone who dies feels like lingering around Alternia as an incorporeal bundle of memories and emotions. Even the ones who do -- and people who got killed by a volcano in the middle of a war are definitely the kind who aren't going to peacefully move on for a while, any more than Vriska's victims were ready to move on without at least trying to get vengeance -- basically unravel after a hundred sweeps or so. This site is several _thousand_ sweeps old. Any ghosts around here won't know any more than you do. Probably less; ghosts are awfully single-minded and forget a lot of stuff.

If you want to know about the past, archaeology is much more effective than channeling spirits!

**==== >Are you sure about that?**

Well, 0k, necromancy is a thing that exists, but that's more Alonde's area than yours. You'd much rather play around with shovels and brushes and the radiocarbon dating machine that Vriska's creepy neighbor built for you and stared at you with this weird hungry look in his eyes until you smiled and accepted the present. (He is _such_ a creep! He's also never done a thing to stop Vriska though he has to know what she's like. There is no way you'll let him get his claws on Tavros, even if some kind of robot prosthetics or at least an electric four wheel device might help your erstwhile Flarp partner out. You'd much rather have Sollux look up schematics and build something yourself.)

Anyway, why are you wasting time thinking about ghosts when you could be exploring? You need to record all the personal symbols you can find and mark where they occur on your rough map of the site. You wonder if you'll be able to figure out which ones belonged to the Demoness and Dayblade. It's amazing to think they were real trolls, not just bedtime stories!

You float down the chimney into the buried town. Raptormom whines a little before following you underground, her claws easily gripping the ancient bricks. (There are almost no carpenter drone materials here, as if the inhabitants made all their own building supplies. This says something about the organization of pre-Imperial society. You haven't worked out quite _what_ it says, but you're sure it's important.)

When you reach the bottom, you are standing in a communal food preparation block. Wide counters stretch along one wall, and a three-bay sink stands in the corner -- a clear sign that this town had running water of some sort. The walls are lined with hooks that once held cooking implements, but only the ceramic ones remain; there are streaks of rust where iron ones used to hang, and you suspect some of the other empty hooks held things made of wood. This site is very well preserved, but clearly some cave-ins over the sweeps have let enough outside influence in to keep the normal processes of decay at least somewhat active.

You strap a lamp to your head, clip your whip to your belt, and pull your preliminary map out of your sylladex. Three doors open from this room. The one to your left leads into a maze of twisty passages, all alike, lined by what you think are private respiteblocks. The one to your right leads down a staircase to the tunnels that run underneath the town, allowing access to other giant buildings which you have not had time to explore. And the one in front of you leads out into the main public areas of this communal hive.

Which way will you go?

**==== >Go straight**

You decide to start with the simplest option. The main rooms are most likely to have written records and those are what you need to find.

Also, it's really easy to get lost in the twisty passages or the underground tunnels. You _could_ always punch your way straight up with telekinesis, but that's bad for site integrity and also cheating. Mostly you track your passage with a ball of varicolored string Alonde sent you a sweep and a half ago when you wanted to try knitting -- knitting was not a thing that worked out in any way at all, but at least the yarn is useful!

You venture down the short hallway between the food preparation block and a huge, high-ceilinged room that you think was probably a communal food consumption block. The tables are long since fallen to ash and gone, but the floor is tiled in a rough mosaic design of grain, fruit, and meat. You keep forgetting to take pictures for Sollux. You think he'd like the little bees somebody added to the picture, hovering around a bowl of flowers.

There aren't any personal signs or symbols here, though there is a line of writing in an unfamiliar alphabet over the door on the far side of the room. 

Thinking about Sollux and pictures reminds you that you did bring your camera. And if Alonde can translate her Ancestor's journals, she can probably translate this, too. Unless rustbloods and seadwellers didn't speak the same language back then? That seems weird, but if they weren't part of the same empire and lived on the other side of the continent from the Great Ocean without the convenience of computers and rockets to bridge the gap, who knows how different various groups might have been!

Archaeology is so neat. Also frustrating, since so much information is suppressed or only stored off-planet because nobody thinks kids will care, but definitely neat!

**==== >Take a picture**

You aim your headlamp upward and take a picture of the inscription. Then you walk through the door.

**==== >What's the next room like?**

You're not sure what the next room was for. Dancing? Government meetings? Religious services? A market? It's completely empty and the décor isn't very informative. The walls are completely covered in white tiles, the ghostly effect broken only by the utter black of the ceiling and the varicolored tiles of the mosaic sigils that march around the room in three staggered rows. (Also there are niches you think might have been meant to hold lamps.)

The signs are mostly in shades of red, orange, and brown, but there are splashes of higher colors here and there. The frustrating part is that at least half the signs are shown in more than one color. A triangle with a squiggle might be picked out in orange-brown on the lowest row on the east wall, and then repeated in olive green in the second row on the north wall, and then again in muddy yellow on the bottom row on the south wall.

It's like instead of getting a symbol assigned on the basis of blood color and horn shape when they successfully won their way out of the wriggling caverns, people picked them on a whim as adults. You've even seen your own sign in teal, for pity's sake. _Teal!_ (That's in the top row on the west wall.)

It's also in the correct color in the middle row on the east wall, right over the middle of the next doorway, with funny black arrows around it instead of more caste symbols. The first time you saw that, you thought your eyes were playing tricks on you. Then you thought it was a ghost playing tricks. Now you just think it's weird.

But not any weirder than a lot of other stuff in this site. And it's not like the other three doors don't have similar singled-out signs. The north wall has a funny thing that looks like a set of brackets and a plumb bob in lime, the south wall has what looks like a wriggler's attempt at writing 24 in cerulean, and the west wall behind you has something almost like Davven's symbol in the right shade of orange, but with a jagged line through the circle instead of a simple dot at the center.

You take pictures of the doorways for Alonde, and start recording the rest of the room with the video function on your camera. You have to stop twice to shoo raptormom out of the shot; she keeps climbing the walls and licking the tiles like she thinks they might be snacks. Your lusus is not always the sharpest sword in the armory.

Eventually you think you have all the signs recorded.

The east door leads to the entrance of this hive building, which is completely blocked by meters of hardened volcanic ash. The north door leads into the maze of twisty passages, all alike. The west door leads back to the food consumption block. You haven't been through the south door yet; someone locked it before fleeing from the volcano, and there are plenty of open rooms to explore in this town.

Which way will you go?

**==== >Explore the door with your sign**

You walk through the east door. This leads to a small antechamber with several closets and a lot of hooks on the walls, probably for hanging coats. You think the rows of ash on the floor along the walls might have been shelves for boots. A massive set of double doors is painted with a flaking mural of the landscape surrounding the buried town: the ocean, the fields, and the volcano in the distance, looking green and peaceful under the light of exaggeratedly large stars.

You cannot open the doors; they are blocked by many cubic meters of solidified volcanic ash. You wonder what used to be outside them. Fields? A stone plaza? A street and then another building? There is no way to tell.

You sigh. Raptormom butts your leg and then nuzzles your hand when you reach down to scratch the base of her horns.

You turn and go back to the strange room with all the symbols.

**==== >Open the south door to ventilate the locked rooms**

It suddenly occurs to you that locked rooms are generally locked to protect what's inside them, which means what's inside them might be important. You also remember that sometimes air goes bad in enclosed spaces underground.

Hmm.

You extend your telekinesis around the edges of the door, getting a sense of the locking mechanism. It's a set of pin and tumbler deadbolts, basically three cylinders going sideways from the door into the frame. The vertical pins that held the bolts in place were probably wood or thin pieces of metal, long since fallen away, but the bolts themselves are solid stone like the door itself. There is no way to unlock this even if you had a key.

Fortunately, you don't need keys. You just sheer the bolts in half and push the door in, standing carefully across the room in case a rush of bad air spills out.

The room or corridor beyond is totally dark, of course. Everything down here is totally dark unless it's reflecting the light of your headlamp.

You decide to leave the unfamiliar doorway for later.

**==== >Brave the maze of twisty passages, all alike**

You decaptchalogue the ball of yarn from your sylladex and look around for something to fasten it to the north doorway of the symbol room. There is nothing on the floor, but one of the lamp niches is fairly close to the doorway and has a stone lattice around its edge. You tie the yarn through one of the holes and venture into the maze.

This part of the communal hive is much less formal and organized than the large rooms you've just left. It's also much less decorated -- instead of stone tiles or elaborate mosaics, the walls are plain concrete with occasional murals. The art has not weathered the millennia consistently. You're not sure if that's because different areas were exposed to more or less outside influence, or because different artists used different types of paint.

None of the doors back here have locks or bolts and most of them have swung open over the sweeps. You can see signs of simple lever latches, probably made of wood or soft metal. Most of the rooms seem to be respiteblocks, judging by the shallow pools built into the floors. If those aren't primitive recuperacoons, you'll eat your hat. (And it's a very cool hat, so you wouldn't bet it on anything you're not sure of!)

Maybe half of the pools have drifts of ash in them. Apparently the volcano struck during the day when people were asleep. But either this site was severely under-populated or something drove off significant numbers of trolls before the town was destroyed. You've been doing some research on volcanoes and you think the first eruption probably scared people off, but either the volcano seemed to settle down and some people came back, or they just didn't leave in the first place for some reason. And then there was another eruption, only this one caused a pyroclastic surge that baked these trolls in their sleep. They probably wouldn't have had any chance to survive even if they'd been awake. Volcanoes are sneaky like that.

**==== >Enough about volcanoes; get back to exploring**

It's not like you stopped exploring while you thought about volcanoes, but 0k.

The trouble with these rooms is that they are all alike. Aside from the symbols over each door (which probably identified the troll who claimed the respiteblock in question), they are all the same size and they have exactly the same arrangement. There's no way to tell if the trolls who slept in them were leaders or followers. This community seemed to place a lot of emphasis on equality! You think that's pretty neat in the abstract, but in practice it's kind of frustrating.

You've lost sight of raptormom, but you know she hasn't gone far and she'll come bounding back if you whistle.

You take pictures of the signs over each door. Sometimes there's a line of that unknown alphabet painted above or underneath the sign. You take pictures of those, too. Maybe they're titles. Maybe they're just graffiti. It's a mystery!

Most of the rooms are largely bare. Any possessions were made of perishable materials and have long since disintegrated, like the bones and flesh of their inhabitants. But a few things remain. One troll apparently collected ceramic boxes with enameled lids. Another covered every exposed fraction of wall space in tiny, cramped writing. (You photograph that very carefully for Alonde, in case it's important.) Another apparently put a window through the outer wall of this communal hive and set up a row of pots for a little garden. That room is half-filled with volcanic ash now, since apparently whatever the troll used for a protective sun screen wasn't as sturdy as the rest of the building.

As you glance through the meager remnants of other trolls' lives, you can't help wondering what some future archaeologist might make of your own hive, if it were similarly buried and preserved. If nothing else, the artifacts you've collected would probably confuse them terribly, since they're from all different eras and locations.

**==== >Are you lost yet?**

You are an intrepid explorer. You do not get lost!

Besides, you're drawing a map. You stop at each turn in the maze to add to the diagram. It's tricky! A couple times you've turned a corner and almost tripped on your own trail of yarn, when you would have sworn you were heading in a completely different direction. It's especially confusing because the maze includes half-flights of stairs, as if it's built on five or six different levels all at once, but jumbled together instead of being organized into tidy layers. There's something about the effect that feels very comfortable, almost cozy in fact, except for the minor problem of everything being pitch dark and unfamiliar.

(0k, and you being pretty thoroughly lost. But that's what the yarn is for!)

You are about to call for raptormom and start retracing your steps when you see a door with that strange, scratched version of Davven's sign. Huh. If the trolls who lived here thought that symbol was important enough to single out in their special sign collection room, maybe it means something important here, too?

It would be kind of funny if the symbol really was an archaic version of Davven's sign, and this respiteblock belonged to someone in his lineage, maybe even someone similar enough to be his actual Ancestor. 

You decide to take a look.

**==== >Enter room**

You're not sure what you're expecting. Davven's kind of your friend? You think? Maybe? It's hard to tell with that guy! He plays everything so close to his skin. You're frankly surprised he's open about his blood color instead of being hemononymous like Karkat, given how hard it is to get any kind of straightforward answers out of him. It took a whole sweep before he admitted his real name to you, for instance, and you still don't know what kind of animal his lusus is. Even Karkat's not that paranoid. (Or maybe it's just that they're paranoid about different things? Come to think of it, most of your friends are a little paranoid or obsessive about one thing or another. You wonder what that says about you.)

The point is, you don't know Davven very well, and you've definitely never been to his hive. That would be tricky even if he'd tell you the exact location, since he lives on the lesser continent like Kanaya, and rustbloods don't have the resources to buy ocean-crossing transportation technology. And you're not a strong enough telekinetic to fly there. Not like Sollux. Which is both good and bad, and... you're going to stop that chain of thought right now. It leads to depressing places. Like starships.

But anyway! You are pretty sure that, no matter what kind of hoofbeastshit Davven talks to amuse himself, he wouldn't paint... um... _this_ sort of art all over his respiteblock walls.

**==== >Describe art**

Hell no!

It's bad enough you got stuck overday with Vriska's creepy creeping creep of a neighbor that one time because he caught you leaving her hive after a Flarp campaign and you didn't realize how much of a freaky sleazebag he was until it was too late to get home before sunrise. This is like his hive, only worse, because... well, because this stuff actually has some sense of proportion? And an understanding of color balance? And the landscape backgrounds are really pretty and accurate renderings of the area right around the volcano and it starts to fool you into thinking everything's safe and then _bam_ , musclebeast pornography in your face! And not just red and black porn! _Pale_ porn!!! Hardcore intimacy right out where anyone could see!

**==== >Speculate what this might say about Davven**

No thank you!

You prefer to speculate about what might be in the row of chests along the far wall. For one thing, who even makes ceramic chests? Wood or metal are much more common, and a lot easier to move besides. But clay survived the volcano and the subsequent centuries much better than other materials. It's almost as if whoever slept in this room knew disaster was coming and wanted to make sure some things were preserved.

You are now very suspicious!

(You are also trying very hard not to look at the painting above the chests. This one seems to involve puppets? And trolls dressed up as various musclebeasts? Eww.)

**==== >Open chests**

There are four of them, each a solid rectangular block with a lid fitted nearly airtight into a groove just inside the rim. There is no obvious latch or place to get a grip and lift the lids. But that's not a problem. You just lift the leftmost lid with your mind until you can get your hands underneath and guide it carefully to lie on top of the next chest over.

You kneel and peer down into the chest.

It contains stacks of fired clay tablets absolutely covered in writing you can't read. But you recognize the letters. They're the same as the inscription over the door of the symbol room, and the cramped wall writing in that other respiteblock you photographed a while ago. You pick up the topmost tablet in the center stack and turn it over. Yep, writing on the back too.

This is way too much to photograph, especially since the battery in your lamp is starting to run low. You bite your lip, worrying about site integrity. Then you think about the flood of ghosts Gl'bgolyb killed just because she was a little upset -- the death wave you only escaped because you live a little further away from Feferi's hive than trolls on the western coast of the great continent.

You put the lid back into place and captchalogue the chest.

You hastily check the other chests. The second is also full of clay tablets covered in writing. The third contains tablets with what seem to be math. You can't read the numbers, but the lines look a bit like equations and there are definitely some geometric diagrams. Weird. You captchalogue both chests. Hopefully Alonde can figure out the tablets!

You lift the lid off the fourth chest and leave it hanging in midair instead of taking the time to set it down carefully, since you're pretty sure the contents will just be more of the same.

Two seconds later, the lid crashes to the floor and shatters.

**==== >Aradia: Freak out**

NO PROBLEM!!!

It's more than a little scary when a puppet shaped like a demented troll in a hoofbeast costume comes leaping up at your face out of a chest that's been buried under a volcano for thousands of sweeps! How the hell did the springs survive so long? Who even _makes_ a thing like that???

It's still bobbing around with that creepy grin on its face, hands jittering up and down, feet waggling, and torso... torso... oh, eww, is it _aroused?_ You try not to look at the bottom half but its face isn't any better and yikes! Did it just wink at you?

No. Obviously not. It's a puppet; it's not alive. Therefore it didn't wink. QED. The motion of your head holding the lamp and the puppet swaying on its springs is just making the shadows shift in ways that create little optical illusions. There's nothing to be scared of, this is just a silly joke in bad taste, which is not surprising given the "artwork" in the rest of this room. You will calmly and carefully take the puppet out of the box and see what might be hiding underneath, and then--

_Holy shit it winked at you._

**===== >Flee**

You do not flee. You are an intrepid explorer, and also fleeing would be really, really stupid down here. You abscond in a rapid and sensible fashion instead.

**==== >Really?**

0k, you flee.

And it's really, really stupid. You're in a maze of twisty passages, all alike, after all.

When your common sense finally gets the upper hand and culls your burst of blind panic, you've somehow flown out of the section you were mapping with your trail of yarn, your headlamp is flickering and probably about to run out of battery power within a couple minutes, and you have no idea where raptormom got to.

Drat.

**==== >Improvise!**

The simplest solution would be to punch a hole straight up until you reach the surface. But that's a horrible thing to do; it goes against all correct archeological technique. Also, you don't like admitting defeat. You're not feeling very charitable toward Flarp as a concept these days, but you have to admit that playing with Terezi (and Vriska, you guess) has taught you a lot about thinking around corners.

Your most immediate problem is your dying lamp. You make a note to bring spare batteries next time, but that won't do you any good right now.

Fortunately, Sollux has taught you a little about how to jerry-rig electronics. This is mostly because asking him to lecture you on topics he knows inside and out is a good way to start dragging him back up out of the slough of despond that periodically tries to eat him alive, but also because he once got it into his head that you should teach him wilderness survival, he'd teach you technology survival, and that way you'd both be safer in case of unspecified instances of doom. (Also, the duality of the teaching/learning relationship appealed to him. He is such a silly dork sometimes. It makes you feel all gooey around your blood-pusher.)

In retrospect, that was a pretty good idea. You make a mental note to troll Sollux when you get home this morning, before you contact Alonde, and thank him. Maybe tomorrow you'll fly to his hivestem to make sure he's eating enough and repaint his nails. You might even let him brush your hair and tell you to put it in braidth before thetting out, AA, the wind jutht metheth it up and what if thomeone dethided to attack while you had hair in your fathe and couldn't thee?

Your lamp flickers, reminding you of more immediate concerns.

You quickly decaptchalogue your laptop and some of your more delicate tools -- little brushes and wire picks for cleaning debris from fragile artifacts -- and set about cracking open the case and removing the power source. It needs some reconfiguring before it will plug into your lamp, but you manage to get it done.

Your light brightens and stops wavering. This trick should buy you at least another hour. And it's not like you needed your computer down here anyway.

Now you just have to figure out where you are, what path to take, and how to find your lusus. You look around. You're at the bottom of a shallow staircase, facing a cul-de-sac with three doors, one on each wall. The left one has no sign, which going on past experience means it's probably a sanitation block. The center one has a line of that unfamiliar writing; that's not something you've seen before in the maze! And the right door has your own sign.

What will you do? 

**==== >Whistle for raptormom**

You stick your fingers between your lips (occasionally, it is useful not to have much by way of proper fangs) and whistle for your lusus. This is the signal you agreed would mean "I need you!" when you decided crying was for wrigglers. If she can hear you, she'll come find you. Then she can lead you out. Her nose makes her a lot better at backtracking mazes than you are.

In the meantime, you decide to look around the room with your sign. _Carefully_.

**==== >Open the door on the right**

You peer around, but the room is disappointingly barren and normal, like the vast majority of the other respiteblocks. Whoever lived here didn't believe much in decoration, or else used materials that have long since disintegrated. Phooey. You're glad it's not psychologically scarring, of course, but you were hoping for something a little more revealing. After all, whoever lived here thousands of sweeps ago shared your sign and your color. That's more than enough to make you curious. But to no avail, it seems.

**==== >Try the door with the writing**

Raptormom still hasn't shown up. You decide to look around the other two rooms as long as you're here. The left one is a sanitation block, as you suspected. Boring! But the center one might be interesting.

You remember your camera and take a picture of the writing for Alonde. Then you push open the door.

At first you're disappointed. This room is even more barren than the respiteblock, which at least had the standard shallow trough that seems to have served the ancient trolls as a recuperacoon. The walls are plain stone without any hint that they might once have been painted. The only thing breaking the empty monotony is a smudge of black in the middle of the floor.

You kneel and brush away the dust of millennia with your hand, revealing a pattern of black tiles set into the surrounding gray stone. At first it makes no sense to you -- it's not a picture, not a blood caste symbol, not any combination of the ancient letters you can't read. And then suddenly it resolves into meaning. Two words in modern Alternian: "LOOK UP."

**==== >Aradia: Look up**

You tip your head back to examine the ceiling. Your mouth drops open. 0k, this is interesting! In fact, this is more than interesting. This is a little alarming!

You hastily take pictures for Alonde. But honestly, you want to send them to all your friends, because, well, just take a look!

  


How could trolls who lived so long ago know the signs (or archaic versions of the signs) of your circle of friends? How did they know the Magician was going to summon Gl'bgolyb for the Condesce, when that didn't happen until _after_ the volcano erupted? For that matter, how did whoever made this mosaic know how to write in modern Alternian when every other inscription in this buried hive is in a completely different language?

Something fishy is afoot.

A muffled squeaking noise from outside the room distracts you from worried contemplation. Raptormom! Great, now you can get out of this place, head home, and start getting all your new evidence ready to send to Alonde. You really hope she can explain this!

You captchalogue your camera and open the door to the landing at the base of the stairs. Weirdly, raptormom isn't in sight. Normally she'd jump up to butt her horns against your and sniff to make sure you haven't come to any harm while you were out of her sight.

You hear that muffled squeaking noise again. It seems to be coming from the ceiling. Well, raptormom _is_ good at climbing. Maybe she's just feeling playful! Smiling, you look up.

_Holy shit what is in her mouth???_

**==== >Freak out again**

Sorry, you've exhausted your panic glands for the day. Outrage will have to do instead.

You glare up at your lusus. Bad raptormom! You put that embodied nightmare down _RIGHT NOW!!!_

Raptormom gives you a mournful, liquid-eyed stare, but you hold firm no matter how much you want to step back into the empty room and slam the door. Pornographic demon puppets ARE NOT chew toys. That is not a thing that will ever stop being true, no matter what your lusus thinks.

She drops the evil thing to the floor and you use your telekinesis to sweep it into the sanitation block and down a drain to vanish forever.

Raptormom leaps to the floor, twisting acrobatically to land on her feet. She looks up at you, and you bend down to scratch behind her ears and stroke firmly along her spine. She is the best lusus, no two ways about it, no matter what weird things she tries to bring home as hunting trophies. Her tail thumps heavily against the floor and her eyes drift half shut in pleasure as you pull her close and give her a big hug.

Then you stand and tell her to lead the way back to the surface. You have lots of work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we leave Aradia to journey home without us. Please feel free to [drop by my livejournal](http://edenfalling.livejournal.com/619708.html#t2216892) and tell me which character (and when!) you would like to be in chapter four. :-)


	4. Davven

**==== >I'm tired of girls; be a boy for a change**

You know, I hadn't even noticed that, but all right. One male POV coming right up. Any preferences?

**==== >Be someone we haven't met**

That's a little vague. You do remember what happens when you're not specific, don't you? Do you want to be Eridan suffering a Visitation? Because I can do that...

**==== >Be Davven**

Okay!

**==== >Hours in the past, but not many**

You are DAVVEN KRONOS and it has been a very long night. You are so bored, you have almost run out of metaphors to describe your boredom. If boredom were an ocean, you'd have long since drowned. By now the cuttlefish of ennui are nibbling at your skin, crabs snapping their shit-ugly claws down, chopping your fingers and toes, bacteria getting all up in your guts eating you from inside out, cycle of nature at its finest leaving nothing but polished bones. Which the tide will then wash up on the shore and arrange into incomprehensible glyphs spelling out "He died of boredom" in some imaginary alien language.

That is how bored you are.

**==== >Do something interesting**

If there were something interesting to do, you'd already be doing it, numb-globes. But you are monumentally uninspired in the fields of music and art right now, your lusus flew away to hunt or something like the feathery asshole he is so you can't hang or grief with him, and you've even done all your fucking chores and errands for like a week in advance because you were so bored they almost seemed interesting by comparison.

This is the trouble with living on a different continent from all but one of your friends. You only overlap waking periods for a few hours toward the end of your night and the start of theirs -- or sometimes the other way around for the seadwellers, who live even further west. Maryam's not actually any help since she's doing her best to imitate a rainbow drinker and be all diurnal and shit, so she's on the same mismatched schedule as everyone else.

**==== >Make some new friends**

Fuck no. They may be hopelessly uncool dumbass idiots, but they're _your_ hopelessly uncool dumbass idiots.

Besides, it's not all that hard to blink over to somebody's hive and crash in a spare respiteblock for a couple days a week. You used to hang with Agaion a bunch, but these days you're only staying over with Terezi and Jothan. Mostly Terezi. It's easier to work on your epic stupid comic series in person, even if she does have a habit of doodling all over you while you're trying to hash out the shittiest excuse for a plot that's trollishly possible.

You'd up sticks and move altogether except you secretly like the dry desert heat of your home. Also your lusus would never let you hear the end of it. Plus there's the little problem of the empire not looking kindly on young trolls up and leaving their registered locations, but fuck the empire. What's the empire ever done for you?

You lift your hands from your face, where they've been shielding your eyes from the moonlight, and stare up at the clear night sky. Sunglare's gathering along the jagged eastern horizon, light almost the same shade as your blood wrapping hot, grasping claws through the skyscraping fangs of the Scarshreds. Those oh-so-scenic mountains catch what little rain makes it past the coastal range and over the blistering heat of your bone-dry desert home. They also snag any rain that might try to drift south from the steamy river valleys of the northern watershed. The eastern plains are also mostly desert at your latitude, as a visit to Maryam's hive will easily prove, but a fair number of trolls live in the Scarshred foothills, their little lawn rings and hivestems huddling together against the marauding zombies and other daywalkers that stalk and shamble out of the wilderness at irregular intervals.

Wimps. You've lasted over five sweeps out here on your own, just you and your lusus against a world trying to eat you. Yeah, it helps that you had the sense to build your hive on top of a wind-sculpted column of stone (...no one ever has to know that you chose your hive site because it looked badass and not for any tactical reasons) which is murder on zombie hands and claws when they try to climb the sheer walls once you pull up your rope ladders for the day. But even so. You'd bet all the treasure in Serket's hive that even the most useless of your friends would last six times as long as your neighbors if you chucked them in the middle of the desert and absconded with their supplies.

Which is not to say anyone but Maryam, the telekinetics, and maybe Leijon would last long, but at least they'd die from dehydration, not from zombies.

The glare's getting brighter, reflecting off the salt-crusted sand to lance at you from a full three hundred sixty degrees, burning tentacles of light writhing their way under your shades to sink venom-tipped stingers into your eyes. Time to get inside before you start to fry like a grub on a griddle. And hey, maybe some of your friends are finally awake.

Yawning, you roll fluidly to your feet, stretch until your spine makes a satisfying crack, and blink from your roof down into your hive.

Your computer chimes softly to itself as you amble from your kitchen into your respiteblock, munching on some leftover scorpion tails. Someone is trolling you.

This had better not be Agaion trying to sweet-talk you into another wild flapbeast chase. Or Nitram. Normally you have no problem rubbing his horns in his various inadequacies, but it seems a bit much to kick a slurrybro so soon after Serket did her little number on him. Good intentions or not, though, you know you won't be able to help yourself if you see his shit-colored comma infestation on your screen, and that'll piss Terezi off something fierce.

You glance down as you kick your chair out from under your desk. Jade text. Okay, her you're willing to talk to.

**==== >Davven: Answer Kanaya**

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turnwiseGears [TG] \--

GA: Hello Davven  
GA: I Am Unsure If You Are Still Awake As It Must Be Near Dawn At Your Hive  
GA: But I Thought I Would Wish You A Good Morning Nonetheless  
TG: ( hey maryam hows tricks )  
GA: Alas Tricks Are Nonexistent At The Moment  
GA: I However Am Fine  
GA: I Anticipate An Invigorating Day In My Garden And Also At My Sewing Machine  
GA: Not That Either Activity Will Be Of Any Interest To You Im Sure  
TG: ( you want me to play dressmakers doll again dont you )  
GA: Whatever Could Possibly Have Given You Such An Idea  
GA: I Explicitly Said You Would Have No Interest In My Plans  
GA: That Is The Opposite Of A Request For Help  
TG: ( i rest my case )  
GA: Yes All Right Youve Caught Me  
TG: ( booyah )  
TG: ( youve been talking to alonde again i can tell )  
GA: Her Method Of Interaction Is Somewhat Contagious I Confess  
GA: But I Will Ask Directly  
GA: Will You Be My Model Today  
TG: ( lemme think about it )  
TG: ( ... )  
TG: ( nope )  
GA: What If I Said The Shirt Is For Terezi  
TG: ( double nope )  
TG: ( not that ive got anything against classy rags but shit maryam dont be messing with the laws of nature )  
TG: ( she steals my clothes not vice versa )  
TG: ( who knows what catastrophe you might set off )  
TG: ( meteors destroy the world )  
TG: ( hemospectrum tips upsidedown )  
TG: ( barkbeasts flip red for cats )  
TG: ( oh shit call the legislacerators weve got a dangerous scofflaw to apprehend )  
GA: You Fail To Understand  
GA: The Shirt Is Ultimately Intended For Terezi  
GA: But I Know She Will Prefer To Appropriate It From You  
GA: So I Must Make It Fit You Even Though The Other Design Elements Are Aimed At Her Tastes Rather Than Yours  
TG: ( ooh maryam ooh )  
TG: ( you asking me to be in cahoots against my best girl )  
GA: Only For Her Own Good  
TG: ( definitely been talking to alonde )  
TG: ( what the hell though )  
TG: ( slow death from pins and scissors cant be any worse than death from boredom )  
TG: ( half a sec and ill blink over )  
GA: You Dont Need To Arrive Immediately  
GA: I Have Gardening To Finish First  
GA: Its Best To Water Around Dawn And Dusk And I Prefer Brighter Sunlight For Needlework In Any Case  
TG: ( getting near dawn at my place too you know )  
TG: ( nearly time for all good trolls to get indoors and anticipate sweet daymares )  
TG: ( youre gonna keep me up way past my bedtime )  
GA: Oh Dear Im Sorry  
GA: Despite Our Sweeps Of Acquaintance It Never Occurred To Me That You Might Wish To Maintain A Schedule Normal For Our Continent  
GA: Rather Than One That Allows You More Overlap With Our Mutual Circle Of Friends  
TG: ( little heavy on the sarcasm there but not bad not bad at all )  
GA: I Live For Your Approval  
TG: ( thats why i like you )  
TG: ( ok ill hang here for lets say one hour )  
TG: ( then assuming i havent killed myself to see if haunting aradias less boring than my life )  
TG: ( ill blink over to your place )  
TG: ( get this party started )  
GA: Thank You  
GA: We Can Grief Afterwards If Youd Like  
TG: ( see now youre talking my language )  
TG: ( thats the liver all you showed me was the passive aggressive stick next time start with the bribe )  
GA: If I Thought I Could Without Setting Off Your Suspicions I Would  
GA: But That Has Consistently Proved Impossible  
TG: ( yeah yeah whatever )  
TG: ( later )

\-- turnwiseGears [TG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

**==== >Now what?**

You've got an hour to kill and dismember. Unfortunately your hive is just as boring as it was when you went outside to watch the stars. You open an art file and try messing around with the latest issue of your comic -- the shenanigan filled saga of these weird little black-and-white game piece people and their town made of cans -- but you don't remember what Terezi said should happen next and it's not half as fun without her cracking jokes over your shoulder and jostling your hand so the art goes all scribbled and beautifully terrible.

You're about to give up and drop in on Maryam early, maybe snoop around her hive while she's out mysteriously not frying under the sun, when your computer chimes again.

The fuck is Jothan doing up at this hour? It's only just dusk at his hive, way too early for any sane and self-respecting troll to be awake and online. Then again, since when does that describe Jothan? He's always been an evening person.

You wonder what he wants to talk about.

**==== >Answer Jothan**

\-- ghastlyTrickster [GT] began trolling turnwiseGears [TG] \--

GT: ~~ hey davven! what's up?  
GT: ~~ don't tell me you're asleep already.  
TG: ( nah course not sleep is the enemy )  
TG: ( i never sleep )  
TG: ( any time you thought you saw me sleeping was just faking for ironic purposes )  
GT: ~~ hahaha!  
GT: ~~ you are such a liar.  
TG: ( im saddened by your lack of faith bro )  
TG: ( like youre stabbing my own sword right through my blood pusher )  
TG: ( swirling it around mixing all that blood and flesh together into an autoerotic slurry )  
TG: ( just crying out for a whole new quadrant to express the feelings you inspire )  
TG: ( cant call them quadrants anymore theyre quintdrants now )  
TG: ( whole fabric of society and all biological imperatives shaken and rolled out like hyperactive shithive dice )  
TG: ( all because you cant keep faith with your best slurrybro )  
TG: ( for shame man )  
TG: ( for shame )  
GT: ~~ we aren't slurrybros, dumbass. different continents means different mother grubs!  
TG: ( there you go again )  
TG: ( stabbing me in the feelings is your new hobby admit it )  
GT: ~~ new?  
GT: ~~ you mean you only just now noticed?  
GT: ~~ and here i thought you were supposed to be the smart one. ;)  
TG: ( yeah whatever im cutting this off before it gets even stupider )  
TG: ( sup bro )  
TG: ( any reason youre online so early )  
GT: ~~ not really, i'm just bored.  
GT: ~~ vriska's been moping around her hive the past couple nights and she's all twitchy but trying to hide it when i try to cheer her up.  
GT: ~~ and i have no idea where gamzee is.  
GT: ~~ he said something about going to LeNd TaVbRo A hAnD  
GT: ~~ but you know him.  
TG: ( no i dont )  
GT: ~~ yes you do. i've seen his old trollian logs.  
GT: ~~ you trade sick rhymes like they're going out of style.  
TG: ( rapping with a guy and knowing a guy are two completely different things get that straight right now )  
TG: ( if they were the same thing i wouldnt know you from an alien now would i )  
GT: ~~ bluh.  
GT: ~~ ok fine. the point is gamzee's gone walkabout and didn't take any computers with him so he's useless for hanging out.  
GT: ~~ and karkat's been pissy at me this week for some reason.  
TG: ( yeah some reason )  
TG: ( couldnt possibly guess what that might be )  
TG: ( nope not at all )  
TG: ( im all out of guessing over here )  
TG: ( i am as without a clue as fucking tavros nitram whoops maybe thats it )  
TG: ( not that i know how you can tell if vantas is more of an asshat fartsucker than usual )  
GT: ~~ oh fuck you too, davven.  
GT: ~~ you hate tavros. why do you care what vriska did to him?  
GT: ~~ besides, it's not like i laid a claw on him.  
GT: ~~ i didn't even touch aradia, let alone terezi!  
TG: ( i dont hate nitram i just dont give a flying string of birdshit about him )  
TG: ( hes a useless waste of breath and its hilarious to mess with him when he thinks hes being all cool and trying to mess with me )  
TG: ( but a bunch of other people like him for some unknowable reason and its fucking dumb to pretend you dont know why our friends are pissed off at you )  
GT: ~~ why mister kronos, is that sincerity i detect????????  
TG: ( were not talking about me were talking about you and your utter lack of clue )  
TG: ( like what kind of dope lets spiderwitch talk him into cahoots without getting all the details of the plan first )  
TG: ( could his name be jothan aeolio )  
GT: ~~ hey! vriska's not a witch.  
TG: ( yes your tyranny yes i do believe it could )  
TG: ( bang the gavel summon this king of dopes before the court )  
TG: ( what does he have to say for himself )  
GT: ~~ do i call terezi names? no i do not.  
TG: ( durr movies durr special stardust durr cake is evil durr niklas cayidj )  
TG: ( yep hes a dope )  
GT: ~~ at least i trust my friends and don't turn on them for no good reason.  
TG: ( oh you did not just go there )  
GT: ~~ jarlia misses you, dumbass.  
GT: ~~ even if you don't believe her about the future stuff, that doesn't mean you had to throw it in her face like a giant douchewaffle.  
TG: ( what even is a douchewaffle man )  
TG: ( you always say that and nobody knows what it means )  
TG: ( douche sure who doesnt know about nook cleansing apparatuses but what the hells a waffle when its at home )  
TG: ( or when its wandering around the lawn rings )  
TG: ( like a lost wiggler bleating for her lusus )  
TG: ( wah mommy where are you come find me take me home im scared of the big trolls i dont like it here what if they think im still a grub and turn me into sauce )  
TG: ( poor little tyke )  
TG: ( ground up for grubloaf not even a tombstone to mark her remains )  
TG: ( here in this pile of trollshit lie the last traces of waffle whosit who disobeyed her lusus and ran away from home )  
TG: ( learn your lesson kiddies dont do that )  
GT: ~~ ...  
GT: ~~ you are such a weirdo.  
TG: ( nah thats you im not weird im cool )  
GT: ~~ nope, totally weird!  
GT: ~~ and a waffle is a sort of perforated bread product generally eaten for breakfast. sometimes with syrup or jam, or even chocolate if you're feeling indulgent.  
GT: ~~ they're delicious!  
TG: ( i dunno bro sounds suspiciously like cake to me )  
GT: ~~ waffles are nothing like cake!  
GT: ~~ cake is an evil conspiracy designed to brainwash us into being nothing but cannon fodder instead of taking over the empire as is our rightful heritage.  
GT: ~~ waffles are just something nice to eat in the evening.  
GT: ~~ in fact i'm eating one now. :)  
TG: ( thats what they want you to think )  
TG: ( seems to me if one grain based food is evil they all are )  
TG: ( stick to meat like a real troll )  
TG: ( get strong put some spikes on your joints )  
GT: ~~ bluh, no. one equius is more than enough for a single planet.  
GT: ~~ actually i think one equius is more than enough for the whole empire.  
GT: ~~ hehehe  
TG: ( k fair point dont need my best bro turning into a clone of sweaty mchorsedude )  
TG: ( speaking of that weirdass heres something ive wondered for a while )  
TG: ( why havent he and serket tried to off each other sweeps ago )  
TG: ( everything i hear says they cant stand each other but they live right next door and dont even shoot token cannons across the ravine or anything )  
TG: ( whats up with that )  
GT: ~~ i don't know!  
GT: ~~ i have wondered about that myself, but vriska has never given me a good answer.  
GT: ~~ maybe they're just used to each other and don't care enough to start a fight that would probably hurt the winner as much as the loser?  
GT: ~~ bluebloods get pretty high living allowances, but rebuilding an entire hive would still be hard for us to afford!  
TG: ( nah that cant be it robosweat could build it himself and terezi says serkets got huge treasure hoards )  
TG: ( try again )  
GT: ~~ that was my only guess. oh well, looks like it will remain a mystery!  
GT: ~~ where's a good investerrogator when you need one?  
TG: ( other side of the galaxy obviously )  
TG: ( imperial bureaucracy inaction )  
TG: ( that pun was all for you btw say thanks )  
GT: ~~ a whole pun, just for me!  
GT: ~~ thank you, davven. it's exactly what i always wanted for twelfth perigee's eve!  
GT: ~~ i will be in your debt for life.  
GT: ~~ your life, not mine, obviously. it's stupid to be in debt to a ghost.  
TG: ( and the master of sensitivity strikes again )  
TG: ( just for that im gonna outlive you )  
TG: ( douchewaffle )  
GT: ~~ *applause*  
GT: ~~ who is the master of stolen catchphrases?  
GT: ~~ none other than davven kronos, ladies and gentletrolls.  
GT: ~~ you are the master. it is you.  
TG: ( go suck your own nook through a grain based cake substitute )  
GT: ~~ ew.  
TG: ( reusing other peoples phrases and memes isnt stealing its building up a self referential body of common language )  
TG: ( which helps ease communication among the people in the know and shuts out the dumbasses we dont like )  
TG: ( because the only way to know what the seeming non sequiturs mean is to have seen the original source joke without which theyre just meaningless garble )  
TG: ( this is why codes are always harder to break than ciphers because each unit of data can mean arbitrarily anything there is no pattern )  
TG: ( you ever want to run a conspiracy talk to me bro )  
TG: ( ill set you up )  
TG: ( secret as the grave )  
GT: ~~ you are the best secret agent. it is you. :p  
GT: ~~ i will definitely call on you when i start my secret campaign to paint the entire imperial fleet with cakes and rainbows.  
GT: ~~ i want sollux to manage the more mundane stuff like computer security, though.  
GT: ~~ you're not a hacker, you just know enough to manage your websites.  
TG: ( ... )  
TG: ( yeah ok maybe captor could about manage that )  
TG: ( when hes conscious and not off his fucking head thinking hes god or a worm or whatever even goes on in his crosswired brain )  
TG: ( beats me what makes you think you can judge peoples coding skills )  
TG: ( youre even worse than vantas at least he can make things blow up your code just sits there and whimpers )  
GT: ~~ i happen to think NOT blowing my own computer up every other month is a mark of skill.  
TG: ( big words have you ever talked a robot into exploding from conflicting logic loops )  
GT: ~~ no.  
GT: ~~ but only because i haven't ever wanted to.  
GT: ~~ come to think of it, that might be funny to pull on equius some night...  
GT: ~~ i should mention that to vriska. an explosion might cheer her up!  
TG: ( im gonna have to disagree with you on that one dude )  
TG: ( im pretty sure spiderwitch only cheers up when the mayhem involves corpses as well as a chance to gloat over the cringing wrecks of her victims )  
TG: ( zahhaks not gonna cringe the way she wants not with the stick hes got up his ass about hemocaste roles )  
TG: ( not like i bet nitram did )  
GT: ~~ bluh, davven, bluh.  
GT: ~~ we're not talking about tavros.  
GT: ~~ vriska doesn't always gloat. a lot of the time she just laughs because getting away with stuff is fun!  
GT: ~~ besides, adventures always make people feel better!  
GT: ~~ look at niklas cayidj in the "wherein a scholar unburies clues to the lost early imperial era and follows his ancestor's cryptic hints on a quest to save the modern empire from enemies within and without" series!  
GT: ~~ he's always much more upbeat once the explosions and chases start!  
TG: ( niklas cayidj is a terrible acterrorist and he makes movies entirely for the money not because the scripts have any redeeming qualities )  
TG: ( therefore any argument that depends on what niklas cayidj did in some ocular sphere rotting piece of trash is automatically thrown out of court )  
TG: ( qed )  
GT: ~~ niklas cayidj is awesome.  
GT: ~~ that is an immutable fact i am stating for the record. your attempts to disagree do not mean any actual argument is occurring  
GT: ~~ because you can't argue with the truth!  
GT: ~~ you're just jealous because nobody besides terezi and jarlia actually thinks your comics are funny.  
TG: ( there you go stabbing me right through the blood pusher again )  
TG: ( and on that note ive gotta go )  
TG: ( maryam strongarmed me into playing tailors dummy and i probably ought to brush my fangs and whatnot before i blink over )  
GT: ~~ yeah, you should.  
GT: ~~ otherwise she'll give you the disappointed look.  
TG: ( how is it that girls all know that look )  
TG: ( are they hatched knowing or is it a secret conspiracy passed down through the generations from lusus to wiggler and around again )  
TG: ( sit down daughter and pay careful attention while i demonstrate the ultimate weapon )  
TG: ( no no you need to keep your lips a sliver firmer your face fits best with authoritarian regret )  
TG: ( you on the other hand should go for the big teary eyes and the wobbly lip work that cute thing like a pro thats it honey one more time )  
TG: ( ok lesson done for the night meet back here next month and report on your progress at dominating the idiot boys near your hives )  
GT: ~~ haha, maybe that is how it works!  
GT: ~~ i think vriska skipped most of the lessons, though.  
GT: ~~ hmm...  
GT: ~~ girls must have a mad elaborate code by now, after a hundred thousand generations or more!  
TG: ( before their skills i am as nothing )  
TG: ( its true i can admit when someone else is boss )  
GT: ~~ unless it's jarlia, of course.  
GT: ~~ then watch out! rebellion!  
TG: ( wow look at the time sorry bro gotta run )

\-- turnwiseGears [TG] ceased trolling ghastlyTrickster [GT] \--

**==== >Get ready to visit Kanaya**

Nah. Maryam fights zombies for fun and profit. She's not going to flip out over a bit of fresh meat on your breath. Even if she does, so what? That's the price of your cooperation.

You wonder what a shirt designed to suit Terezi's tastes will look like. Besides red, of course. That goes without saying. Maybe something to do with dragons? She says she's started having weird dreams about being all curled up and blind, like in an egg -- she thinks this means her lusus might finally be waking up, maybe even getting ready to hatch.

Speaking of waking up, it's been dark at Terezi's place for a few hours. She ought to be done hauling her lazy, pointy butt out of her recuperacoon by now. You wonder if she's online.

**==== >Troll Terezi**

\-- turnwiseGears [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: ( hey dragongirl get your snout out of the law books )  
TG: ( everybody knows studying in the evening rots your thinkpan )  
TG: ( gotta wait for morning let the menacing razor of approaching dawn kick you in the fear glands )  
TG: ( ride that atavistic tsunami all the way home )  
TG: ( boom shits memorized for life )  
GC: TH4T 1S 4 GROSS M1SUND3RST4ND1NG OF HOW N3UROCH3M1STRY 4ND PSYCHOLOGY WORK  
TG: ( no its not we remember best in the same physical and mental conditions under which we learned shit )  
TG: ( tell me his tyranny aint terrifying )  
TG: ( go on lie to me )  
TG: ( whisper your sweet nothings in my auricular sponge clots )  
GC: OF COURS3 H1S HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY G1V3S YOU TH3 CR33PS  
GC: B3C4US3 YOU KNOW YOU 4R3 GU1LTY!  
GC: 3V3RYON3 1S GU1LTY OF SOM3TH1NG!  
GC: 1T 1S MY T4SK 4S 4 N3OPHYT3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR TO F1GUR3 OUT WH4T SP3C1F1C CR1M3 M4TT3RS MOST 4T TH3 CURR3NT T1ME  
GC: 4ND CONV1CT YOU OF 1T >:]  
GC: 4R3 YOU PR3P4R3D TO CONF3SS, M1SCR34NT?  
TG: ( nah )  
TG: ( got too much stuff to do before im ok with dying )  
TG: ( its like a whole circus of crime all up in my head shits dazzling as fuck )  
TG: ( plans within plans )  
TG: ( all this theft and murder and corruption just spinning out of my evil mastermind lair )  
TG: ( bet youd just love to know the details )  
TG: ( but im not telling my lips are zipped )  
TG: ( guess youll have to torture it out of me oh whoops im a whole ocean and half a continent away )  
TG: ( cant touch me )  
GC: >:[  
GC: CURS3S, FO1L3D 4G41N!  
TG: ( you know me babe thats how i roll )  
GC: Y3S YOU 4R3 4 CUNN1NG OPPON3NT M1ST3R M4ST3RM1ND  
GC: BUT JUST1C3 W1LL PR3V41L 1N TH3 3ND  
GC: H3H3H3  
GC: > :]  
GC: >:]  
GC: > :]  
GC: >:]  
TG: ( damn the eyebrows i cant resist the eyebrows )  
TG: ( there goes my willpower spiraling down the drain off to evaporate in the merciless desert sunrise )  
TG: ( im putty in your claws lady redglare )  
TG: ( take me in ill confess everything )  
TG: ( but tell me one last thing before i surrender )  
GC: YOU 4R3 1N NO POS1T1ON TO M4K3 D3M4NDS, CR1M1N4L  
TG: ( ok then )  
TG: ( please tell me one last thing before i surrender )  
GC: 1 4M M4GN4N1MOUS 1N V1CTORY 4ND CONS3NT TO YOUR ST1LL QU1T3 P3R3MPTORY R3QU3ST  
TG: ( all hail the mighty legislacerator ill sing your praises as they tighten the noose your consideration will be the last thought on my mind )  
TG: ( no wait )  
GC: >:[  
TG: ( justice will be the last thought on my mind )  
GC: MUCH B3TT3R >:]  
GC: G3T ON W1TH 1T TH3 L4W 1S 4 BUSY M1STR3SS  
TG: ( how did you learn my one weakness )  
TG: ( who betrayed me what gave me away )  
GC: 4H M1ST3R M4ST3RM1ND, YOU P1CK3D TH3 WRONG QU3ST1ON! 1M 4FR41D TH4T WOULD B3 T3LL1NG!  
GC: B3S1D3S 1M SUR3 YOU W1LL R4P1DLY WORK 1T OUT FOR YOURS3LF WH1L3 YOU 4W41T TR14L  
GC: L3T 1T B3 4 S4LUT4RY L3SSON FOR YOUR F3W R3M41N1NG HOURS OF L1F3  
TG: ( suddenly its four hours later i realize my chief henchtroll got jealous of my massive swag and bargained with the law for exile to the front lines instead of the punishment he deserved )  
TG: ( and hey whats this do i see a careless guard letting me work a hand through my bonds and grab her sword yes i think i do )  
TG: ( daring escape number one hundred sixty eight here we go )  
GC: CUNN1NG R3C4PTUR3 NUMB3R ON3 HUNDR3D S1XTY S3V3N COM1NG UP!  
TG: ( well obviously its no fun otherwise )  
TG: ( but seriously terezi enough with the rp shenanigans i need your help )  
TG: ( im stuck on can town what happens next )  
GC: WH4T 4 CO1NC1D3NC3! 1 W4NT3D TO T4LK 4BOUT TH4T TOO  
GC: 1 CH4NG3D MY M1ND YOU S33  
GC: 4 MUCH B3TT3R PLOT C4M3 TO M3 L4ST D4Y  
GC: 4 PLOT W1TH LOTS OF DR4M4! 4ND 4LSO LOTS OF STUP1D P3OPL3 DO1NG STUP1D TH1NGS B3C4US3 1T 1S H1L4R1OUS TO W4TCH TH3 D3L1C1OUS 4ND 1N3V1T4BL3 CONS3QU3NC3S OF TH31R CR1M3S  
GC: 1 M4D3 4 P1CTUR3 SO YOU C4N S33 WH4T 1 M34N  
GC: [http://tinyurl.com/SH3N4N1G4NS!!!](http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/181/4/c/terezi__s_shitty_demo_comic_by_elizabethculmer-d55a87n.jpg)  
GC: WH4T DO YOU TH1NK?  
TG: ( wow )  
TG: ( that is mad subtle )  
TG: ( no way anyone could possibly think that evil giant bears any resemblance to any troll we know )  
TG: ( if subtlety were a sport youd win the gold ribbon )  
TG: ( get the celebratory beverage poured over your shoulders to drip down your horns with style grace and )  
TG: ( wait for it )  
TG: ( subtlety )  
TG: ( that terezi pyrope is so subtle its crazy people will say )  
TG: ( i almost didnt see her drive the winning knife home )  
TG: ( but whats this )  
TG: ( looks like a hilt growing out of my shirt )  
TG: ( welp )  
TG: ( she wins )  
GC: OF COURS3 1 W1N  
GC: 1 4LW4YS W1N  
GC: 4ND NOT B3C4US3 OF H3R! W3 WON OUR FL4RP C4MP4IGNS 1N SP1T3 OF H3R!  
GC: SH3 TH1NKS SH3S SM4RT 4ND KNOWS HOW TO M4N1PUL4T3 P3OPL3 BUT SH3S WRONG!  
GC: SH3 N33DS TO B3 BROUGHT TO JUST1C3 4ND TURN1NG PUBL1C OP1N1ON 4G41NST H3R 1S TH3 F1RST ST3P  
TG: ( newsflash public opinions already against her )  
TG: ( i dont give two shits about nitram you know that but even i think what she did to him was too much )  
TG: ( kill him or leave him alone dont cripple him )  
TG: ( now he has to spend sweeps wondering what the culling drones will do when its enlistment time thats sick )  
GC: 3X4CTLY! SH3 1S OUT OF CONTROL 4ND 1T 1S MY R3SPONS1B1L1TY TO STOP H3R  
TG: ( whoa no hold on )  
TG: ( let me correct this line of illogic before you get carried away )  
TG: ( are you serkets moirail )  
GC: OBV1OUSLY NOT, D4VV3N!  
GC: DONT B3 1NSULT1NG  
TG: ( just establishing a point before the court )  
TG: ( youre not her moirail )  
TG: ( you didnt know she was lying when she said your opponents were criminals )  
TG: ( therefore her crimes arent your fault and fixing her so shes fit to be around other trolls isnt your duty )  
GC: TH4T 1S NOT THE PO1NT!  
TG: ( its the only point that matters )  
GC: BUT W3 W3R3 P4RTN3RS FOR SO LONG! 1 SHOULD H4V3 S33N TH3 TRUTH  
GC: 1 SHOULD H4V3 R34L1Z3D SH3 W4S ST4BB1NG US 4LL 1N TH3 B4CK  
GC: 1 SHOULD H4V3 P41D MOR3 4TT3NT1ON TO WH4T SH3 W4S PL4NN1NG WH3N SH3 SUGG3ST3D TH4T L4ST C4MP4IGN  
GC: 1 KN3W T4VROS D1DNT KNOW HOW TO ST4ND UP TO H3R, BUT 1 4SSUM3D SH3 WOULD 4T L34ST PL4Y BY TH3 RUL3S 4ND NOT US3 H3R STUP1D POW3RS ON H1M  
GC: TH3 CLOUD3R 1S NOT SUPPOS3D TO 1NT3RF3R3 L1K3 TH4T!  
TG: ( doesnt sound like a bad assumption to me shed always played fair as far as you knew right )  
TG: ( hell nobody saw this coming )  
TG: ( not even little miss oh im so psychic agaion )  
TG: ( stop being so hard on yourself )  
TG: ( dont make me blink over and pap you that shits mad embarrassing )  
GC: 1M NOT B31NG H4RD 1M B31NG F41R BUT 4LL R1GHT  
GC: CL34RLY PR3V3NT1NG YOUR POT3NT14L 3MB4R4SSM3NT T4K3S PR3C3D3NT OV3R 4LL OTH3R CONS1D3R4T1ONS  
GC: 1 W1LL L3T 4R4D14 D34L W1TH TH3 S1TU4T1ON H3R W4Y 3V3N THOUGH 1 TH1NK 1TS 4 B4D 1D34 TO PROVOK3 VR1SK4 1NST34D OF CULL1NG H3R  
GC: 4 CORN3RD SCORP1ON W1LL 4LW4YS ST1NG  
TG: ( yeah yeah whatever just quit obsessing its not good for you )  
TG: ( or me i hate worrying )  
TG: ( stop making me do stuff outside my expertise )  
TG: ( its not cool terezi not cool at all )  
GC: YOU 4R3 B3TT3R 4T TH1S STUFF TH4N YOU TH1NK, COOLK1D  
GC: 4ND DONT TH1NK 1 D1DNT NOT1C3 WH4T YOU 4DM1TT3D UP TH3R3  
GC: WH3N 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO M4K3 UP W1TH J4RL14?  
TG: ( admitted what i see no admissions )  
GC: 1F J4RL14 C4NT R34LLY S33 TH3 FUTUR3 WHY WOULD 1T M4TT3R TH4T SH3 D1DNT KNOW WH4T VR1SK4 W4S GO1NG TO DO TO T4VROS?  
GC: 4ND 1F YOU B3L13V3 1N H3R T4L3NT TH3R3 1S NO R34SON TO K33P PR3T3ND1NG YOUR3 4NGRY 4T H3R  
GC: S33 1 W1LL CORR3CT YOUR 1LLOG1C TOO >:]  
TG: ( its not pretending )  
TG: ( im actually sincere about this hard as that is to imagine )  
TG: ( see the thing is i am a troll not a tool )  
GC: > :]  
GC: >:]  
GC: > :]  
TG: ( ha ha yes very funny )  
TG: ( i walked into that i admit it see thats what an admission looks like )  
TG: ( back to the point )  
GC: 4WW >:[  
TG: ( the point is she cant just pick me up use me and toss me aside whenever she wants without explaining shit and asking if i think her plans make sense or are even necessary )  
TG: ( like ok sure ill help save a friends life im not heartless )  
TG: ( but stuff like giving a blanket and a lollipop to some wiggler ive never met because somehow thats going to stop her from killing four hundred trolls with a suicide bomb five sweeps later )  
TG: ( thats hoofbeastshit )  
TG: ( time isnt that simple )  
TG: ( you cant say one particular change is going to fix anything down the line )  
TG: ( even if agaion doesnt have the same daymare again it means nothing theres just too much time and space and too many people to assume youll see the same event twice even if it is still slated to happen )  
TG: ( like lightning striking twice and more figures of speech of that general ilk )  
GC: TH1S SOUNDS SUSP1C1OUSLY L1K3 PH1LOSOPHY  
GC: 1F YOU DONT W4NT M3 TO STUDY L4W R1GHT NOW, HOW D4R3 YOU M4K3 M3 TH1NK 4BOUT 3QU4LLY H4RD SUBJ3CTS TH1S 34RLY 1N MY N1GHT?  
GC: >;]  
TG: ( hey you asked )  
GC: TH4TS TRU3 1 D1D  
GC: 4ND YOU H4V3 4 PO1NT, BUT 1 TH1NK 1T M1GHT B3 B3TT3R TO TRY 3XPL41N1NG 4LL TH4T TO J4RL14 1NST34D OF CULL1NG YOUR FR13NDSH1P 4LTOG3TH3R  
GC: YOU H4V3 B33N M1ST3R GRUMPYP4NTS TH1S P4ST P3R1G33 4ND 1TS G3TT1NG STUP1D  
GC: 4LSO 4NNOY1NG  
GC: DO YOU R34LLY W4NT TO 4NNOY M3, D4VV3N?  
TG: ( i did try explaining it she didnt listen )  
GC: HMMM  
GC: TH4TS TR1CKY TH3N  
GC: 4T L34ST TRY ON3 MOR3 T1M3, 1N P3RSON SO 1TS H4RD3R TO M1SUND3RST4ND 34CH OTH3R  
GC: 1 C4N COM3 W1TH YOU TO TR4NSL4T3!  
TG: ( i speak perfectly comprehensible alternian what are you implying )  
GC: WH4T? 1M SORRY 1 D1DNT UND3RST4ND WH4T YOU TYP3D JUST NOW  
GC: 1T LOOK3D SOM3TH1NG L1K3 4 TORTUR3D M3T4PHOR TH4T B3G4N W1TH L1TTL3 CONN3CT1ON TO TH3 TOP1C OF D1SCUSS1ON  
GC: 4ND G4LLOP3D OFF TO 3V3N STR4NG3R CONV3RS4T1ON4L F13LDS L1K3 4 RUN4W4Y HOOFB34ST  
GC: B4D HORS3 NO COTTON C4NDY FOR YOU!  
GC: GO D1R3CTLY TO YOUR R3SP1T3BLOCK, 1TS P4ST YOUR B3DT1M3, WH4T W3R3 YOU DO1NG OUT SO CLOS3 TO D4YBR34K 4NYW4Y?  
GC: N3XT T1M3 1TS TH3 WH1P FOR SUR3 OBV1OUSLY 4 ST3RN H4ND 1S N33D3D!  
GC: WH1CH 1N NORM4L 4LT3RN14N M34NS, H1 MY N4M3 1S D4VV3N 4ND TH3 MOR3 1 C4R3 4BOUT SOM3TH1NG TH3 L3SS S3NS3 1 M4K3  
GC: H3H3H3  
TG: ( damn that was a classy bit of verbal acrobatics )  
TG: ( you cant see but im sitting here applauding my computer screen )  
TG: ( flawless structure classic pacing and did you stick the landing )  
TG: ( yes you did )  
TG: ( clearly youre the master i should turn in my irony license and stick to one word sentences and grunts )  
TG: ( theres no way in the universe to misinterpret those )  
GC: TH1S SOUNDS L1K3 A PL4N TH4T C4NNOT POSS1BLY GO WRONG!  
TG: ( awesome )  
GC: 4NY PL4N 1NSP1R3D BY M3 1S 4UTOM4T1C4LLY 4 HUNDR3D T1M3S MOR3 4W3SOM3 TH4N 4LL OTH3R PL4NS  
TG: ( true )  
GC: OF COURS3! >;]  
GC: OK H3R3S TH3 R34L PL4N  
GC: 1 W1LL COM3 4LONG SO YOU C4NT 4BSCOND W1THOUT R3SOLV1NG TH1NGS PROP3RLY  
GC: YOU C4NNOT L34V3 J4RL14S H1V3 UNT1L 1 S4Y YOU 4ND SH3 4R3 DON3 T4LK1NG  
GC: HOW DO3S TH4T SOUND?  
TG: ( like youre playing auspistice or in other words )  
TG: ( shitty )  
TG: ( but sometimes youve got to fish around in crap to pull up the diamond your enemy swallowed to spite you before you captured her )  
GC: 4 CRUD3 BUT 4CCUR4TE COMP4R1SON  
GC: 4LSO YOU KNOW 1M NOT 4SH3N FOR YOU 3V3N 1F YOUR 4N1MOS1TY TOW4RD J4RL14 W3R3 BL4CK 1NST34D OF PL4TON1C  
GC: 1 W1LL B3 TH3R3 3NT1R3LY ON YOUR B3H4LF TO K1CK S3NS3 1NTO THE P1L3 OF ROCKS TH4T M4SQU3R4D3S 4S YOUR SKULL, NOT TO M3D14T3 B3TW33N YOU 4ND H3R  
TG: ( pile of rocks sheesh )  
TG: ( might as well say my think pan is a bucket of stones )  
TG: ( if youre gonna talk porn dont settle for subtext make it full on text )  
TG: ( get down with your bad self rock all the quadrants )  
GC: >:O  
GC: YOU C4NT D3R41L M3 TH4T 34S1LY  
GC: TH1S 1S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, 4ND 4LSO M1N3 B3C4US3 1 4M S1CK OF YOUR MOP1NG  
GC: WH3N SH4LL W3 UND3RT4K3 TH1S 3XP3D1T1ON?  
TG: ( not now im due at maryams hive like five minutes ago )  
TG: ( maybe tomorrow )  
TG: ( also i dont mope )  
GC: YOU H4V3 TOT4LLY B33N MOP1NG FOR W33KS  
GC: BUT 1TS OK, 1 W1LL CONT1NU3 TO UNT4NGL3 YOUR NONS3NS3  
GC: 1 W1LL TROLL J4RL14 B3FOR3 D4WN TON1GHT 4ND 4SK 1F SH3S W1LL1NG TO T4LK  
GC: S4Y H3LLO TO K4N4Y4 FOR M3  
TG: ( will do )  
TG: ( ciao dragongirl )  
GC: S4YON4R4 COOLK1D

\-- turnwiseGears [TG] ceased trolling gallowCalibrator [GC] \--

**==== >Go visit Kanaya already**

No problem. You lean back in your chair, stretching your arms over your head to work the kinks out of your shoulders. Then you close your eyes, run a mental hand over the fabric of spacetime to find Maryam in her hive right this moment, and blink from here to there.

You tap her on the shoulder and grin when she whirls, chainsaw rising in startled reflex. "Hey, Maryam," you say. "Sup?"

She lowers her lipstick and smiles.

Then she spends the next hour sticking you full of pins, but whatever, you've had worse from your lusus when the feathery asshole used to carry you around as a wriggler. And the shirt does have a dragon design: brilliant scarlet wings across the back, folding down so they just peek around the sides, dagger claws visible at the tips. You think you'll wear it to Agaion's tomorrow and see if you can find an ironically transparent excuse to leave it with Terezi. Yeah. Sounds like a plan.

You drift away to shallow sleep accompanied by the steady prickle of pins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, Terezi's link does go to a real picture! It's not a very good picture, but that's par for the course when she and Dave trade art. *grin*
> 
> It looks like chapter 5 will be a Karkat POV, but you are always welcome to drop my my livejournal and offer suggestions on what should happen next. I post each chapter in sections under the [-trollstuck](http://edenfalling.livejournal.com/tag/-trollstuck) tag, so there are lots of chances to help direct the story.


	5. Karkat

**==== >Be the righteous and enlightened leader**

I'm sorry, who? Nobody currently in this story fits that description. It's possible the Sufferer did, but he's been dead for a thousand sweeps. Are you sure you want to jump that far back in time?

**==== >Be the righteous and enlightened leader's successor**

I really hope you mean Karkat, because if you're trying to suggest that the Condesce is a good ruler, we will have to have WORDS. Which might or might not include a summoning incantation for a squid touched by the Denizens of the Outer Dark, akin to the one that might or might not still be playing with Eridan. :-)

**==== >Be the angry lover of romantic comedies**

Now you're speaking perfectly comprehensible Alternian! Er. Or English. English works too, especially since I suspect you're reading this story on Earth despite the previously stated non-existence of that planet and its entire universe. But we're trying to avoid too much meta, so let's pretend this conversation never happened. Got it? Good.

Okay. Here we go.

**==== >Hours in the future, but not many**

You are KARKAT VANTAS, and you are certainly not staring at your husktop screen like a stunned grub in the middle of failing the trials and about to get eaten by its less pathetically useless rivals. This entirely hypothetical and counterfactual state was equally certainly not brought on by a certain troll who shall remain nameless tossing around spade symbols like they don't cost anything to use and don't contradict the way she just wrangled you into cahoots with her. How did she even do that? She's terrible at navigating interpersonal relationships but somehow everyone seems to like her anyway.

God, you loathe her.

It can't go anywhere, of course. Even if you were old enough for concupiscent crushes to extend beyond flirting and maybe kissing or biting (depending on quadrant), any such move would immediately reveal the mutation that is the outward symbol of your status as a hideous joke the universe is playing on itself. And while nobody in your circle of hatefriends (with the obvious exceptions of Eridan and Equius) seems to care much about the hemospectrum, you can't trust that their disregard for normal differences might extend to disregard for outright abominations against nature.

But if it could... well, let's say that if Jarlia Agaion still wanted to smash in your face and lick your hideous and no doubt rancid-tasting blood off her claws, you'd be perfectly happy to return the favor. In spades, as it were.

And none of these thoughts are getting you any further toward doing anything useful for once in your miserable pustule of a so-called life. You are such a waste of breath. You need to suck it up and talk to Terezi. Maybe if you pick your words right she won't make you feel like even more of an immature idiot than she usually does. What kind of flesh-eating poisonous parasites have riddled your think pan enough that her mocking makes you _like_ her? It is a mystery for the ages -- except wait, it's not, because the obvious answer is that you're just that maladjusted all on your own.

And you're delaying again. Fuck.

**==== >Suck it up and troll Terezi, dumbass**

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

CG: HEY GUESS WHAT.  
CG: I HAVE A ONCE IN A LIFETIME OFFER FOR YOU TONIGHT.  
CG: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO PUT YOUR JUSTICE FETISH INTO PRACTICE AND STOP A CRIME IN PROGRESS.  
CG: HINT: IT INVOLVES VRISKA. YOUR ANSWER IS AUTOMATICALLY "YES."  
GC: WOW RUD3 MUCH?  
GC: YOU C4NT JUST 4SSUM3 1 W1LL DO WH4T YOU T3LL M3!  
GC: YOU 4R3 NOT TH3 BOSS OF M3 4ND TH3 L4W C4NNOT B3 BR1B3D OR THR34T3N3D!  
CG: WHATEVER.  
CG: DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE ABOUT YOUR NEED TO FEEL SUPERIOR AND INSIST THAT YOU'RE THE ONLY SOURCE OF GOOD IDEAS?  
CG: NO I DON'T  
CG: WHICH IS BECAUSE, GET THIS, I DON'T CARE.  
GC: 1F YOU R34LLY D1DNT C4R3, YOU WOULDNT W4ST3 T1M3 T3LL1NG M3 HOW MUCH YOU DONT C4R3  
GC: >:]  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: I GUESS YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT STOPPING VRISKA'S ASSAULT SPREE BEFORE IT ENDS IN ARADIA'S MURDER.  
CG: TALK ABOUT HYPOCRISY.  
GC: W41T WH4T???  
CG: YOU HEARD ME.  
CG: VERY SHORTLY, MAYBE EVEN RIGHT NOW WHILE YOU'RE WASTING TIME FLAPPING YOUR TONGUE LIKE A SOPOR-STUNNED IMBECILE, VRISKA IS GOING TO TAKE CONTROL OF SOLLUX.  
CG: SHE'LL SEND HIM TO ARADIA'S HIVE.  
CG: SHE'LL MAKE HIM BLOW IT UP.  
CG: ADIOS ARADIA.  
GC: 4RRRRRGH!  
GC: 1 TOLD H3R SH3 SHOULD L34V3 VR1SK4 TO M3!  
GC: 1 TOLD H3R NOT TO ST4RT 4NYTH1NG SH3 COULDNT F1N1SH!  
GC: BUT WH4T DO YOU 3XP3CT M3 TO DO?  
GC: 1 4SSUM3 YOUR3 NOT S1LLY 3NOUGH TO TH1NK 1 C4N CONV1NC3 VR1SK4 NOT TO B3 4 TR34CH3ROUS DR4M4 QU33N  
GC: 1 TH1NK 1T H4S B33N 4MPLY PROV3N TH4T SH3 N3V3R R34LLY L1ST3N3D TO M3!  
CG: REALLY? NOT EVEN WHEN YOU WERE PLANNING FLARP SPAZ SESSIONS?  
GC: OK M4YB3 4 L1TTL3 WH3N PLOTT1NG C4MP41GNS, BUT NOT MUCH! SH3 W4S 4LW4YS RUNN1NG OFF ON T4NG3NTS  
GC: K1ND OF L1K3 YOU 4R3 NOW! >:P  
GC: H4V3 YOU TR13D TROLL1NG SOLLUX OR 4R4D14?  
CG: HOW STUPID WOULD I HAVE TO BE TO TROLL YOU INSTEAD OF THEM IF CONTACTING EITHER OF THEM WAS A POSSIBILITY THAT WOULD BE OF ANY GODDAMN USE.  
CG: BUT NO, TECHNICALLY I HAVEN'T.  
GC: W41T  
GC: HOW DO YOU KNOW WH4T VR1SK4 1S PL4NN1NG?  
GC: TH3R3 1S NO W4Y 1N TH3 UN1V3RS3 TH4T SH3 WOULD T3LL YOU 1NST34D OF GLO4T1NG 4T SOM3ON3 MOR3 CONN3CT3D TO THE 1NC1D3NT  
GC: L1K3 M3 FOR 1NST4NC3  
CG: SHE DIDN'T TELL ANYONE.  
CG: OBVIOUSLY.  
CG: SHE'S CRAZY BUT SHE'S NOT SO STUPID SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE.  
GC: TH3N HOW  
GC: OH OF COURS3  
GC: J4RL14 H4D 4 DR34M  
GC: BUT WHY WOULD SH3 4SK YOU FOR H3LP? YOU H4T3 34CH OTH3R!  
CG: THE DETAILS ARE AS UNPLEASANTLY VAGUE AND MALFORMED AS THE REFLECTION OF HER FACE IN A PUDDLE OF LIQUIFIED SHIT, BUT ACCORDING TO WHAT JARLIA TOLD ME, ARADIA IS AFK.  
CG: SOLLUX IS HAVING A BAD NIGHT AND IS THEREFORE VULNERABLE TO VRISKA'S CONTROL NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE TELLS HIM.  
CG: AND KRONOS ISN'T AVAILABLE AS JARLIA'S PARTNER IN CAHOOTS DUE TO A RARE BOUT OF SANITY WHICH CAUSED HIM TO REALIZE THAT SHE'S BEEN PASSING OFF A RANCID SACK OF GRUBMEAL AS HER BRAIN ALL THESE SWEEPS.  
GC: TH4T 1S 4 COMPL3T3 4ND UTT3R M1SR3PR3S3NT4T1ON OF TH31R F1GHT, BUT OK  
GC: 1 G3T 1T  
GC: SH3 TROLL3D YOU B3C4US3 SH3 W4S FL1PP1NG OFF TH3 H4NDL3 4ND W4NT3D TO DO 4 L1TTL3 BL4CK FL1RT1NG TO SH4RP3N H3R FOCUS  
GC: > :]  
GC: >:]  
GC: > :]  
CG: THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AND ALSO SO WRONG IT COULDN'T SEE RIGHT WITH A RADIO TELESCOPE.  
CG: SHE TROLLED ME BECAUSE UNLIKE CERTAIN PEOPLE I AM A MASTER OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS AND WOULDN'T HAVE MADE THE AMATEUR MISTAKE OF TRYING TO ENLIST JOTHAN AGAINST VRISKA.  
GC: SH3 TR13D WH4T!  
CG: THAT'S WHAT I SAID.  
CG: LONG STORY SHORT, JOTHAN WENT TO TELL VRISKA THAT JARLIA AND ARADIA WERE IN CAHOOTS AGAINST HER.  
CG: RUN THAT THROUGH VRISKA'S RAGING PARANOIA AND YOU END UP WITH MURDER.  
CG: MEANING THAT JARLIA IS THE SOURCE OF THE CATASTROPHE SHE WAS TRYING TO PREVENT.  
CG: NOW I GET TO FIX HER FUCKUP.  
CG: FEEL THE BURN OF MY SELFLESS GENEROSITY.  
GC: 1 H4V3 4 SN34K1NG SUSP1C1ON TH1S CR1S1S WOULD NOT H4V3 GOTT3N SO S3R1OUS OR SO 3X1ST3NT14L 1F H3R ROBOT W3R3NT BROK3N  
CG: SHUT UP THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING AND SHE DESERVED IT ANYWAY.  
CG: THE POINT IS THAT NOW JARLIA'S TRYING TO GET ALONDE TO GET JOTHAN TO TURN ON VRISKA, WHICH IS EVEN MORE SENSELESS THAN TALKING TO JOTHAN DIRECTLY.  
CG: MEANWHILE I FIGURED THE SANER MEMBERS OF OUR MUTUAL CIRCLEJERK OF IDIOTS COULD GET SHIT TAKEN CARE OF.  
GC: OOH, M1ST3R V4NT4S, OOH!  
GC: YOUR S34L OF 4PPROV4L ON MY C3RT1F1C4T3 OF S4N1TY 1S SUCH 4N HONOR!  
GC: H3H3H3 >:]  
CG: WHOOPS OFFER RESCINDED.  
GC: 4WWW >:[  
GC: 1 R31T3R4T3, WH4T DO YOU 3XP3CT M3 TO DO?  
GC: 1T W1LL B3 D4WN 4T 4R4D14S PL4C3 1N 4 L1TTL3 UND3R THR33 HOURS  
GC: TH3R3 1S NO W4Y 1 C4N G3T TO VR1SK4S H1V3 1N T1M3 TO STOP H3R TON1GHT  
GC: 1 M1GHT B3 4BL3 TO R34CH 4R4D14 BY D4WN, BUT 1 DONT TH1NK W3 COULD G3T 4W4Y B3FOR3 SOLLUX 4RR1V3S  
GC: 4ND 1 C3RT41NLY C4NT STOP H1M! NOT 1F H3S UND3R M1ND CONTROL 4ND C4NT H34R M3  
CG: I KNOW.  
CG: BUT WE KNOW SOMEONE WHO CAN.  
GC: ...  
CG: KRONOS CAN GET THERE IN TIME.  
CG: HE CAN STOP THOLLUCKTH.  
CG: I KNOW HE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH JARLIA AND HER VISIONS, BUT SAVING A FRIEND'S LIFE IS DIFFERENT FROM HER ASININE QUEST TO MAKE THE FUTURE A BILE-HEAVING LAND OF RAINBOWS AND COTTON CANDY FOR ALL.  
GC: 1 KNOW!  
GC: 4ND D4VV3N WOULD 4GR33!  
GC: BUT TH1S 1S 4 R34LLY 4WK4RD T1M3 FOR TH4T CONV3RS4T1ON  
GC: W3 JUST T4LK3D TH1S 3V3N1NG 4BOUT S3TT1NG UP 4 M33T1NG W1TH J4RL14 TO SHOUT UNT1L TH3YR3 FR13NDS 4G41N, 4ND 4LSO 4BOUT HOW VR1SK4 1S NOT MY R3SPONS1B1L1TY 4ND 1 SHOULD L3T 4R4D14 H4NDL3 H3R  
GC: 1F 1 T3LL H1M J4RL14 H4D 4 DR34M 4ND NOW H3 H4S TO S4V3 4R4D14S L1F3 FROM VR1SK4, H3 W1LL TH1NK 1M JOK1NG OR TH4T 1 N33D 4 F33L1NGS J4M  
GC: 1T W1LL B3 1NCR3D1BLY 3MB4R4SS1NG 4ND 1T W1LL T4K3 FOR3V3R TO CONV1NC3 H1M W3R3 S3R1OUS  
GC: 1NST34D 1 TH1NK YOU SHOULD 1NT3RRUPT J4RL14 4ND 4LOND3 B3FOR3 TH3Y M4K3 4NY PL4NS  
GC: T3LL 4LOND3 TO FORG3T 4BOUT JOTH4N 4ND JUST S3ND ON3 OF H3R SQU1DDL3T3RRORS TO GU4RD 4R4D14 OR S1T ON SOLLUX  
GC: PROBL3M SOLV3D >:]  
CG: HA HA NO.  
CG: FIRST, CONTRARY TO YOUR APPARENT OPINION I'M NOT SUICIDAL.  
CG: SECOND, ALONDE'S VISITATIONS ARE NOT INVICIBLE. IF THEY EXIST IN THIS WORLD THEY HAVE A FORM  
CG: THOSE FORMS CAN BE DISRUPTED.  
CG: DEAL ENOUGH DAMAGE AND THEY GO POOF LIKE THE DAYMARES THEY ARE.  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT SOLLUX IS REALLY GOOD AT?  
GC: B31NG 4 SP4Z? >;]  
CG: FUCK YOU I'M TALKING HERE.  
CG: HE'S GOOD AT DEALING DAMAGE.  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT SQUID ARE REALLY BAD AT?  
CG: BREATHING AIR AND SWIMMING ON DRY LAND. EVEN ONES THAT ARE HALF HORRORTERROR.  
CG: THIS LEADS TO ABSOLUTELY SHIT INDUCING BOUTS OF WEAKNESS WHEN FACED WITH A SUDDEN NEED TO EVADE ATTACKS. I'M TALKING MILES OF SHIT, LOOPS UPON LOOPS OF EVACUATED BOWEL CASINGS. YOU COULD KNIT A HIVE COVER WITH THIS SHIT.  
CG: TRY TO CONTAIN YOUR DRIBBLING SHOCK AT THESE REVELATIONS.  
GC: K4RKL3S, 4R3 YOU 1MPLY1NG TH4T 4LOND3 S3NT 4 SQU1DDL3BUDDY TO PL4Y W1TH YOU?  
CG: IMPLYING, HELL. I'M OUTRIGHT TELLING YOU SHE DID.  
CG: I DICED IT UP AND FED IT TO MY LUSUS.  
CG: BECAUSE I'M AWESOME.

 

CG: BUT LIKE FUCK AM I PUTTING UP WITH THAT BULLSHIT AGAIN. IT TOOK WEEKS TO GET THE STAINS OUT OF MY HIVE AND MY NEIGHBORS STILL THINK THE NOISES WERE A SIGN OF MY IMPENDING DESCENT INTO FROTHING INSANITY.  
GC: >:O  
GC: MY H3RO!  
GC: >;]  
CG: FUCK YOU AND THE IMAGINARY DRAGON YOU RODE IN ON.  
CG: THE POINT IS THAT ALONDE'S UNSAVORY HOBBIES WON'T DO JACK SHIT.  
CG: EVEN IF SHE SENT A VISITATION TO KIDNAP ARADIA, AND IF FOR SOME UNFATHOMABLE REASON ARADIA SKIPPED MERRILY OFF HAND IN TENTACLE WITH AN ELDRITCH ABOMINATION SUMMONED FROM THE BURBLING REMAINS OF A TORTURED CEPHALOPOD  
CG: ONCE THEY POP INTO REALITY THOSE THINGS LEAVE A CRUSHED AND PUTRID TRAIL LIKE A BAND OF CULLING DRONES WEARING THE CORPSES OF THEIR VICTIMS AS SHOES AND DANCING A JIG AS THEY MARCH ARM IN ARM IN SEARCH OF THEIR NEXT TARGETS.  
GC: 3WW  
CG: ONLY A BLIND TROLL COULD MISS IT.  
CG: VRISKA ISN'T BLIND.  
GC: TH4TS WH4T YOU TH1NK!  
CG: AND BEFORE YOU ASK, ARADIA WOULDN'T SURVIVE POPPING INTO THE FURTHEST RING, AT LEAST NOT AS A TROLL.  
CG: WE'RE NOT MEANT TO WEAR OUR VISCERA ON THE OUTSIDE.  
GC: >:[  
GC: 4LL R1GHT, 1 W1LL GO P3RSU4D3 D4VV3N TH4T 1M NOT PULL1NG H1S HORNS  
GC: 1 ST1LL TH1NK YOU SHOULD 4SK 4LOND3 THOUGH  
GC: 3V3N 1F 1T ONLY T4K3S SOLLUX 4 COUPL3 M1NUT3S TO D3STROY TH3 POOR 1NS1D3 OUT 3X-SQU1D, TH4TS 3NOUGH T1M3 FOR 4R4D14 TO FLY 4W4Y 4ND H1D3!  
GC: OR TO KNOCK SOLLUX OUT 4ND S4V3 H3RS3LF!  
CG: NO.  
GC: OOOOOH!  
GC: 1 JUST H4D TH3 B3ST 1D34!  
GC: GU3SS WHO H4S TH3 MOST R1GHT ON 4LT3RN14 TO W4NT R3V3NG3 ON VR1SK4, WHO 1S FR13NDS W1TH 4R4D14, 4ND WHO C4N CONTROL 4N1M4LS???  
CG: FUCK NO NOT HIM.  
GC: 1T 1S...............  
CG: LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS.  
GC: ...........................................  
CG: HE'S NOT CAPABLE OF HATING ANYONE. THERE'S SOMETHING BROKEN IN HIS THINK PAN.  
GC: .........................................................  
CG: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, MY BILE DUCTS ARE EATING THEMSELVES IN SYMPATHETIC SHAME AT YOUR BLITHERING VAPIDITY.  
GC: T4VROS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
CG: DAMMIT.  
GC: H3 KNOWS HOW TO CONTROL 4N1M4LS 1N 4 B4TTL3, B3C4US3 OF H1S S1LLY F1DUSP4WN G4M3S!  
GC: G3T H1M TO GU1D3 4LOND3S P3TS 4ND TH3Y W1LL H4V3 4 MUCH B3TT3R CH4NC3 4G41NST SOLLUX!  
GC: 4ND 4LSO!  
GC: H3 C4N G3T 4N 4NIM4L TO F1ND 4R4D14 4ND SCR4TCH 4 M3SS4G3 FOR H3R TO R34D!  
GC: OOOOOOOOH, H3 C4N G3T H3R LUSUS TO W4RN H3R!!  
CG: FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, NO.  
CG: I DON'T CARE HOW NEAT YOU THINK HIS PSYCHIC CRAP IS, YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM TRY REACHING ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE CONTINENT LESS THAN A PERIGEE AFTER HE BROKE HIS SPINE.  
CG: THE LAST THING HE NEEDS IS ANY CONTACT WITH VRISKA, OR EVEN ANY REASON TO THINK ABOUT SPIDERBITCH MORE THAN HE'S ALREADY DOING.  
CG: LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE.  
GC: BUT 1T WOULD B3 GOOD FOR H1M!  
GC: H3 COULD US3 4 W4Y TO R3M1ND H1MS3LF TH4T H3S NOT H3LPL3SS  
CG: WOW YOU SOUND EXACTLY LIKE VRISKA.  
GC: RUD3! >:[  
GC: 1 DO NOT!  
CG: YES YOU DO.  
CG: YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF HIM. YOU CAN'T MAKE DECISIONS FOR HIM.  
GC: WH3N D1D 1 S4Y 1 WOULD M4K3 H1M DO 4NYTH1NG?  
GC: 1 JUST W4NT TO OFF3R H1M TH3 OPT1ON  
GC: HOW 1S K33P1NG H1M TUCK3D 4W4Y 1N TH3 BROOD1NG C4V3RNS NOT M4K1NG D3C1S1ONS FOR H1M?  
GC: L1K3 VR1SK4 TR13D TO DO??  
GC: HMMMMMMM???  
GC: 3XPL41N TH4T GR34T L34D3R V4NT4S!  
CG: BECAUSE WE BOTH KNOW HE'D TRIP ALL OVER HIMSELF TRYING TO BE A HERO EVEN THOUGH TRYING TO CONTROL ONE OF ALONDE'S MONSTERS WOULD PROBABLY FRY HIS THINK PAN LIKE A GRUB OUT IN THE MIDDAY SUN.  
CG: BESIDES, GAMZEE SHOULD BE AT HIS HIVE BY NOW.  
CG: I BET YOU A DIRECTOR'S CUT WITH FULL AUDIO COMMENTARY TRACKS OF "IN WHICH A BAND OF REBELS CAPTURE A PAIR OF YOUNG DRAGONS AND USE THEM TO DEVASTATE THE COUNTRYSIDE UNTIL A WOUNDED THRESHCUTIONER AND A NOVICE LEGISLACERATOR, ETC." THAT THEY'RE ALREADY STONED OUT OF THEIR MINDS AND LAUGHING AT "MIRACLES."  
GC: 1 W1LL NOT T4K3 TH4T B3T!  
GC: NO M4TT3R HOW T3MPT1NG TH3 B41T >:\  
GC: 4LSO WH1L3 YOUR PO1NT 4BOUT CH3M1C4L INC4P4C1T4T1ON ST4NDS, 1 TH1NK YOUR3 B31NG 4 P4TRON1Z1NG DUMB4SS FOR NOT G1V1NG T4VROS TH3 CH4NC3 TO PROT3CT H1S FR13ND 4ND P4RTN3R  
GC: L1F3 1SNT S4F3, K4RK4T! CODDL1NG H1M L1K3 4 W1GGL3R 1S TH3 S4M3 TH1NG VR1SK4 D1D, JUST 1N TH3 OPPOS1T3 D1R3CT1ON  
GC: 4ND UNL3SS YOU TURN3D 1NTO 4 F41RY BULL OV3RD4Y, YOUR3 NOT H1S LUSUS  
GC: H3H3H3 >:P  
CG: SAYS THE GIRL WHO PRETENDS SHE'S A DRAGON.  
GC: Y3S, Y3S 1 DO >:]  
GC: BUT YOU H4V3 L3D M3 OFF ON 4NOTH3R T4NG3NT 4ND W3 4R3 W4ST1NG V4LU4BL3 T1M3!  
GC: 1 W1LL GO 3XPL41N TH3 S1TU4T1ON TO D4VV3N  
GC: YOU W1LL STOP B31NG 4 WH1NY GRUBF4C3 4ND GO T4LK TO 4LOND3  
GC: DO NOT 4RGU3 W1TH M3 4BOUT TH1S, K4RKL3S! R3M3MB3R 4R4D14S L1F3 1S ON TH3 L1N3!  
GC: TH1S 1S V3RY 1MPORT4NT 4ND CONC3RNS 4LL OF OUR H4T3FR13NDS  
CG: IN THAT CASE WHY DON'T I JUST OPEN A MEMO AND INVITE EVERYONE TO A FREE FOR ALL.  
CG: THAT CAN'T POSSIBLY FAIL TO BE A PRODUCTIVE USE OF TIME.  
GC: Y3S, YOU SHOULD DO TH4T! W3 N33D TO M4K3 SUR3 NOTH1NG L1K3 TH1S H4PP3NS 4G41N  
GC: BUT ONLY 4FT3R YOU TROLL 4LOND3  
GC: L4T3R!

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

**==== >Fume**

Well that went just perfectly, didn't it. How does she turn you around like that every time? This was supposed to be straightforward -- explain Jarlia's fuckup, give Terezi her instructions, settle back with the warm and righteous glow of knowing you succeeded where Jarlia failed. Instead it somehow ended with Terezi making you feel like a douchewaffle for wanting to keep Tavros from breaking his brain as well as his back, and practically ordering you to contact Alonde.

Fuck that. Terezi isn't the boss of you. What can she do if you spend the rest of the night coding viruses instead of talking to pretentious creeps or opening pointless memos? Nothing, that's what!

...

Shit, what if she never talks to you again? What if she's _right_ , and Alonde could buy a vital minute or two that could make the difference between Aradia living and Aradia waltzing off to join her band of ghosts? If Sollux kills her, he'll never get over it. Neither will Tavros, and therefore neither will Gamzee, the idiot. (You really hope he made it safely to Tavros's hive. He has a boat and Jothan swears they've learned how not to capsize every twenty minutes, but he took some pie with him and you know how he gets right after eating a fresh one.)

What if Jarlia comes up with the same idea on her own and finds out you had the chance to save the day and didn't use it and gloats at you _forever?_

Argh!

What the fuck should you do?

**==== >Troll Alonde**

This is a terrible idea, but all your current options are terrible, so why not. You'd much rather be doing nothing, trolling Gamzee, or even trolling Jothan, but unless Pupa Pan's miracle fairy comes down to dance on your horns and sprinkle special stardust over this shitheap of a situation, the only way you're likely to make any difference in this runaway catastrophe is by talking to somebody whose brand of insanity at least lends itself to tangible results.

You spare a second to hope she's not still talking to Jarlia. Alonde has a penchant for roping people into memos who shouldn't ever be in the same conversation at the same time, and while it would be glorious to rub Jarlia's face in how much better your ideas are than hers, you just know Alonde would somehow turn it all into a steaming pool of vomit and laugh at your futile flailing attempts to regain the few shreds of dignity your life hasn't yet ground away.

**==== >Get on with it already, numbglobes**

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tentacleTormentrix [TT] \--

CG: HEY ALONDE.  
CG: ARE YOU DONE PATTING JARLIA ON THE HEAD AND TELLING HER SHE'S A GOOD LITTLE BARKBEAST?  
CG: I HAVE SOME BETTER IDEAS ON HOW TO DEAL WITH THE SHITSTORM SHE'S DROPPED US ALL INTO.  
TT: -> Hello, Karkat. Goodness, it's been a long time since we've talked. <-  
TT: -> Nearly two perigees, I believe. <-  
TT: -> I hope you haven't been harboring any resentment over the conclusion to our last conversation. <-  
CG: FUCK YOU AND YOUR MURDERSQUID, WHICH, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, DIED LIKE A MEWLING PURRBEAST CUB CRYING FOR ITS MOTHER.  
CG: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR MINDGAMES.  
CG: DID JARLIA TELL YOU ABOUT THE THING WITH VRISKA, ARADIA, AND HER OWN FATHOMLESS STUPIDITY?  
TT: -> Not in those exact words, but she did convey the gist of the situation, yes. <-  
TT: -> I doubt anything I could say to Jothan would make much difference at this point, but I have no reason not to try. <-  
TT: -> Aradia is my friend. <-  
CG: OH SHIT HOLD THE INTERNET, I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO GAMZEE THIS VERY INSTANT.  
CG: YOU HAVE A FRIEND. MIRACLES DO EXIST.  
TT: -> Your sarcasm is sadly ineffective, I'm afraid. I might even describe it as... wilted. <-  
TT: =:)  
TT: -> But yes, Aradia is my friend. <-  
TT: -> Furthermore, she and I are working on a project of potentially vital importance to the future of our species, and, unless I have very badly misinterpreted your situation vis-à-vis the culling laws, your own future. <-  
CG: WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU'RE IMPLYING, YOU'RE CATEGORICALLY WRONG.  
CG: I HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. MY FUTURE IS PLANNED AND THE PLAN IS RUNNING LIKE A FUCKING MACHINE  
CG: AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED BY THE MASTERFUL WAY I SLICED AND DICED YOUR WANNABE HORRORTERROR.  
TT: -> Such bold words! I believe I may faint. <-  
CG: YOUR SARCASM IS SO PATHETIC, IT DIED OF EMBARRASSMENT AT THE SHAME OF ITS OWN EXISTENCE.  
TT: -> Said one foodblock utensil to the other. <-  
TT: -> Invigorating as this exchange of tepid insults may be, you had a purpose for contacting me. <-  
TT: <\- What do you want? ->  
CG: I WANT THE UNIVERSE TO FUCK ITSELF IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE ORIFICE UNTIL THIS DISGUSTING JOKE KNOWN AS LIFE IS REVEALED FOR THE FUTILE WASTE IT IS AND I CAN STOP PRETENDING TO GIVE A SHIT AS WE ALL DIE MISERABLY.  
CG: SINCE THE UNIVERSE HATES ME AND THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, I'LL SETTLE FOR KEEPING ARADIA AMONG THE LIVING.  
TT: -> Ever the optimist, aren't we. <-  
CG: WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAVE GIVEN YOU THAT IDEA.  
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, FORGET ABOUT JOTHAN. HE'S PUT THE IDEA IN VRISKA'S HEAD BY NOW AND EVEN IF HE HAD SECOND THOUGHTS, DO YOU REALLY THINK HE COULD PERSUADE HER TO BACK DOWN?  
TT: <\- Honestly? ->  
TT: -> I don't know. <-  
TT: -> Vriska is among the most transparent people I know, regardless of her self-image. Jothan is much harder to parse. <-  
CG: YOU MEAN HE MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS A SEVERED HAND STUCK INTO A SOPOR PIE AND LEFT ON MY HIVE DOORSTEP WITH A GIANT RAINBOW-COLORED BOW AND A NOTE SAYING, "IN CASE OF HAIL."  
TT: <\- Did he really do that? ->  
CG: YES.  
CG: I STILL HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THAT WAS ABOUT BUT I HAVE A BILE-CHURNING SUSPICION HE WAS OUT SAILING WITH GAMZEE EARLIER THAT NIGHT.  
TT: -> I see. <-  
TT: -> In any case, Jothan can be surprisingly persuasive when he feels strongly about an issue, and Vriska does lower most of her defensive screens where he's concerned. <-  
TT: -> If I can terrify him into understanding the consequences of his actions, we might yet exit this crisis in better shape to avoid similar problems in nights to come. <-  
CG: YEAH FUCK THAT, HIS REACTION TO TERROR IS TOO UNPREDICTABLE.  
CG: THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO INSTEAD.  
CG: AND IT'S TEREZI'S SUGGESTION NOT MINE, SO PUT A LID ON YOUR AUTOMATIC DISDAIN FOR ANY WORDS THAT EXIT MY AIRTUBES.  
TT: -> So noted. <-  
CG: THE SCENARIO WE'RE WORKING WITH RUNS AS FOLLOWS.  
CG: VRISKA GANKS CONTROL OF SOLLUX. WE CAN'T STOP THAT BECAUSE HIS MIGRAINE LEAVES HIM VULNERABLE, UNCONSCIOUSNESS WOULD JUST LEAVE HIM EVEN MORE OPEN, AND HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO RESTRAIN A STARSHIP-CLASS PSIONIC?  
CG: WORD OF ADVICE: DON'T.  
CG: SO WE HAVE TO INTERVENE ON ARADIA'S END.  
CG: SHE'S NOT ANSWERING HER COMPUTER FOR SOME REASON SO WE CAN'T WARN HER.  
CG: TEREZI'S WORKING ON KRONOS BUT EVEN IF THAT FAILS TO PAN OUT, WE CAN BUY ARADIA SOME TIME TO RUN.  
CG: GO ON, ASK ME HOW.  
TT: -> No need. I see the point you're meandering toward. <-  
TT: -> You want me to send a Visitation to Aradia's hive, with instructions to attack Sollux and thereby create a brief window for Aradia to escape. <-  
TT: -> It's not a terrible idea. <-  
CG: I SENSE A "BUT" WAITING TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A BULGE-BITING MORON.  
TT: -> How perceptive of you! <-  
TT: =:)  
TT: -> Vriska keeps this to herself for obvious reasons, but I am not the only one among our friends to experiment with powers from the Furthest Abyss. <-  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.  
CG: YOU MEAN THERE ARE TWO OF YOU SUMMONING HORRORFREAKS.  
TT: -> Not at all. <-  
CG: STOP OBFUSCATING FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES AND TELL ME WHAT THE GLOBE-FONDLING FUCK YOU MEAN.  
TT: -> Your penchant for sexual and scatological wordplay never ceases to amuse me. <-  
TT: -> It bespeaks a deep self-hatred and a terror of intimacy, combined with a desperate, idealized yearning for emotional connection. <-  
TT: -> No wonder you spend more time obsessing about imaginary characters than learning to interact with real trolls. <-  
CG: TALK.  
CG: NOW.  
TT: -> *sigh* Very well. <-  
TT: -> Vriska inherited, from her Ancestor, an artifact that permits contact with Those Beyond. <-  
TT: -> Because they exist outside our universe, unmoored from the net of space and time that entangles us, they can see anything a supplicant might wish to learn. <-  
TT: -> Their answers are normally impossible to discern unless one already has the skill to contact them without such mechanical crutches, but it can serve as a useful shortcut if an adept is in a hurry,  
TT: -> which I presume is why it was created in the first place, though I have no idea how Vriska's Ancestor came to acquire it. <-  
CG: GET TO THE POINT ALREADY.  
TT: => I repeat my prior observation about foodblock utensils. <=  
TT: -> The point is that Vriska's little quirk of eyesight allows her to bypass the intensive study normally required to make use of her pet talisman. <-  
TT: -> Therefore, Aradia's hypothetical attempts to hide will be futile. <-  
TT: -> In fact, all of our attempts to intervene may now be futile, given that Vriska can inquire about obstacles to her plan and learn of our various conversations. <-  
CG: IN OTHER WORDS WE'RE FUCKED.  
TT: -> Succinctly, yes. <-  
TT: -> At least if that's your only plan,  
TT: -> which is why I intend to speak with Jothan about the talisman rather than waste time sending my pets on suicide missions. <-  
TT: -> He may not want to play breakwater between Vriska and Aradia, but he does have some sense of fair play. <-  
CG: FUCK THAT.  
CG: YOUR ATEMPORAL SQUID GODS CAN KISS MY ASS, NONE OF OUR FRIENDS ARE DYING TONIGHT. NOT EVEN SPIDERBITCH.  
CG: WORK YOUR VOODOO TO GUARD ARADIA. I DON'T CARE IF IT ONLY BUYS A MINUTE, THAT'S MORE THAN SHE'D HAVE OTHERWISE AND IT'S MORE TIME FOR US TO FIND A SOLUTION.  
CG: IN FACT LET'S GO ONE STEP FURTHER.  
CG: LET'S GET TAVROS TO COMMUNE WITH YOUR FRANKENSQUID AND MAKE THEM FIGHT IN A VAGUELY ORGANIZED FASHION RATHER THAN FLAILING AROUND LIKE ASPHYXIATING FISH.  
CG: I'LL DEAL WITH JOTHAN MYSELF.  
TT: <\- You? ->  
TT: -> Pardon my tides of laughter. <-  
CG: I TOLD YOU TERROR ISN'T RELIABLE WHEN IT COMES TO HIM.  
TT: <\- Yet incandescent tirades of outrage somehow ARE? ->  
TT: -> Goodness we do think highly of ourselves tonight. <-  
CG: YES WE DO, BECAUSE WE ARE THE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY SEEMS TO GIVE A FLYING SHIT ABOUT FIXING THIS MESS INSTEAD OF COMING UP WITH REASONS TO PLAY MIND GAMES WHILE ARADIA DIES.  
TT: <\- Then why not stop bothering me and contact Tavros directly? ->  
TT: -> I'm sure contact with atemporal, infinite thought processes will do absolutely no harm whatsoever to his brain,  
TT: -> to say nothing of the emotional turmoil he will certainly feel when attempting to strike at a friend under the mental control of a person for whom he holds extremely confused emotions  
TT: -> and at whom he refused to strike even when she threw him off a cliff. <-  
CG: IF YOU'RE THAT WORRIED, TALK TO HIM YOURSELF. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO TWIST YOUR THINK PAN AROUND YOUR CREEPY WOEGOTHIC BROODFESTER NONSENSE.  
CG: TEACH HIM HOW TO STAY SANE-ISH.  
CG: MEANWHILE I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT  
CG: WAIT, HANG ON.  
CG: SOMEONE'S TROLLING ME.

**==== >Who is it?**

Nepeta Leijon. Nepeta Mother-"Let's pretend I'm a purrbeast and you're my juicy prey while I giggle like a brain-damaged wiggler and then droop when you don't pity me which will make Jarlia hate you in a platonic fashion rather than anything... okay, stop, this interjection is getting unwieldy and also too personally revealing"-Fucking Leijon.

**==== >Be pleasantly surprised at this proof that your friends are thinking of you**

No! You are not happy to talk to Nepeta! You are never happy to talk to Nepeta!

It's not that you hate her (or at least you don't hate her any more than you hate the rest of the universe, _platonically_ ), but her insufferably cheerful idiocy, her insane dedication to cutesy roleplaying games (which, okay, Terezi does that too but at least she has the brains to do it facetiously (NOT ironically, that hoofbeastshit is reserved for Kronos)), and her interminable strings of cat puns drive you up the wall, out the window, and into broad daylight because _frying alive_ is less annoying than dealing with her and her pathetically obvious flushcrush (which you _do not return_ , no matter what vile perversions certain people would like to impose upon you or try to spread as rumors, yes Jothan _that means you_ (and now these parentheses are getting unwieldy, what is even up with this narration today???)).

ARGH.

God, you hope you're not that obvious about... _things_. You'd have to kill yourself, travel back in time, and haunt Past Karkat until he realizes what a pathetic waste of genetic material he is and kills _himself_ , goes back in time, etcetera, etcetera. Which is both ridiculous and impossible, since time travel is not a thing that exists, so obviously you aren't as obvious in emotional matters as Nepeta. Your logic is inarguable.

**==== >Answer her anyway, dipshit**

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

AC: :33 < *ac pounces excitedly on the elusive karkitty!*  
AC: :33 < *she says its b33n too long since he was petted and scritched behind his ears*  
AC: :33 < *she curls up around him and licks his horns*  
AC: :33 < *they are the nubbiest and cutest horns on the planet!*  
CG: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?  
CG: THERE WILL BE NO POUNCING, NO PETTING, AND ABSOLUTELY NO HORN-LICKING, IN REALITY OR IN YOUR DISEASED IMAGINATION.  
AC: :33 < h33h33 yes there will!  
AC: :33 < *the wild karkitty struggles to escape but ac pins him down with her paw*  
CG: CG EQUIPS A SICKLE FROM HIS SPECIBUS AND SLICES THE PAW OFF AC'S LEG.  
CG: THEN HE BLOCKS HER BECAUSE HE HAS MORE IMPORTANT SHIT TO DEAL WITH TONIGHT.  
AC: :33 < *ac ignores her poor mutilated paw and pricks her ears in feline curiosity*  
CG: CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT.  
AC: :33 < and satisfaction brought it back! ;33  
AC: :?? < whats going on thats so impurrtant?  
CG: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO AWAY UNTIL I TALK, ARE YOU.  
AC: :33 < nope!  
AC: :33 < *ac sits on karkittys f33t holds her wounded paw in a piteous manner and stares up at him with impurrious eyes until he confesses efurrything*  
CG: FINE.  
CG: LONG STORY SHORT, JARLIA HAD A BAD DREAM AND, IN A TYPICAL RAGE-INDUCING FIT OF USELESS MEDDLING, ACCIDENTALLY MADE IT START TO COME TRUE.  
CG: VRISKA IS GOING TO USE SOLLUX TO KILL ARADIA BEFORE DAWN.  
CG: TEREZI'S WORKING TO GET DAVVEN TO INTERVENE.  
CG: JARLIA'S DOING SOMETHING, WHO THE FUCK EVEN CARES WHAT.  
CG: AND ALONDE AND I ARE ARGUING OVER WHAT TO DO REGARDING JOTHAN, TAVROS, AND POTENTIAL SUMMONED HORRORSQUID.  
AC: :(( < thats pawful!!!  
CG: TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW.  
CG: OR ACTUALLY, DON'T.  
CG: LET ME GET BACK TO DOING USEFUL THINGS INSTEAD OF WASTING TIME ON YOU.  
AC: :33 < yes good karkitty fix this!  
AC: :33 < we cant let vwhiskers kill any of our furriends!  
AC: :33 < have you talked to my meowrail yet?  
AC: :33 < purrhaps he can help!  
CG: ...  
CG: HANG ON.

**==== >Go back to Alonde**

TT: <\- But what shall I hang on to? Or from? ->  
TT: -> That was a joke, incidentally. <-  
TT: ...  
TT: => If you don't reappear with a reasonable explanation within thirty seconds, I will block you and troll Jothan immediately. <=  
CG: WHAT, YOU'RE NOT HAPPY WITH SWIMMING IN THE SHALLOW TIDEPOOL OF IDIOCY AND YOUR SOLUTION IS TO TAKE AN ACROBATIC BELLYFLOP INTO THE OPEN SEA OF COMPLETE BRAINLESS FUCKUPS?  
TT: -> A sea-themed metaphor and an admission of your comparative lack of intellectual acumen, all for me. I may swoon. <-  
TT: <\- Who was it? ->  
CG: NEPETA.  
TT: <\- And what did she say that held your attention for such an uncharacteristic length of time? ->  
TT: -> I was under the impression you preferred -- or prefurred, I should say -- to avoid her. <-  
CG: THERE WILL BE NO CAT PUNS IN THIS CONVERSATION. IN FACT THERE WILL BE NO PUNS AT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT THEME.  
CG: NONE OF THE PUNS. NONE OF THEM.  
TT: =:)  
CG: NEPETA WANTS TO KNOW IF ZAHHAK CAN HELP.  
TT: ...  
TT: -> I am inclined to say no on strictly reactionary grounds, but such hasty responses are often ill-considered. <-  
TT: -> As my instinctive distaste ebbs and reason returns, though, I remain dubious. <-  
TT: -> It's entirely possible that he could restrain Vriska, given that he is immune to her particular psychic talents. <-  
TT: -> However, he hasn't previously meddled in her affairs. <-  
TT: <\- Why would he bother now? ->  
CG: DO I LOOK LIKE I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE INNER WORKINGS OF THAT SWEATY BIGOT'S THINK PAN?  
CG: WHY DON'T YOU ASK SOMEBODY WHO ACTUALLY TALKS TO HIM, LIKE GAMZEE.  
CG: OR, IF YOU'D RATHER NOT DEAL WITH CHEMICALLY-ADDLED CLOWN GIBBERISH, WHY NOT SEE IF ZAHHAK HAS A MOIRAIL?  
CG: OH WAIT.  
CG: HE DOES.  
CG: AND I HAVE HER ON HOLD IN ANOTHER CHAT WINDOW.  
TT: -> This is inefficient. <-  
TT: -> I'm opening a memo. Answer the invitation. <-

**==== >Headdesk**

NO FUCKING PROBLEM.

**==== >Respond to memo**

CURRENT tentacleTormentrix [CTT] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board DOWN IN THE DEEP.

CTT: -> The purpose of this memo is to discuss whether or not to enlist Equius Zahhak into our multiphasic effort to prevent Vriska from killing Aradia. <-  
CTT: -> Karkat and I are skeptical. <-  
CTT: <\- Nepeta, what do you think he could do? ->  
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCG: AND WHY DO YOU THINK HE'D BOTHER.  
CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAC: :33 < *ac pounces on tt and rubs her ch33ks against tts skirt*  
CAC: :33 < *its so soft and warm*  
CTT: -> Wool does tend to have those characteristics, at least when dry. <-  
CTT: <\- Is this a roundabout way of requesting me to knit a new coat for you? ->  
CCG: FOCUS, PEOPLE.  
CCG: THERE IS A THING COLLOQUIALLY KNOWN AS A DEADLINE.  
CCG: IF YOU CROSS IT WITHOUT A PLAN, GUESS WHAT, PEOPLE DIE.  
CCG: ZAHHAK FETISHIZES THE HEMOCASTE SYSTEM AND ALL THE SHITTY IMBALANCES IT PERPETUATES.  
CCG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE CARE IF A BLUEBLOOD KILLS A RUSTBLOOD, EVEN IF THE BLUEBLOOD IS SPIDERBITCH AND THE RUSTBLOOD IS ARADIA.  
CAC: :33 < you cant efur tell him i told you!  
CAC: :// < im breaking the sacred trust of the f33lings jam beclaws i dont want aradia to die and i know he wont either  
CAC: :33 < beclaws...  
CAC: :33 < the thing is  
CAC: :33 < and he is so embarrassed about this you have no idea  
CAC: :33 < hes flushed fur her!!!  
CCG: OH FUCK ME SIDEWAYS AND CALL ME A FILIAL PAIL.  
CAC: :(( < ewww! bad karkitty!  
CTT: -> Well. <-  
CTT: -> That is certainly not something I expected to hear. <-  
CCG: YEAH BUT DOES IT CHANGE ANYTHING?  
CCG: HE STILL HAS A FUCKING STARSHIP UP HIS NOOK ABOUT THE HEMOSPECTRUM, PROPER SOCIAL ROLES AND ALL THAT BULLSHIT.  
CCG: IF ANYTHING I'D THINK AN EMBARRASSING FLUSHCRUSH WOULD MAKE HIM ACT LIKE EVEN MORE OF A REACTIONARY DOUCHEWAFFLE.  
CAC: X(( < *ac hisses and claws cg fur badmouthing her meowrail*  
CTT: -> He does have a point, Nepeta. <-  
CTT: Your moirail has many estimable qualities, his care for you high among them, but his treatment of others in our circle of acquaintance leaves something to be desired. <-  
CCG: UNLIKE YOURS OF COURSE.  
CTT: -> Shoosh, you. <-  
CTT: -> I have complete faith that Equius would regret Aradia's death. <-  
CCG: I WILL NOT SHOOSH.  
CTT: <\- But would the anticipation of that future regret be enough to outweigh the anchor of his reluctance to directly interfere with a fellow blueblood on behalf of a rustblood with whom he is not currently quadranted? ->  
CCG: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SHOOSH ME AND THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE QUADRANT MOCKERY.  
CTT: -> There, there, Karkat. Imagine me papping you with pity in my, to use the lowblood idiom, ganderbulbs. <-  
CAC: :33 < *ac shooshes cg too!* ;33  
CCG: AGOHIJADSFSDKLST  
CTT: <\- Nepeta? ->  
CAC: :// < i dont know what equius would do!  
CAC: :33 < i want to say yes of course hed help stop vwhiskers but...  
CCG: FINE. I CAN TELL WHEN I'M NOT WELCOME.  
CAC: :33 < he made sure i wouldnt purrlay flarp with her but he didnt stop aradia or tavros!   
CCG: I'LL GO DO SOMETHING USEFUL LIKE TROLLING JOTHAN.  
CAC: :33 < he didnt stop anything and hes lived across the canyon from her since they built their hives  
CTT: => Leave this memo without permission, Karkat Vantas, and I will see if I can manifest a Visitation inside your skull. <=  
CAC: :33 < purrhaps he knew aradia could take care of herself  
CAC: :33 < but so can i take care of myself hes s33n me hunt thats how we met!   
CCG: AND YOU SAY VRISKA'S OVERREACTING.  
CAC: :(( < and efurrybody knows tavros cant stand up to vwhiskers  
CAC: :33 < but killing aradia with no purrovocation is diffurrent!  
CAC: :33 < thats even worse than what she did to purr tavros!!!  
CAC: :33 < he hates when people dont follow the rules  
CCG: ABOUT THAT "WITHOUT PROVOCATION" PART.  
CCG: ARADIA SENT GHOSTS TO TORMENT VRISKA IN RETALIATION FOR MAKING TAVROS EVEN MORE OF A DOOMED LOSER THAN HE WAS BEFORE.  
CCG: VRISKA'S ENTITLED TO MAKE HER PAY.  
CTT: -> We simply think her idea of payment is too high, and far too permanent. <-  
CCG: SAID ONE FOODBLOCK UTENSIL TO THE OTHER. HA. HA. HA.  
CAC: :(( < *ac curls up in her den and whimpers*  
CAC: :(( < *she says if its revenge her meowrail wont help hell just get more revenge later*  
CAC: :(( < vengeance is admeowrable behoofior  
CAC: :(( < stopping it isnt  
CCG: SO ZAHHAK'S PICTURE OF A SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE OUTCOME IS FOR VRISKA TO KILL ARADIA, FOLLOWED BY HIM KILLING HER, JOTHAN KILLING HIM, YOU KILLING JOTHAN, ETCETERA AD INFINITUM, UNTIL WE ALL ROT.  
CCG: WHAT A BRILLIANT IDEA.  
CCG: HAS HE NEVER HEARD OF AUSPISTICISM?  
CAC: X33 < *ac pounces on cg and claws him up again!*  
CAC: :33 < *she says you take that back i wouldnt let him kill vwhiskers even if she deserves it*  
CAC: :33 < im a good meowrail!!!   
CTT: -> Nobody is implying otherwise, Nepeta. <-  
CTT: <\- Right, Karkat? ->  
CCG: DON'T YOU HAVE ASHMATES ALREADY, HEKATA?  
CAC: :33 < *ac flicks her ears and turns her back on both of you*  
CAC: :33 < *she says fine go ahead and cheat on jarlia you big meanie*  
CTT: <\- Jarlia? ->  
CTT: <\- Goodness, is that official now? ->  
CTT: -> And to think nobody told me! Suddenly I am quite flooded with embarrassment over segments of this conversation. <-  
CTT: =;)  
CCG: YOU KNOW WHAT EVERY SINGLE SEGMENT OF THIS CONVERSATION IS?  
CCG: A MONUMENTAL WASTE OF TIME WHEN ARADIA'S LIFE IS HANGING BY A THREAD. THE THREAD BEING A STRAND OF VRISKA'S WEB. METAPHORICALLY.  
CCG: YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IT IS?  
CCG: NONE OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING BUSINESS, THAT'S WHAT!  
CCG: ARE WE ASKING THAT SWEATY BULGEMUNCH TO HELP OR NOT?  
CAC: :33 < hey!!!  
CTT: -> I think, that while his assistance would be invaluable given his proximity to Vriska and his presumed ability to physically render her unconscious should the situation degenerate that far,  
CTT: -> his reaction is too unpredictable to base any plans around his participation. <-  
CTT: -> We will simply have to stop Vriska without him. <-  
CTT: <\- On that note, if the proper form of a vengeance cycle is that important to him, will he hinder our attempt at interference? ->  
CAC: :33 < um  
CAC: :33 < purrobably not?  
CAC: :33 < hell grump and need a pawful lot of towels but he wont want aradia to die  
CCG: WHAT A HERO.  
CTT: -> Don't be rude, Karkat. <-  
CTT: -> It wastes time. <-  
CCG: SO IT DOES! HOW HAS THAT MIRACULOUS FACT ESCAPED ME FOR OVER FIVE SWEEPS! IT IS A MYSTERY!  
CCG: I'M GOING TO TROLL JOTHAN NOW.  
CCG: SUMMON A GODDAMN SQUID AND TALK TO TAVROS.  
CTT: => No. I will troll Jothan. <=  
CTT: => You will talk to Tavros. <=  
CCG: EXCUSE ME, BUT WHICH OF US CONTACTED WHOM ABOUT THIS PROJECT?  
CTT: -> Your slight temporal advantage in awareness of the situation does not mean you have a better understanding of it, nor a better grasp of the quirks of our compatriots. <-  
CAC: :33 < *ac pounces in between cg and tt and bares her furrocious t33th*  
CAC: :33 < *she says fur people so worried about wasting time you k33p wasting a lot of it*  
CAC: :33 < *she raises her chin and reminds you that she knows lots about our furreinds too and all kinds of ships!*  
CCG: CG SAYS THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ROMANCE.  
CAC: :33 < *ac nips cgs cute little nose to get his attention*  
CAC: :33 < *she says its totally about romance you said it yourself were all auspisticizing fur vwhiskers and aradia*  
CTT: -> I would dispute that analysis. <-  
CAC: :33 < also i f33l karkitty is right!  
CCG: OF COURSE YOU'D DISPUTE IT, EVEN THOUGH YOUR CONCILIATORY PROMISCUITY IS AN OPEN SECRET.   
CAC: :33 < jothan is terrified of alonde and wont listen to her or will find ways to furget what she says  
CTT: <= MY conciliatory promiscuity? =>  
CAC: :33 < and tavros doesnt listen to boys who give him advice but does listen to girls who give him orders  
CTT: -> I believe someone may be projecting. <-  
CAC: :33 < so pawbviously karkitty should troll jothan and alonde should troll tavros!  
CAC: :33 < purroblem solved!!! :33  
CAC: X33 < and stop hateflirting in front of me you two its embarrassing  
CAC: :33 < efurryone knows karkitty belongs to jarlia even if thats really pawkward fur me  
CAC: :33 < and alonde youd be so much better with davven i purromise  
CTT: ...   
CCG: ...  
CCG: I'M GOING TO TROLL JOTHAN NOW.  
CTT: -> You go do that. <-  
CAC: :33 < yes good :33  
CAC: :33 < ill tell jarlia what efurrybodys doing  
CAC: :33 < good luck you guys!!!  
CAC ceased responding to memo.  
CTT: -> Let us never speak of this again. <-  
CCG: NO FUCKING PROBLEM.  
CTT banned CCG from responding to memo.

CTT closed memo.

**==== >Now what?**

Now you're going to waste more time freaking out and cursing your past self for ever thinking trading screen names with either of those girls was anything less than the prelude to complete and utter disaster. Except, oh wait! You're not going to do anything that asinine, because you are an efficient troll with leadership potential and you have a mission to complete and a hatefriend's life to save. Unlike some people whose names you won't mention.

You scroll down your chumproll and select Jothan's name. Here goes nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unless things spin completely out of my control, the let's-save-Aradia plot arc will wrap up in two more chapters. Chapter 7 will be in Vriska's POV -- this is an executive decision, since she'll have the best view on how everything goes down. But please feel free to vote on who the chapter 6 POV character should be! Your main options are Jothan and Terezi, though I can also make Tavros work. They are the people most directly involved in the current plot (at least, the people whose POVs the narrative has not already inhabited), and are also the three characters most likely to speak with Vriska directly. (You _could_ be someone else, but unless you give me a really interesting plot twist anyone else's POV would probably be a joke interval like Nepeta's cameo in chapter 2.)
> 
> Feel free to provide reasons for your choice and discuss amongst yourselves. :-)
> 
> (You can also vote over at [my livejournal](http://edenfalling.livejournal.com/634039.html), where I post the chapters in sections under the [-trollstuck](http://edenfalling.livejournal.com/tag/-trollstuck) tag and there are more chances to direct the plot.)


	6. Jothan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is REALLY HARD to draw three-dimensional horn shapes without breaking the basically 2D visual language of Homestuck sprites. So Jothan's horns look pretty stupid here, kind of like butterfly antennae. Actually they are shaped more like the contour of an aileron roll. Probably there is an easy way to fake that while still using the basic sprite template, but as I have said before and will doubtless say many times again, I am not an artist. *sigh*

**==== >Be Jothan**

Finally a straightforward directive! Sure, no problem!

You are Jothan Aeolio, prankster supreme and all around awesome purveyor of whimsy! It's a hard job but somebody's gotta do it! Jokes don't play themselves after all.

 

**==== >Answer Karkat**

That's a little hard, since Karkat isn't trolling you right now. Usually you talk to him almost every night, and you try to visit him at least two or three times each perigee, but he's been awfully crabby since... well, yeah, since that whole mess with Vriska and Tavros and Flarp and god, you are _so tired_ of hearing about that. It was a dumb, stupid thing for Vriska to do, which you would have told her if she'd asked instead of going all "destined rom8nce!!!!!!!!" and confusing Tavros with some guy in that ratty old book she found ages ago. But Tavros isn't dead and it's not like Alternia doesn't have the technology to give him robot legs or anything. He could probably even get rocket-legs and how cool would that be?

Okay, so maybe Tavros can't afford that kind of thing -- he's too low on the hemospectrum to get the same living allowance you and Vriska do -- but you'd totally be willing to pay. You bet Vriska would too if anyone calmed down for half a minute and suggested it to her. She's not nearly as unreasonable as all your other friends think she is!

Huh. Maybe you should suggest it. You're planning to drop by her hive soon anyway. She's been really mopey and weird the last couple nights and you're running out of ideas to cheer her up.

**==== >Answer Karkat already**

You already explained that Karkat isn't trolling you right now! One of your other friends is, though. You could answer her. Would that be all right?

**==== >Talk to your mysterious friend**

Jarlia sure can be mysterious! You certainly have no idea why she lets all those carnivorous plants grow in her windows. You also aren't really certain if you believe she can see the future -- call you crazy, but you like to think trolls have free will and that means there are infinite possible futures, right? But what the heck, she believes it and she's even got an awesome robot to record her dreams so her precognition is definitely less fake than a lot of things in the Empire. And the few times she's asked you to help change stuff turned into really neat adventures with Davven and once with Nepeta, so it's not like you're going to argue with her.

Except if it's funny, of course. Hehehe.

**==== >Answer Jarlia**

You answer Jarlia and proceed to have a conversation we've already witnessed.

**==== >Jothan: Do something rash**

How does trolling Vriska and telling her that your friends are conspiring against her count as rash? She deserves to know! If Aradia started a revenge cycle of course Vriska should get a chance to retaliate! That's only fair. Once Vriska strikes back -- and you think she should try her best to make it _hurt_ , because nobody should have to be as miserable as she's been this week -- then Aradia will call off her ghosts, Vriska won't be mopey anymore, and everyone can move past this mess and start doing interesting things again.

You don't believe Vriska would actually kill Aradia. Yeah, she has to feed her lusus, but those are strangers, not people you actually know. It's different with friends! She didn't kill Tavros, did she? No matter how badly everyone else is taking that, he's still alive and as long as you're alive things can always get better. Where would the fun be if that weren't true?

Jarlia's just being melodramatic like she always gets about the future. You're still mad at Davven for having that stupid fight with her -- it's making both of them unhappy and you don't like it when your friends are unhappy -- but sometimes you can see how a guy could get annoyed with all that mysterious death, doom, and fate-of-the-world stuff she types at people when she gets worked up.

Anyway, the sooner you tell Vriska the sooner you can put all this unpleasant stuff behind you and get life back to normal!

Everything will work out for the best. You're sure of it.

**==== >Troll Vriska**

\-- ghastlyTrickster [GT] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

GT: ~~ hi vriska!  
GT: ~~ i know you're there, you haven't left your hive in nearly a week.  
GT: ~~ i have something really important to tell you!  
GT: ~~ rrrrrrrreeeeeeeeaaaaaaaallllllllyyyyyyyy important!!!!!!!!  
AG: Go away, Jothan.  
AG: I don't want to talk now.  
GT: ~~ because of aradia's ghosts?  
GT: ~~ is that why you've been so weird the past few nights?  
AG: How did you know a8out them????????  
AG: I didn't tell any8ody! She didn't tell any8ody!  
AG: Or w8, has she 8een gloating?  
AG: She's 8een gloating, right? Just 8ecause I m8de a tiny little mist8ke that anyone could have m8de!  
AG: I w8s trying to help that dum8ass 8ut he wouldn't listen!  
AG: No8ody ever listens to me!!!!!!!!  
GT: ~~ chill out, aradia didn't tell me!  
AG: Then how do you know?!  
GT: ~~ that's the bad news.  
GT: ~~ jarlia just tried to trick me into pretending to be a ghost and freaking you out for real.  
GT: ~~ i know you're strong and you won't let a bunch of stupid ghosts keep you down or make you do anything stupid.  
GT: ~~ and i guess everyone else knows that too.  
AG: As they should!  
AG: I would never let something as pathetic as a ghost 8reak me!  
GT: ~~ yes well, that's why the others are conspiring against you now.  
AG: Wh8t?  
GT: ~~ what else would you call it?  
GT: ~~ jarlia said she had a dream about you killing aradia, but i know you wouldn't do that.  
GT: ~~ so she must have been lying.  
GT: ~~ and the only reason i can think of for that is if she's conspiring with aradia and trying to turn people against you.  
GT: ~~ i'm sorry to tell you all that but i think you deserve to know!  
AG: That doesn't m8ke sense. Why would I kill Aradia?  
AG: She's a l8mey l8me little wanna8e meddler, 8ut it's not like I h8 her or anything.  
GT: ~~ i don't know, i am just passing on what jarlia said.  
GT: ~~ maybe she's going to realize her ghosts won't faze you and try something worse?  
AG: WORSE????????  
GT: ~~ are the ghosts that bad?  
GT: ~~ why would any ghosts hate you anyway?  
AG: ........  
AG: Would killing her m8ke them go away?  
GT: ~~ i don't know, maybe?  
GT: ~~ does it even matter? she shouldn't have done that in the first place. you didn't do anything to her!  
GT: ~~ it's tavros's choice whether to hit back, right?  
GT: ~~ and he hasn't, so that's that.  
GT: ~~ i know you didn't mean things to go so far. if you apologize and maybe get equius to make some robot legs i bet tavros will be glad.  
GT: ~~ vriska?  
GT: ~~ are you still there????????  
AG: I want them to go aw8y.  
AG: I can't sleep.  
AG: I can't th8nk.  
AG: I can't go 8nywhere 8ecause they keep following me and p8ssing through me, 8nd they h8 me, I c8n feel it in their he8ds, they h8 me just like every8ody h8s me.  
AG: They w8nt to p8ll me down 8nd m8ke me just like th8m unt8l I scream for8ver 8nd ever 8nd no8ody c8n he8r and I c8n't t8ke 8t 8nym8re!!!!!!!!  
AG: I need th8m to go 8w8y!  
AG: How do I m8ke th8m g8 8w8y????????  
GT: ~~ ok that is it, i am coming over to your hive.  
GT: ~~ we will play stupid dice games and watch "wherein an investerrogator is lured to a lowblood cultist colony in an attempt to save his former matesprit's moirail, etc."  
GT: ~~ i have the extended cut with the bees and everything.  
GT: ~~ and then i will listen for a whole hour while you tell me about the troll you think was my ancestor.  
GT: ~~ just breathe and wait for me.  
GT: ~~ we'll figure out how to fix this, i promise.  
AG: No you won't. No8ody can fix this.  
AG: Except me.

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling ghastlyTrickster [GT] \--

**==== >That doesn't sound good**

You're right, it really doesn't! You'd better hurry and find a way to make Vriska feel better before she does something stupid. Sometimes when she gets upset she does things she doesn't actually mean, and you hate seeing how torn up she gets afterwards. It makes something in your chest twist up and hurt, and you'd give a whole perigee's living allowance to go back and make problems unhappen so she wouldn't be depressed, but unfortunately time travel is not a thing that exists. (No matter how cool it would be.) So you'd better not screw up tonight.

You are about to jump on your rocket bike and do an acrobatic barrel roll out the window when your computer pings at you.

Oh, not now! You don't have time for this!

The new Trollian window calls to you with a seductive pull, fighting against your determination to save Vriska. You really have to stop talking to every random person on your chumproll just because you might get a chance to set up a spectacular joke. There are more important things in life than pranks, hard as that is to believe.

But addiction is a powerful thing.

**==== >Have a brilliant idea**

You suddenly remember that you have a handheld wireless computing device complete with souped-up satellite connection capability, which you snagged from a dead troll's hive in case you and Gamzee ever got totally lost out at sea and needed to call for a rescue. You can talk on that while you fly!

...Or maybe not, that's probably dangerous. You really ought to get an autopilot installed one of these nights.

Maybe if you fly really high you won't crash into anything?

It's worth a shot!

**==== >Hit the road**

That would be silly. You hit the sky instead.

**==== >Answer the person trolling you**

Hold on, you need a minute to get set before you try anything fancy like flying and typing at the same time! Your rocket bike is pretty sweet -- Davven put his stupid irony shtick away for one night to help you with the paint job, and the green slimeghost decals are the epitome of awesome if you do say so yourself -- but it can be a little tricky to ride sometimes. Which is probably your own fault for buying an adult-sized machine, but really, why buy something smaller and keep having to replace it when you can just get something that lasts? And it wasn't _that_ hard to learn how to stop falling off in midair.

You gain altitude as fast as you can without actually going vertical -- that tends to stall the engine for some reason -- level off in the general direction of Vriska's hive, jam your feet as far forward in the footrests as possible, and stick the accelerator lever in place with a wad of gum.

Okay. _Now_ you can pull out your handheld wireless computing device, or, as you prefer to call it, Casey. (What? It has this nifty blue chrome case with a sort of stylized wind pattern and... you know what, you don't need to justify yourself to some imaginary voice behind a computer screen. So nyah!)

Oh, hey. It's Tavros.

**==== >Answer Tavros**

\-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling ghastlyTrickster [GT] \--

AT: uH, hEY, jOTHAN,  
AT: i DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE THERE, aND ALSO WILLING TO TALK,  
AT: bUT i THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD,  
AT: eVEN IF i dON'T WANT TO,  
AT: dON'T WANT TO TALK IN GENERAL, i MEAN,  
AT: aND ALSO NOT TO YOU, sPECIFICALLY, bECAUSE OF YOUR ROLE IN ME BREAKING MY LEGS AND BACK,  
AT: nOT THAT YOU BROKE THEM YOURSELF, dIRECTLY,  
AT: bUT YOU WERE INVOLVED, aND, i THINK THAT IS A BAD THING,  
AT: tHAT IS TO SAY, pROBABLY, aND i'M SURE YOU DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT,  
AT: bUT,  
AT: iT HAPPENED,  
AT: uHH,,,  
AT: aRE YOU EVEN THERE,  
AT: i FEEL A LITTLE SILLY TYPING INTO A VOID,  
AT: uNLESS THIS IS A PRANK, iN WHICH CASE i STILL FEEL SILLY,  
AT: bUT MAYBE IN A DIFFERENT WAY,  
GT: ~~ hi tavros, sorry i took so long to answer!  
GT: ~~ i'm on my rocket bike heading over to vriska's hive to make sure she's ok,  
GT: ~~ so i'm typing one-handed on casey.  
AT: wHAT'S A CASEY,  
GT: ~~ my handheld wireless computing device! she's awesome! :)  
GT: ~~ hey, speaking of your legs, i had the best idea just an hour ago.  
GT: ~~ robot legs!  
GT: ~~ you should totally get robot legs now that yours don't work.  
GT: ~~ would that or would that not be the most awesome thing ever?  
GT: ~~ and don't worry if you can't pay, i'm sure vriska and i can pitch in and maybe we can even talk equius into making them.  
GT: ~~ i hear he's pretty good at that stuff. :)  
AT: uHHH,,,  
GT: ~~ you don't have to decide now, but think about it!  
GT: ~~ we can figure out the details tomorrow.  
GT: ~~ anyway, what did you want (or not want) to talk about?  
AT: oH, wELL, tHAT IS,  
AT: fIRST, i WANTED TO TELL YOU, tHAT gAMZEE ARRIVED SAFELY,  
AT: mORE OR LESS,  
AT: iF CRASHING HIS SAIL-PROPELLED FLOATATION VEHICLE INTO THE CLIFFS, cOUNTS AS ARRIVING,  
AT: bUT HE IS ALMOST DEFINITELY NOT HURT, aND IS BAKING SOME PIES FOR US TO SHARE,  
GT: ~~ have you ever had gamzee's pies before?  
AT: nOT THAT i REMEMBER,  
GT: ~~ with gamzee's pies, that might not mean much. hahahaha!  
GT: ~~ but you are in for a real treat. :)  
AT: i WILL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR THAT,  
GT: ~~ good!  
GT: ~~ what else did  
AT: uH,  
AT: hMM,  
AT: jOTHAN,  
AT: uHHH,,,  
AT: yOU STOPPED TYPING, aLL OF A SUDDEN,  
AT: dID YOU CRASH YOUR BIKE,  
GT: ~~ haha, nope, but i accidentally flew through a cloud and couldn't see for a minute, whoops!  
GT: ~~ then i dropped casey while i was cleaning off my glasses and had to swoop down and dramatically save her from smashing on the mountains.  
AT: tHAT SOUNDS LIKE A SWEET CATCH, i GUESS,  
AT: bRO,  
GT: ~~ it sure was!  
GT: ~~ so like i was saying, what else did you want to tell me?  
AT: iT'S LESS SOMETHING i WANTED TO TELL, aND MORE SOMETHING i WANTED TO ASK,  
AT: iF THAT MAKES SENSE,  
GT: ~~ sure, ask whatever you want!  
GT: ~~ i promise to listen very carefully.  
AT: wELL, wHAT i WANTED TO ASK WAS, sOMETHING LIKE,  
AT: wHY DID YOU HELP vRISKA,  
AT: dID YOU KNOW WHAT SHE WAS PLANNING, oR EVEN IF SHE WAS PLANNING THAT, sPECIFICALLY,  
AT: oR IF SHE WASN'T, wHY SHE WANTED aRADIA AND tEREZI DISTRACTED,  
AT: bECAUSE, i'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THE INCIDENT, aND IT NEVER STARTS TO MAKE ANY SENSE,  
AT: bUT YOU KNOW HER PROBABLY BETTER THAN ANYONE,  
AT: sO i WONDERED,  
AT: iF YOU COULD EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED,  
AT: aND MAYBE ALSO WHY,  
GT: ~~ oh.  
GT: ~~ tavros, i am so sick of talking about this.  
GT: ~~ i've talked about it with literally every single person we know.  
GT: ~~ but i'll tell you the same thing i told everyone else.  
GT: ~~ i distracted aradia and terezi because vriska asked me to, and because it was funny. that's all!  
GT: ~~ i did not know vriska was going to make you jump off a cliff. i also did not know falling off a cliff would make you break your legs and your back.  
GT: ~~ and i don't know why she did it.  
GT: ~~ she's been trying to make you stronger.  
GT: ~~ maybe she got frustrated it was taking so long?  
GT: ~~ she can be really impulsive when she's upset! i'm sure she's sorry you got hurt and will apologize once i get this mess with aradia's ghosts straightened out.  
GT: ~~ i'm sorry too, but like i said, robot legs! think about it!  
AT: sHE HAS SAID SHE'S SORRY, bEFORE,  
AT: bUT IT DOESN'T STOP HER, fROM NOT LEAVING ME ALONE,  
AT: aND, i GUESS, i DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE BOTHERS,  
AT: iF SHE THINKS, tHAT i'M WEAK,  
AT: wHICH MAY BE TRUE,  
AT: eSPECIALLY COMPARED TO HER,  
AT: wHY NOT FIND A DIFFERENT FLARP TEAM TO PLAY WITH,  
GT: ~~ because she likes you, stupid!  
AT: uHHHH,,,  
AT: mAYBE, tHERE IS SOMETHING, tHAT i'M MISSING,  
AT: bUT, iF SHE LIKES ME, wHY DOESN'T SHE EVER LISTEN TO ME,  
GT: ~~ i'm sure she does! she's always telling me things you said.  
AT: yES BUT, sHE DOESN'T PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT i WANT,  
AT: i THINK,  
GT: ~~ don't be silly, everyone wants to be strong!  
GT: ~~ obviously she didn't pick the best way to make that happen, but i know she only wants what's best for you.  
GT: ~~ you are a neat guy, deep down inside!  
GT: ~~ you have a good sense of humor, gamzee says you rap really well, jarlia says you take care of the animals that live near your hive, you have cool psychic powers, and all kinds of stuff going for you!  
GT: ~~ you just need some confidence, which i guess is what vriska was trying to teach you.  
AT: tHAT SOUNDS NICE, pROBABLY,  
AT: bUT, hOW IS MAKING IMPOSSIBLE FLARP CAMPAIGNS,  
AT: sUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL CONFIDENT,  
AT: wHEN i ALWAYS LOSE,  
GT: ~~ you lose because you always abscond. durr, tavros, durr.  
GT: ~~ sometimes you have to fight!  
GT: ~~ even when you think it's impossible!  
GT: ~~ even when the whole world is against you!  
GT: ~~ there is always a way to win. :)  
AT: ThAt ThErE iS a TrUe WoRd FoR fUcKiNg SuRe.  
AT: MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS, bRo.  
GT: ~~ ...  
GT: ~~ gamzee????????  
AT: YeAh It'S mE. pIe'S dOnE sO i AlL sNuCk In AnD sWaPpEd A pIeCe FoR tHe KeYbOaRd. :o)  
GT: ~~ wow, it's weird to see your quirk in tavros's color!  
AT: HaNg On I sHoUlD fUcKiNg ChAnGe My HaNdLe So It'S sTrAiGhT oVeR rEpReSeNtInG mE aNd NoT aLl MaKiNg OuT wItH lIkE i'M sOmEoNe WhO i'M nOt.  
TC: HoNk.  
TC: HeY mY mAiN sAiLbRo, HoW's ThE wInD tOnIgHt?  
TC: It'S aLl BlOwInG mOtHeRfUcKiNg FiErCe Up ArOuNd HeRe At TaVrOs'S hIvE bUt We'Re AlL aT bEiNg SnUg aS tWo BuGs In A rUg InSiDe Of ThE dOoRs.  
GT: ~~ that's good to hear!  
GT: ~~ the wind is fine, which i can tell you firsthand because i'm flying on my bike over to vriska's hive.  
GT: ~~ i am trying to cheer her up like you're doing with tavros.  
TC: HaHaHa AwEsOmE.  
TC: YoU wAnT i ShOuLd AlL bE sEnDiNg YoU sOmE pIe, MoThErFuCkEr? NeVeR kNoWn AnY tRoLl As Up AnD cOuLd ReSiSt ThE mIrAcLe Of HoMeCoOkEd ShIt.  
GT: ~~ i think the postal drones would take too long to deliver it, but thanks for the offer.  
GT: ~~ vriska definitely needs to know her friends are looking after her.  
GT: ~~ aradia was way out of line taking vengeance when tavros obviously didn't want to, and we need to show her we're on her side.  
GT: ~~ oh wait, do you know about that?  
TC: Do I hAvE mY kNoWiNg On AbOuT wHaT?  
GT: ~~ it's a long story!  
GT: ~~ but basically aradia set ghosts to torture vriska and now jarlia is conspiring against her too, trying to make people think vriska is going to kill aradia in revenge.  
GT: ~~ which is obviously ridiculous, but vriska sounded really upset when i talked to her so i'm going to help her figure out what to do to solve this.  
GT: ~~ revenge is stupid and dumb and i am so sick of this mess making everyone grumpy.  
GT: ~~ we need to get back to being friends.  
TC: MoThErFuCkInG cRaZy, BrO.  
TC: BuT gHoStY bItChFiTs SoUnDs LiKe ArOuNd FaIr FoR tAvBrO's LeGs, If ShE aLl Up AnD cALlS tHeM oFf AfTeR vRiSkA sAyS sHe'S aT bEiNg SoRrY nOw.  
TC: AnD mOtHeRfUcKiNg MeAnS iT.  
GT: ~~ of course she'll say she's sorry! because she IS sorry!  
GT: ~~ vriska's a good person. she just gets confused sometimes, and does stuff she doesn't really mean when she's upset.  
GT: ~~ which is why i'm going to cheer her up now. :)  
TC: CoOl JoBrO, yOu LoOk AfTeR tHe SpIdErSiS aLl GoOd AnD i'Ll KeEp My MaIn MoThErFuCkInG eYe On TaVrOs AnD iT's AlL bEiNg SwEeT.  
TC: HoNk :o)  
GT: ~~ honk honk!  
TC: HaHaHaHaHa!  
TC: PeAcE oUt MoThErFuCkEr.

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling ghastlyTrickster [GT] \--

**==== >Reflect on conversation**

You'd love to, but right now you really need to concentrate on flying. You're getting very close to Vriska's hive, and you've been flying close to the ground to avoid any further mishaps with clouds -- on due consideration, falling from high up won't actually give you extra time to correct your trajectory. It will just make your landing more violent. But it's tricky to navigate the cliffs and canyons around Vriska's hive.

You tilt your bike and gain altitude. Then you lean forward and begin scraping the gum off the accelerator lever. It has a lot more sticking power than you expected! It's hardened and frozen into a weird, brittle-sticky lump that's nearly impossible to get off, and now the lever doesn't want to pull back. 

In fact, you think the lever is jammed.

Well, shit.

Now what are you supposed to do?

**==== >Crash**

It definitely looks like that's going to be a thing that happens!

Of course, nothing says you have to be _on_ your bike when it plows into the ground at high speed and explodes in a fiery ball of certain death. You don't have a parachute (yours got kind of trashed last perigee when you and Gamzee tried using it to parasail and you keep forgetting to replace it) but if you time this right and find a convenient tree or something to cushion your _holy fuck a doomsday device oh shit oh shit oh sh---_

**==== >Crash!**

No! None of Vriska's doomsday devices ever work the way they're supposed to -- living next door to Equius hasn't translated to any noticeable improvement in her own technical skills -- but that doesn't mean they aren't dangerous!

You slalom your bike through the jagged spikes that make up the half-finished framework of this device. Giant panels of mirrored glass hang between some of the supports, reflecting your exhaust flames in a confusing whirlpool of red and gold. You should just gain altitude and escape, except now you're deep inside it, and there are panels overhead and underneath as well as to each side, and everything's heating up around you and you keep spiraling around and you're not quite sure which way is up anymore.

What the hell is this thing even supposed to do? Focus sunlight into a laser tornado or something? How would that even work? _Why are you thinking about irrelevant crap when you're about to die?_

Your bike whips in an ever-tighter spiral until finally you reach the center of the device and see open sky. You tilt back, heading nearly straight up, and barely miss slamming through who knows how many layers of glass and steel.

Just as you get up and over the device, your bike stalls.

**==== >Crash already!!!!!!!!**

You are hanging dead in the air between Vriska's and Equius's hives; the doomsday device is strung in the canyon between them. In about one second, gravity will overcome the upward inertia of your bike and hammer you to the distant ground. You are a blueblood and therefore exceptionally tough, but not even Feferi is tough enough to survive that kind of impact.

But! One hive is closer than the other. If you are very fast and very, very lucky...

You throw yourself sideways, kick off your bike for a tiny extra bit of momentum, and tuck into a ball.

Your bike smashes through the doomsday device and plummets to its fiery doom at the edge of spidermom's web, trailing a shower of wreckage in its wake. Meanwhile you smash through one of Equius Zahhak's windows and slam horns first into a reinforced wall.

As you pass out, you think you hear the chime of a Trollian window opening.

Your friends have the _worst timing ever._

**==== >Jothan: Wake**

When you blink your way back into muzzy awareness, you are lying flat on your back on what appears to be one of Equius's worktables. A wide leather strap is fastened over your waist, and there are some objects resting on a tall stool beside your head. You grope awkwardly in their direction, hoping to find your glasses.

Success! You fumble the frames onto your face. The lenses are cracked beyond repair, but they're still better than nothing. Now you can see to open your sylladex, which always has a spare set since that time you ended up half-blind in Alonde's hive and nearly died about eight times over between the water, the squid, her lusus, and her creepy summoning circles.

You successfully decaptchalogue your spare glasses without launching anything across the room. Then you unbuckle the leather strap, sit up, and look around properly.

The room is made of bare stone with no windows and a locked steel door -- probably somewhere way down in the canyon wall, then. A heap of broken robot parts lies in one corner. Equius is so weird about those robots! They never manage to give him a good fight, no matter how STRONG he builds them, because he can't program them to be unpredictable enough. He should just get over his issues and ask Sollux for software help. But no, that would be beneath his dignity as a b100b100d or whatever it is he's always going on about. Stupid, stupid, dumb!

There are three other things on the stool beside the table: a glass of milk, a folded paper, and your handheld wireless computing device. Oh wow, Casey survived! Awesome!

You should probably read Equius's note before you go online, though.

**==== >Read note**

You unfold the paper. In midnight blue ink, it says:

D --> Jothan Aeolio  
D --> While it was ine%cusably rude of you to invade my hive, I feel it incumbent upon me to prevent the death of a fellow b100b100d through negligence insofar as that is possible  
D --> I e%amined you for spinal trauma and found none  
D --> Nonetheless I insist that you remain lying down and have locked the door to ensure this course of action  
D --> It is for your own safety  
D --> I order you to comply  
D --> I have gone to salvage the wreckage of your rocketcycle and 100k at the foundations of my hive  
D --> The milk and your wireless device are available in case you wake while I am gone  
D --> Do not try anything foalish such as begging my neighbor for rescue  
D --> We will discuss this further when I return  
D --> Equius Zahhak

**==== >Try something foalish**

Don't you mean foolish? Hahahaha!

Anyway, you don't need Vriska to rescue you. Unless Equius has done something really weird to the walls or the door, you can break out whenever you want. That's what your warhammer is for.

You grab it from your strife specibus and take an experimental swing at the door. The dent is about the depth you expected, given the strength behind your blow. Yeah, okay. Locks, what locks?

But you might as well wait until Equius gets back so you can ask him if he knows anything about this conspiracy. You're pretty sure he has a thing for Aradia, and he made Jarlia's dreambot so... oh, hang on, what if _he's_ the one behind this, and he programmed the robot to screw up Jarlia's visions? That would be just like the plot of a movie you and Vriska watched five perigees ago, all layers under layers until even Niklas Cayidj could hardly figure out who the real mastermind behind the evil conspiracy was!

So yeah. You're not going anywhere just yet.

In the meantime, you might as well check Trollian and see who was trying to reach you.

**==== >Read log**

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling ghastlyTrickster [GT] \--

CA: hey joth wwhats up  
CA: wwoww i am so fuckin tired right noww you havve no idea  
CA: stupid lon an her stupid magic  
CA: wwhich i guess isnt quite as fake as i used ta believve  
CA: i mean maybe hypnosis could explain the non-euclidean lightshoww an the noises that wwerent actually noises that i heard and saww  
CA: as wwell as the huge fuckin headache i havve  
CA: but the slime burns on my poor ships rail an the wweird unctuous film cloggin up my gun are kinda hard to dispute  
CA: an the inside out glowwy corpse on the deck is an evven better argument that black magic is a thing that exists  
CA: by wwhich i mean lon set a fuckin alien death squid monster on me  
CA: an fef didnt do one damn thing ta stop her  
CA: wwhat kind a romance is that i ask you  
CA: ...  
CA: wwhere the fuck are you joth wwhy arent you answwerin me you douchelord  
CA: i just wwant ta commiserate about that huge wwitch come on talk ta me  
CA: she an aradia are plannin all kinds of treason  
CA: stuff to do wwith ancestors an legendary traitors an vvolcanoes an eldritch summons an wwho knowws wwhat else  
CA: ...  
CA: joth wwhat the fuck  
CA: wwhat is this  
CA: youre not the kind a troll to givve a guy the cold shoulder for no reason  
CA: an NO your jokes dont count as reasons  
CA: wwoww fuck you an this silence bullshit  
CA: is this some kind of black solicitation  
CA: are you in cahoots wwith lon noww  
CA: do you think playin horrorterror games an callin the condesces attention dowwn on our friends is funny or something  
CA: oh shit you wwould think thats hilarious wwouldnt you  
CA: you are exactly that kind of cracked in the brain  
CA: an noww youre tryin ta get me to flip my shit since im on ta you arent you  
CA: wwell its not gonna wwork i am not the kind of wweak wwilled wwimp ta roll ovver an play scared for you bulgemunchers  
CA: you wwant black you got it  
CA: ill bust into your hivve an leavve the squid monster in your coon see if i wwont  
CA: an wwhatevver you an lon are plannin i wwill wwreck your shit like shit has nevver been wwrecked in all the history of the univverse  
CA: just wwatch me  
CA: it is ON

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling ghastlyTrickster [GT] \--

**==== >Answer Eridan and correct his assumptions**

What are you, crazy? It's way funnier to let this go for a while. Besides, it's not like Eridan could really be a threat to anyone. Watching him try to rope you into a kismesissitude will be hilarity of the highest degree.

(You do wish you could figure out which of those three is auspisticizing for which other two, though. You're pretty sure it started with Alonde mediating when Eridan and Feferi flipped black, but this sounds like Eridan's accusing _Feferi_ of not mediating between him and _Alonde_. And you've seen Alonde and Feferi get all quiet and deadly at each other a couple times (which was terrifying and you really, really wish you hadn't been in the same room to watch) until Eridan broke the tension by being all socially inept at them, so... in conclusion they are kinky and make no sense and argh! You hate trying to figure romance out. It's hard and no one understands.)

Instead, you think you'll head across the canyon. You can apologize to Equius later, after you've made sure Vriska's all right -- assuming he's not secretly an evil mastermind or someone else's evil minion, of course.

You drink the milk (your throat is dry, okay?) and scribble a quick note on the back of the letter:

~~ hey equius, thanks for not tossing me over the cliff, haha! sorry about breaking your window and now your door. i'll help fix them later, or just pay for the supplies, whichever you want!

~~ jothan

You are just about to pick up your warhammer and bust through the door like you're an unjustly imprisoned spy breaking out of Troll Alcatraz when Casey pings. Someone is trolling you.

Oh, _goddammit_.

**==== >Answer your friend**

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ghastlyTrickster [GT] \--

CG: HEY ASSFACE, WHERE ARE YOU?  
GT: ~~ hi karkat, how are you? i am fine.  
GT: ~~ wow, it's good to know you're fine too!  
GT: ~~ isn't it great that we both know how to start conversations like normal trolls?  
CG: I'M NOT FINE AND YOU'RE NOT EITHER, NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK.  
CG: NOW WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?  
CG: AND HOW SOON CAN YOU GET TO VRISKA'S HIVE?  
GT: ~~ a lot sooner if you hadn't bothered me!  
GT: ~~ i am just about to break out of equius's basement.  
CG: YOU'RE BREAKING OUT OF EQUIUS'S BASEMENT.  
CG: OF COURSE, HOW OBVIOUS.  
CG: WHAT IN THE NAME OF FESTERING SHIT ARE YOU DOING THERE?  
GT: ~~ being passed out, mostly. :)  
GT: ~~ he locked me in after i crashed my rocket bike in a doomsday device and jumped through one of his windows to save myself from falling down into spidermom's web.  
GT: ~~ i kind of hit a wall and knocked myself out. oops!  
GT: ~~ but now i'm all better so i'm hurrying over to vriska's hive to make sure she's ok.  
GT: ~~ she sounded really stressed when i talked to her, because of this conspiracy nonsense.  
GT: ~~ speaking of which, do you know if equius did anything to jarlia's dreambot?  
GT: ~~ because if aradia's out to torture vriska, that would be an easy way to turn everyone against her, and equius goes all funny and 'please order me around' when she comes over, so he definitely has opportunity and motive!  
GT: ~~ ...  
GT: ~~ karkat are you even paying attention to me?  
CG: NO.  
CG: NO I AM NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU  
CG: BECAUSE I CAN'T READ MY HUSKTOP SCREEN THROUGH THE SKIN OF MY HANDS,  
CG: WHICH I HAVE SLAPPED OVER MY GANDERBULBS IN UTTER DISBELIEF AT THE DEPTH OF YOUR IMBECILITY.  
CG: ALSO MY NOSE IS FUCKING KILLING ME NOW. THANKS FOR THAT YOU SHITPANNED WASTE OF AIR.  
GT: ~~ ????????  
CG: LISTEN, YOU SACK OF CULLING LEFTOVERS.  
CG: THERE IS NO CONSPIRACY.  
CG: JARLIA SAW THE FUTURE, BUT BECAUSE HER ROBOT IS CURRENTLY BROKEN  
CG: (FOR REASONS THAT ARE COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT AND NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS ANYWAY)  
CG: SHE DIDN'T REMEMBER ALL THE DETAILS AND ACCIDENTALLY SET OFF THE CHAIN OF EVENTS SHE WAS TRYING TO PREVENT.  
CG: WANT TO GUESS HOW SHE DID THAT?  
CG: BY TROLLING YOU, GENIUS! THEN YOU TROLLED VRISKA.  
CG: AND SUDDENLY A PERFECTLY JUSTIFIABLE LESSON ABOUT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER OWN MASSIVE FAILINGS TURNED INTO A STARSHIP WITH A DEAD HELMSMAN LOCKED INTO A COLLISION COURSE WITH ARADIA'S HIVE.  
CG: ALMOST LITERALLY, SINCE SHE'S GOING TO USE SOLLUX AS THE MURDER WEAPON.  
CG: I KNOW YOU DON'T BELIEVE VRISKA WOULD DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT, BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE, GO SIT ON HER OR SOMETHING.  
CG: I DON'T CARE IF YOU GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT ARADIA OR NOT.  
CG: DO IT FOR VRISKA.  
CG: YOU ALWAYS SAY SHE FEELS BAD FOR THE SHIT SHE PULLS.  
CG: HOW ABOUT NOT LETTING HER PULL SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE INSTEAD OF TELLING HER AFTERWARD THAT IT WASN'T REALLY HER FAULT?  
CG: THAT WOULD BE A LOT MORE EFFICIENT, YOU DUMBFUCK.  
GT: ~~ oh my god, karkat, VRISKA IS NOT A BAD PERSON!!!!!!!!  
GT: ~~ she has every right to make aradia pay.  
GT: ~~ yeah breaking tavros was stupid and overboard but he's still alive.  
GT: ~~ we can fix him! we have the science!  
GT: ~~ and i don't know why everyone is so fast to jump to the worst conclusions about vriska!  
GT: ~~ why not jump to conclusions about aradia?  
CG: WHAT AN UNEXPECTED QUESTION!  
CG: LET ME OVERHEAT MY THINK PAN ATTEMPTING TO THREAD MY WAY THROUGH YOUR CONFOUNDING COUNTER ARGUMENT.  
CG: EXCEPT OH WAIT, I DON'T HAVE TO BECAUSE THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUS.  
CG: VRISKA'S A BITCH AND ARADIA'S NOT.  
CG: YOU IDIOT.  
GT: ~~ you're just prejudiced!  
GT: ~~ aradia's not harmless!  
GT: ~~ tavros let the flarp thing drop so that's that. it's not aradia's place to do stuff FOR him just because she's mad.  
GT: ~~ torturing people with ghosts is way beyond an equal retaliation!  
GT: ~~ vriska sounded REALLY upset when i trolled her, not like herself at all.  
GT: ~~ maybe i will break out of here and go help with whatever revenge she's planning.  
GT: ~~ you can join jarlia in the "tried to turn jothan against vriska but actually did the opposite" club, like the whiney tool you are.  
GT: ~~ and when this is all over and aradia's still alive but feels sorry for what she's done,  
GT: ~~ i will point and laugh and YOU can be the one wondering why your friends don't like you anymore!  
GT: ~~ so there.

\-- ghastlyTrickster [GT] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, JOTHAN.  
CG: OH WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE GOING OVER THERE.  
CG: MAYBE SEEING SPIDERBITCH IN THE MIDDLE OF CULLING SOMEONE YOU KNOW WILL MAKE YOU WAKE UP AND JOIN WHAT THE REST OF US FONDLY LIKE TO REFER TO AS REALITY.  
CG: OR MAYBE NOT.  
CG: DOUCHEWAFFLE.  
CG: ...MAYBE NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO OPEN THAT MEMO TEREZI WANTED.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ghastlyTrickster [GT] \--

**==== >Jothan: Break out of here**

Karkat is still trying to type even after you blocked him, but you don't care what he has to say. You shove Casey into your sylladex, pick up your hammer, and smash it into the door.

It crumples, tears free from the bolts and hinges, and flies across the hallway to rebound off the wall with a clank and clatter so loud you're briefly worried Equius might have heard the noise all the way down at the bottom of the canyon.

You didn't mean to hit quite that hard, but anger is a powerful thing!

Equius's hive is a lot more logically organized than Vriska's. Hers is like a maze full of blind corridors, wrong turns, pit traps, secret tunnels, and hidden treasure rooms. Equius's is basically a three-dimensional grid with stairways and elevators at regular intervals. He is such a stick-in-the-mud! The only interesting parts are his horrible art posters and the heaps of broken stuff lying all over the place where his STRENGTH or his temper got away from him. You easily leap over those as you run up toward the surface, glancing into rooms as you pass in search of a quick way to cross the canyon. It's a little too wide to jump, so you need an engine or a rope or something. Luckily Equius has a lot of useful somethings lying around.

You find a spool of ridiculously thin rope lying next to rows of titanium poles with notches in the ends -- looks like Equius is still trying to build a bow than can stand up to him. If he thinks the rope might work for his archery fetish, it should hold your weight with no problem. You tie it onto the end of a crowbar (very useful for opening treasure chests and also breaking into empty hives to scavenge after their residents have been culled), hurry over to a window, and hurl the makeshift grappling hook across the gap.

It takes eight tries, but you finally get the crowbar to break through one of Vriska's windows and catch firmly on the edge. It may not hold forever, but you only need a few seconds, just long enough to swing into one of the holes in the cliff that act like windows for the endless staircase down to spidermom's web. Preferably feet first this time! Passing out twice in the same night is not recommended, and also the stairs are pretty narrow. You wouldn't want to fall off them.

Then you can find Vriska and see for yourself that Jarlia's and Karkat's scaremongering is stupid nonsense. Vriska is a good person! There is no way she'd kill Aradia (or use Sollux to do it, that's just icky). You will prove that to your friends, you will persuade Aradia to call off her ghosts, and this night's mess will be nothing more than a stupid mistake you all look back on and laugh about.

You are completely sure of this.

You take a deep breath and jump into the void.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 will be in Vriska's POV, picking up shortly before Jothan trolls her. It will be the climax of this plot arc. Chapter 8 will be a number of short scenes dealing with various characters' reactions in the aftermath.


	7. Vriska

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art in this chapter is made entirely of construction paper, because why not? :-)

**==== >Be the villain in her lair**

As you wish!

You are MEENAH PEIXES, though anemonebody who knew your wiggling name is long since dead. These sweeps you prefer to go by HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION, or simply the CONDESCE for everynight use. You are currently en route to a nondescript star in a nondescript cluster, around which orbit a number of nondescript planets, one of which moray be the source of some nondescript radio chatter your sensor ships have sifted from the background garble of the universe. Your ship is the fastest in the fleet, so it makes perfect logistical sense for you to poke at the potential aliens yourself rather than sending any scouts to perform a task as delicate as first conchtact.

(The fact that you have been bored out of your mind for millennia has absolutely nofin to do with the way fleet assignments are arranged. Anemoneone suggesting otherwise will be culled.)

The brief frisson of meeting aliens has begun to pall lately, though. They're all unique and bizarre, shore, but after a whale even weird gets old. The past hundred sweeps you've started to toy with the idea of enslaving a few planets rather than scouring them clean. All aliens are bottom-feeding filth, but if nothing else watching your subjects' reactions to the infestation might provide a generation or two of amusement value. And you can always change your mind and krill the aliens later, shoald they start getting ideas above their place.

Right now you are alone in the watery dimness of the bridge, the three viewscreens acting like windows that show everything there is to sea around your ship. Which is basically nofin, just black, black, and more black, lightly tinted with the ugly mustard-yellow shimmer of your Helmsman's psionics. He's the best bit of chum you ever snatched from the tides of history, but damn, couldn't he think in a nicer color?

Oh well, can't have everyfin.

You lean back in your throne, close your eyes, and send a questing tentacle of thought back down the psychic current toward Alternia to check on your pet. She was all kinds of restless a few perigees ago, little bubbles of unease floating along the link to pop and fizz on the edges of your mind when you were in the middle of important (if boring) fins like putting the fear of you back into your admirals and generals for another sweep. But it looks like your current Heiress (read: fancy-blooded chump) managed to clam her down. Or maybe it was nofin in the first plaice, just indigestion or somefin equally stupid.

When you got the Magician to salmon a Horrorterror, that bitch never told you how much _work_ it would be to keep the damn thing in line. And when you complained, she just fucking laughed, all halfway to drunk on those weird-bass alchemical brews she mixed and said, "Not like eldritch squid come pre-housebroken, is it? I mean, what'd you expect, Meens? You wanted psychic death, you got it. If you don't wanna end up with us the only trolls left on the whole damn planet, you're the one who gets to tell the stupid wiggler to shoosh."

So you shooshed the squid. It was beyond embarrassing, but whatever, no one was there to sea and you have a giant psychic death ray to turn on anemonebody who so much as insinuates in that general direction. And okay, you kind of like the damn monster -- it's the one fin in the whale universe that's never tried to betray you -- but again, giant psychic death ray if the topic is ever breached.

You don't know why you're even thinking about this shit. It's been thousands of sweeps and you can't live in the past. Time is a current and you're a shark; gotta keep swimming or you die.

You sigh a careless string of bubbles and swim for the airlock. Might as well sea if you can prod your Helmsman into sailing a little faster.

**==== >Be the other villain**

Sweeps in the past (but not many), you are KURLOZ MAKARA, though anyone outside your quadrants who calls you that instead of the GRAND HIGHBLOOD is going to get turned into artwork real damn quick: their blood to decorate your walls, their bones to build your furniture, their meat to whip the birds on your roof into swirling, patterned madness. Except right now you'd probably have to settle for just bashing in skulls and moving on, infuriating as that is to admit.

You may hate and despise the bitch seaqueen, but she runs a tight ship and lets you and the rest of the Circus get on with proselytizing to the heathen masses. All she asks in return is that you keep things to a dull roar and make sure the fleet conscription rates stay high.

What you are dealing with now is practically a planet-wide shriek.

What the hell is that motherfucking mutant flitterbug thinking, trying to upend the whole damn social order? There's no way in hell he can win. Even if he grabs the spaceports and gets enough of a fleet to defend the planet from orbit, the second the seabitch gets back into range, she'll drop the fucking hammer. She's got a dozen matriorbs squirreled away on that pointy scream-red ship of hers, with a dozen jadeblood custodians spending their lives in chains just in case. All she needs to do is wish, and the fucking dayspawn in the deep does its fucking thing and that's it, curtains for all, take your bows and die screaming.

It'll be artistic, sure -- that much blood boiling out of that many bodies can't be anything _but_ an aesthetic dream -- but you're not much in the mood for dying right now.

You lever your club from the wreckage that used to be a troll and continue on your way to the traffic control tower of the Sandedge spaceport. You are going to paint yourself a messiahs-be-damned silhouette against the sky and motheringfucking dare that winged asshole to come take you out.

He has a dragon? Good for him. You are what gives dragons _daymares_.

You open your mind and wait for your prey to take the bait.

**==== >Be the villain who is actually relevant to the plot**

Sweeps in the past (but not many) you are ARANEA SERKET, though you neither cared for nor made much use of that name even as a wiggler. MARQUISE SPINNERET MINDFANG is simply more interesting, not to mention more likely to make the common rabble pay attention to you for the right reasons -- those being healthy fear and respect, rather than a careless assumption that as a scion of a line noted for empaths and healers you will be a weak-willed victim like all your genetic cousins in history to date.

You are nobody's victim.

There is no point in letting other people's emotions _touch_ you, not when it's so much easier to touch them first. If you manage the manipulation well, you scarcely even need to bother with blatant displays of power. Subtle nudges until the fools who think to use you come to honestly want whatever you decide they should want are much more amusing, not to mention often effective even on those who can resist your outright control.

Occasionally, however, it's pleasant to dispense with subtlety and any pretense of concern and let the trolls in your grip know exactly how little control they have over their lives now that you have taken an interest.

"There will be no mutiny on my ship," you say as you pace in an ever-tightening circle around the pathetic band of saboteurs, cocooned in rope and held firmly in the pincers of your mind. "But do tell me about this so-called Sufferer and his outlawed ideology. Anything that can persuade such fearful wreckage as yourselves to dream of defying the natural order of the hemospectrum might even amuse me enough to cut your bonds before tossing you into the sea."

Lightning flashes through the clouds that conceal the tyrian light of the moon, glinting off the teeth of the sharks that circle your ship, drawn by the rich tang of blood that spilled into the waves before you put the attempted uprising down.

"You know _nothing_ about the true nature of the hemospectrum, and you aren't worthy to speak His Holy Name!" one of the mutineers cries.

You smile. You tighten your mind around his. You snap your fingers.

"Then enlighten me," you say, while the loyal members of your crew drag the other refuse to the rail and heave the screaming corpses overboard.

**==== >Stop misinterpreting the commands!**

What, you don't appreciate all this useful exposition? I'm hurt. Truly and deeply hurt.

But I suppose I'll forgive you...

...presuming you manage to give an unambiguous command to start the next section.

Do we have a deal? 

**==== >Be the spidertroll haunted by ghosts**

...

...

Okay, fine, that's good enough. I won't waste time arguing about literal versus metaphorical definitions of ghosts, or even what an actual spider-troll hybrid might look like. You want Vriska? You got it.

**==== >Sweeps in the future (but hours in the past)**

You are VRISKA SERKET: Scourge Sister, reigning supreme Flarp champion, adventurer, treasure hunter, mistress of manipulation, and descendant of Marquise Spinneret Mindfang, the most awesome pirate in the history of the universe.

You are also starting to really, truly, sincerely wish that you had never been hatched. Even if you _had_ to come into this world, you wish that past you had somehow had the foresight to steal some other troll's identity if this is what being Vriska Serket leads to.

A ghost drifts through your chest, trailing the burning, fetid stains of platonic loathing on intangible tendrils. Your mind is like a flooded hive, the filthy water rising higher with each incursion until finally you'll be left clinging to a tiny scrap of roof and then drowned altogether. You can feel exactly what they think of you, the way you always can.

Wretched. Scum. Worthless piece of shit.

Except you can't transmute that to the clean snap of fear the way you can with the living. The dead don't even have the sense to fear Megido and she could make them dance a jig for all eternity if she wanted. The dead do nothing but hate, platonically. Cold. Disdainful. Implacable.

They are wearing you away.

**==== >Fight them**

How? You can't hurt the dead. Their hate hurts you but yours only makes them stronger. Maybe if you could find and hold a happy thought that might act as a shield, but you don't have any happy thoughts. Every time you've tried, the ghosts twist the memory until it goes sour and rotten in your grasp.

Every victory, every game, every joke shared between friends -- all tainted.

Your friends don't really like you anyway. You know that. You can feel it in their minds, underneath the surface. Some of them want to solve you. Some of them want to use you. Some of them are afraid of you. Some of them want to fix you. Some of them just pretend to put up with you because of their real friends.

The only person who's on your side is Jothan, and deep down you know that's because he doesn't actually see _you_. He just sees the face you show the world, the fake Vriska who's everything you want to be but aren't. Brave. Cool. Smart. Funny. Helpful. Trustworthy. Respected. _Loved_.

Nobody could love the real you.

Not even your own lusus.

Another ghost drifts through your body where you sit curled in your chair, face tucked between your knees and arms wrapped around your shins as if you could hide yourself in a protective cocoon by sheer force of desperate need. You see glimpses of your face cast in darkness, only your fangs and horns flashing in the sinister red glow of your focusing lens, and you feel _terror-pain-shame-guilt-terror-horror-hatred-pain-pain-pain-pain-hate-fear-hate-fear-HATE_ pound at your brain as the ghost forces its last living memories into your brain.

"I'm sorry!" you whisper into the tiny, dark cave between your forehead and your knees. It does no good; the dead can't hear you. They wouldn't care about your excuses anyway, even if they believed your words. You don't think you believe them anymore either.

You would give anything to make this stop.

**==== >Anything?**

_Anything_.

A noise breaks the suffocating silence of your hive. You flinch in anticipation of renewed torment before you remember that ghosts can't talk. Oh _shit_ , that means somebody came to visit. Nobody can see you like this!

You look around wildly, wondering when your hive got so filthy -- really, how have you never noticed the spider webs in the corners and the broken crap all over the floor? -- before the noise comes again and you realize it's your computer signaling that someone is trying to contact you on Trollian.

**==== >Answer your friend**

You don't want to talk to anyone. But the ghosts have drawn slightly away from your computer, apparently confused by the chime of the chat window opening, so you might as well roll your chair closer and at least see who's trolling you.

Oh. It's Jothan.

You're not sure if that's a relief or a disappointment. Of course Jothan wants to hang out with you -- you're his best friend. Except maybe for Karkat, and Gamzee, and Davven, and Jarlia, and... god damn it, how does he have so many more friends than you do? It's not fair!

A ghost swirls toward you as you raise your head. You duck and stare harder at your computer screen.

But you don't want Jothan to talk to you. Jothan always takes your side, so his support doesn't mean anything.

You want Aradia to say she's sorry and she's calling off the ghosts. You want Terezi to admit she has no stupid moral high ground and was just as guilty in your Flarp campaigns as you were -- it's not like she couldn't have chosen her own victims if she was that picky, right? You want Tavros to say he understands why you got so mad and to just once in his stupid life _take a stand_ and not be a giant wuss! (You want him to say he forgives you.)

Your computer chimes again.

Ha. Jothan's pulling out all the stops now, repeating himself in eights all over the place. You still don't want to talk, but he's ridiculously persistent. If you don't say something, he'll just come over to your hive and that will be even worse.

The ghosts are drawing closer again, no longer repelled by the sound of your computer. You have to work fast, whatever you decide.

**==== >Convince Jothan to leave you alone**

You answer Jothan and proceed to have a conversation we've already witnessed.

**==== >Vriska: Fix this**

You need the ghosts to go away. If killing Aradia is the only way to do that, fine! Jarlia already saw you doing that, so it's not like you can _help_ killing her, right? Isn't that what Davven had a huge fight with little miss dreamwalker about last perigee? Right! So it's obviously not your fault, and everyone thinks you're a horrible person anyway, so you know what? Fuck them! If they want you to be evil, you'll show them evil! You'll show them how much you've been holding back and how thoughtful and nice you've really been all these sweeps, and then they'll be sorry they never liked you!

And the ghosts will be gone and you can find new friends who won't talk about you behind your back and everything will be _fine_.

You know exactly how to start. First you need your secret advantage, which is down in one of your treasure stashes. You've been experimenting this past sweep, and you think you've finally found the trick to using it without giving yourself migraines trying to see into its depths and then work out the cryptic bullshit answers. Then you just need to grab control of Sollux. Megido's not the only one who can hit people where it hurts the worst.

As you storm through the endless secret passageways of your hive, a ghost trails its hands through your head, ragged intangible fingers tangling in your horns and hair as it dumps burning cold hatred into your mind.

You don't even notice.

**==== >Get this party started**

Wow, that's a pretty fucked up definition of a party, even for you! You have no idea why you just had that thought.

But the sooner you get started, the sooner you get rid of the ghosts for good, so whatever. You grab your secret advantage from its clever hiding place (...okay, you grab it from next to your rocket boots, which are next to a giant, blinding pile of treasure, which is not exactly the stealthiest concealment ever; shut up about it, you've been kind of distracted lately!) and abscond back upstairs to your computer.

**==== >Admire your secret advantage**

What's to admire? Yeah, it's awesome and all, but as treasure goes, it's pretty damn ugly. No sparkle or glitter here, just black, black, blaaaaaaaack, like a Magic 8 ball without any window or water inside. You swear sometimes you've seen tiny, space-warping tendrils of shadow waving from the surface of the sphere when you look at it out of the corner of your boring eye, like it's trying to hatch out one of Alonde's interdimensional sushi pets.

Appearances can be deceiving, though -- on the inside, this baby is made of nothing but 24 carat golden possibilities.

**==== >Open a possibility**

You cradle the black sphere in your hands, clawtips resting ever-so-gently against its smooth, frictionless surface. You bring it up in front of your face. You breathe on it -- the warm, moist air doesn't fog the chilly not-glass for so much as a second.

Then you focus your eyes.

Most of the time your vision eightfold doesn't make any practical difference in your life. So you have seven pupils in your left eye. So what! They all let light in to hit the same retina, and even if the inside of that eye is a little bigger than normal, it's not like it works any differently from any other troll's body. You see the same wavelengths in the same proportions -- maybe in a little more detail, maybe a little more 3D, but that's nothing to brag about.

The difference is in your brain.

It's pretty rare for trolls as high as you on the hemospectrum to have psychic powers at all. So you're already totally cool and special just for having some stupid old sixth sense at all... and then, because you're awesome, you take it that last step further. You're not sure exactly how it works (and frankly you don't care, because science is for losers who aren't awesome enough to get actual shit done), but if you concentrate in exactly the right way, you can sort of meld your powers with your eye and _see into things_.

Even things that may not technically exist under the same set of physical laws as the rest of the universe. And without having to deal with any of that gibberish Alonde's always spouting. Shortcuts are the best things ever.

**==== >Shortcuts to what, exactly?**

Something vast and zoologically improbable swims into your mind's eye.

**==== >Ask**

 _Hey you, with the tentacles_ , you think, and start lining up questions in your mind. There are so many things you need to ask about. If there's a way to destroy the ghosts. How to fix things so your friends understand none of this is your fault. What the denizens of the Furthest Ring have seen happen (and not-happen, and unhappen, and maybe-happen, and every other shade of possibility) this night, because if something's fated to go a certain way, why not learn the shape of the board ahead of time so you can make fate move because of _you?_ Nothing in your life ever goes the way you plan, and the harder you try to put things right the worse they get and you are _so tired_ of running to keep up with all the irons you have in the fire.

This time you are going to get some straight answers, or else!

The thing in the abyss turns its attention toward you. It's nothing as concrete as a change in physical orientation or even an opening eye -- just a feeling of crushing weight and pressure surrounding you like a bubble, held in abeyance solely by the horrorterror's choice.

You aren't scared. You know the monsters won't kill you. Not yet, anyway. They've said so themselves. There's something in the future they've seen you doing -- good, bad, who knows, who cares! -- and they don't want to make that unhappen.

Besides, you're a monster too, aren't you? What kind of monster is scared of her own sisters?

**==== >Ask**

You gather your will and--

  
_CONTACT_

  
_ENQUIRY_

  
_NEED_

The concepts impose themselves on your brain like glyphs laser-carved a meter deep into solid stone, smoking slightly around the edges.

**==== >Ask already!**

The billion questions that were flitting through your brain a minute ago have fled under the weight of that dark regard. You have a nasty, squirming, sneaking suspicion that half the reason Alonde does her rituals is to train her mind to deal with this kind of shit, but fuck that. You don't need those stupid crutches. You can focus through will alone!

You can. You can and you will.

(You think the abyss is laughing at you.)

Something pings at the edge of your attention, cracking the fragile blade of your focus. In the corner of your eye, you see a new chat window open on your computer screen. The text is puerile green, like the shreds of dried sopor that cling to the corners of the eye as you wake from half-remembered dreams.

Jarlia Agaion.

This is all her fault! Her and her stupid dreams -- where was she when Tavros fell, huh? Where was she when Aradia sent her ghosts? What is she good for anyway?

Well you'll show her! You're going to take her worst nightmare and make it come true no matter how hard she tries to stop you.

You just wish you could see her face when everything comes crashing down.

**==== >Receive answer**

  
_ASSENT_

**==== >Wait, what?**

You don't remember sitting down in front of your computer or setting your secret advantage on your desk, but apparently you did those things because that's where you are and that's where it is.

It also seems to be smoking -- black tendrils writhe and rise like steam and a vague purple glow gathers at one point like a dying star. You stare suspiciously, but even when you use your vision eightfold nothing changes. It's just being ominous for the hell of it.

Stupid alien god squid. What's the use of a magic ball if it doesn't work half the time?

Your computer chimes again and you scowl down at the screen.

**==== >Answer**

You've got a couple hours before dawn and Sollux flies fast. There's no need to send him after Aradia just yet. You can take some time to rub Jarlia's face in her mistakes.

As you click on the chat window, brilliant white-green light flashes in the corner of your eye.

When you look up, your secret advantage is projecting the interior of Jarlia's hive onto your wall, more like a window than a camera image -- you can't see your posters behind the image and you'd almost swear you could step right through solid stone to show the other girl which one of you can _really_ change the future.

You blink. Then you smile.

Now _this_ could be _fun_.

**==== >Vriska: Converse**

\-- gleefulGorgon [GG] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

GG: attention vriska serket!  
GG: ive tried everything else under the stars and ive run out of options  
GG: so now im going to try something completely nuts and ask you directly  
GG: PLEASE DONT KILL ARADIA  
GG: aside from it being a douche move, it will doom our entire future!!!!!!  
GG: even you cant be a big enough dumbass to want that  
GG: right?   
AG: Attention Jarlia Agaion!  
AG: I'm so flattered to know you have such a high opinion of me.   
GG: the tip top highest, you know it!  
GG: we are nothing but smiles and rainbows and hugs up in here  
GG: that is the actual literal truth and in no way an expression of frustrated sarcasm  
GG: :)   
AG: Wow, what a 8urn. Not!  
AG: 8esides, what makes you think I care a8out saving the future?  
AG: Some things can't 8e changed.  
AG: If we're all doomed anyway, why shouldn't I 8e the one to set the 8oard in motion!   
GG: oh i dont know, maybe because THE FUTURE CAN BE CHANGED??????   
AG: Can it? How sure are you?  
AG: Have you ever had the same vision twice to prove that your actions made any difference?  
AG: Don't you narrow your eyes at me.  
AG: It's an honest question!   
GG: since when do you take a leaf out of davvens book?  
GG: i know what i know, and i pick my intervention points very carefully!  
GG: there are shatterpoints in time and if you push them, everything changes!  
GG: maybe i cant be sure what shape the change will take  
GG: but i am definitely making a positive difference  
GG: which is more than i can say for you!   
AG: Flipping off your computer just makes you look like a giant dork.   
GG: ......  
GG: youre trying to make me think youre in my head arent you  
GG: its not going to work, i know you cant control me   
AG: Can't I? May8e I've just 8een pretending all this time.  
AG: May8e all the times you laughed at me for my 'pathetic scra88ling' at the edges of your mind were only a ploy to lull you into false security.  
AG: May8e I can even invade your dreams.  
AG: Ahahahahahahahaha!  
AG: 8ad 8ark8east, don't throw your computer across the 8lock!  
AG: That won't solve any of your pro8lems.   
GG: it solved the problem of me needing to break something  
GG: preferably something in your color, like a bunch of your stupid words in your stupid quirk all over my screen  
GG: and i have tons of computers so its not like i destroyed anything irreplaceable!  
GG: not like you did when you broke tavros  
GG: :)   
AG: Nothing irreplaceable?  
AG: What a8out your peace of mind? :::;)   
GG: way to dodge the subject!  
GG: i dont know how you can see what im doing but im pretty sure thats all you can do  
GG: see  
GG: not control  
GG: not even manipulate, because i am on to you and your pathetic little tricks  
GG: youre not anywhere near terezis or alondes league  
GG: youre not even in karkats league!   
AG: Since when has Karkat Vantas known jack shit a8out getting people to do what he wants????????   
GG: exactly! :)   
AG: Oooh, sick 8urn.  
AG: You've got guts. I'll grant you that.  
AG: Why the hell couldn't you teach Tavros how to show some spine instead of telling him it was ok to a8scond all the time?   
GG: why the hell couldnt you just get off his back and let him be himself instead of trying to turn him into a little vriska shaped puppet??????  
GG: but no  
GG: we are not talking about you and tavros now  
GG: we are talking about you and aradia and sollux  
GG: im not letting you do that thing where you turn every conversation around and make yourself look like the victim and everyone else look like the bad guys   
AG: Wow, how 8lind can you 8e?  
AG: I am the victim!  
AG: What did I ever do to Megido, huh?  
AG: She had no right to set her ghosts on me and I have every right to fight 8ack.   
GG: you hurt her friend very badly for no reason  
GG: and then you acted like it was his fault!  
GG: thats what you did!  
GG: now youre just digging yourself deeper and trying to doom us all  
GG: or did you forget that part already?   
AG: Oh sure, I know how this tune goes.  
AG: Everything is Vriska's fault! Not just our dum8 little pro8lems here and now, 8ut anything that ever went wrong in all of history!  
AG: All the pro8lems. All of them!!!!!!!!  
AG: If I'll get 8lamed for everything anyw8y, I might as well 8e responsi8le for as much as I can.  
AG: I'll take your lies and m8ke them true!   
GG: that is not what i said and you know it  
GG: you can change the subject and insult me all you want, but i wont stop trolling you until you agree not to do anything terrible and stupid tonight   
AG: That's all? Fine. I agree.   
GG: ......  
GG: ............  
GG: ..................  
GG: um  
GG: good?   
AG: I agree not to let Aradia keep tormenting me for no reason, 8ecause that would 8e a8solutely the most terri8le thing I can imagine!  
AG: I agree not to 8uckle under pressure and do what other people want instead of what I know is right, 8ecause that would also 8e terri8le!  
AG: And I agree to 8lock you so you can't distract me and make me lose track of time, 8ecause that would 8e incredi8ly stupid.  
AG: Sucker!!!!!!!!

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] has blocked gleefulGorgon [GG] \--

**==== >Observe**

Jarlia's projected image keeps typing furiously on the handheld pad she yanked out of her sylladex to replace her ruined desktop, but Trollian conveniently dumps her words into a junk file for you to read or delete later at your leisure. No more chimes and irritating green text clog up your screen or your mind.

You check the time in the bottom corner of your screen and scowl. If Jarlia was telling the truth about trolling you as a last resort, that means she's probably told a bunch of your other mutual acquaintances. There's nothing any of them can do to stop you, of course, but why take the chance? The sooner you start, the sooner you finish.

You raise your hands to your temples and close your eyes, focusing on Sollux and his strange half-permeable, half-impenetrable mind.

Your computer chimes again.

Argh!

**==== >Answer**

\-- tentacleTormentrix [TT] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

TT: -> I've opened a memo. <-  
TT: -> You will join it. <-   
AG: Oh yeah? What's in it for me?   
TT: -> The satisfaction of your curiosity. Nothing more, nothing less. <-  
TT: -> I'm certain you could carry on quite swimmingly without the knowledge I am prepared to impart,  
TT: -> but I'm equally certain you won't want to. <-  
TT: =:)  
TT: -> Au revoir, my fellow Seeker in the Abyss. <-

\-- tentacleTormentrix [TT] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

AG: 8itch, come 8ack and say th8t to my f8ce!  
AG: ........  
AG: Shit.

**==== >Now what?**

You are not going to join the stupid memo. You are not going to join the stupid memo. You are not going to join the--

Oh, who are you kidding, of course you're going to join the memo.

But first you take a minute to glare at your secret advantage. Being able to spy on Jarlia wasn't as useful as you'd hoped, but maybe spying on Alonde will have better results. If nothing else, you might get some tips on how to deal with the horrorterrors in the future. Alonde may go on and on and _on_ about research and training and mental preparation -- you have never met a troll who likes the sound of her own voice as much as that seawitch! -- but you know it's all a cover for the shortcuts she doesn't want anyone to find out.

You are the empress of shortcuts, and not a single one will escape your sight. None of them!

Obligingly, the projected scene splits in two: one fake window onto Jarlia batting at a thorny vine with her computer pad, and another fake window onto Alonde sitting on one of her hive's ridiculous number of balconies, spray kicking up off the coral reef and dampening her pitch-black skirt. It's a very dramatic image -- the lonely seadweller in her dark tower, straight out of those awful gothic novels Kanaya pretends she doesn't read. You bet fussyfangs would drool. (You bet Alonde knows that, too.)

You bite your lip. If Alonde's outside, you won't be able to get much spying done, which makes this memo a total waste of time. And you don't have all the time in the world.

Just as you're about to close your eyes and get back to concentrating on Sollux, Alonde looks up from her own handheld computer pad. Impossibly, despite the miles and magic, her eyes meet yours.

She holds up her pad to show you the waiting memo, and smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is pretty much set -- plot constraints are still a thing, even in a story I am trying to crowd-source as much as possible. Sorry about that! (I am also sorry for the hiatus. Life happens at the best of us, and I have never claimed to be a fast writer to start with. *sigh*)


	8. Equius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick plot overview, since it's been a while since chapter 7! Jarlia (aka Troll Jade Harley) had a dream that Vriska was going to kill Aradia, which turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy when she tried to stop the foreseen events. A lot of generally unproductive chats and inadvisible memos ensued among various characters (plus a look at what Aradia's been up to and why she's AFK). When we left off, Jarlia and Alonde (aka Troll Rose Lalonde) had just roped Vriska into yet another inadvisible memo in a last-ditch attempt to change her mind.
> 
> This chapter's bad illustration was created using Crayola washable kids' paint and Q-tips for brushes, because I forgot to buy a real brush when I bought the paint set, whoops. Turns out Q-tips are actually pretty fun. :-)

**==== >Respond to inadvisable memo**

CURRENT tentacleTormentrix [CTT] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board DOWN IN THE DEEP.

CTT: -> The purpose of this memo is to explain precisely how and why certain courses of action are undesirable in the extreme  
CTT: -> or in other words, why killing Aradia is equivalent to the pathetic wailing of a spoiled wiggler throwing a tantrum because she stubbed her toe  
CTT: -> and in the process hurling herself off a cliff while her eyes are squeezed shut in a melodramatic grimace. <-  
CURRENT gleefulGorgon [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGG: wow, harsh!  
CTT: -> But true. <-  
CTT: <\- Or do you dispute my analysis? ->  
CGG: nope!  
CGG: i just wouldve put it more like  
CGG: this is a memo where we try to persuade vriska not to shoot herself in the foot the way she always does  
CGG: not because we care if she hurts herself  
CGG: or at least i dont care, maybe you do, everyone can have her own opinion!  
CGG: but she does the shooting with a fucking satellite-to-ground laser and that means scorched earth for everyone!  
CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAG: If this is going to 8e another "Let's all shit on Vriska Serket!" session, I'm gone.  
CAG: I have 8etter things to do with my time.  
CTT: -> I'm inclined to doubt that. <-  
CTT: -> But as you said, we're not here to exchange insults. <-  
CTT: -> We have higher purposes in mind tonight. <-  
CAG: Suuuuuuuure we do.  
CGG: vriska shut your moaning voicepipe and listen  
CGG: and alonde, get to the fucking point  
CGG: we dont have time for either of your melodrama!  
CGG: i know that if aradia dies tonight, everything goes straight to shit, but i dont know WHY  
CGG: my dreams werent clear on that point and i dont have any recordings to analyze because of CERTAIN PEOPLE who shall remain nameless  
CGG: grrrrrr!!!!!!  
CAG: 8luh 8luh, here we go, 8ack to your dum8 hatecrush.  
CAG: Now who's wasting time with melodrama?  
CGG: lalalalalala i am ignooooooring youuuuuu  
CAG: No you're not, you're flipping off your computer again.  
CAG: Do I detect a hint of frustration?  
CAG: ::::)  
CGG: go stand in a window and fondle your bulge while equius watches  
CGG: platonically  
CAG: In your dreams!  
CGG: yes lets talk about my dreams!  
CGG: the point is i dont have any video recordings to show as proof that you could actually fuck up the whole world, but i promise you this is important!  
CGG: alonde, you explain why  
CGG: i know you know, you always know everything  
CGG: heres your chance to rub our snouts in your creepy genius  
CTT: -> Alas, I must confess that your opinion of my omniscience is, in this one case, higher than warranted by reality. <-  
CTT: -> I may have suspicions about Aradia's vital role in the future of our planet and species, but they are merely suspicions. <-  
CTT: -> Perhaps not even worth the dignity of that name. <-  
CTT: -> Mere embryonic traces of the evolutionary antecedents of suspicions. <-  
CTT: -> Ghosts of an inkling of a hunch, if you will <-  
CAG: And what if I won't, huh?  
CAG: What if this is all just a 8unch of dum8 flap8east droppings?  
CGG: but what if it isnt?  
CGG: if youre really dead set on killing aradia, you can do that any old time!  
CGG: what would it hurt to hold off and try talking to her first?  
CAG: Don't you try sweet-talking me!  
CAG: We 8oth know you're not pale for any8ody in this memo.  
CAG: 8esides, shooshing doesn't work very well when you're making 8itch faces at your screen.  
CAG: Oops, did you forget that I can see you?  
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGA: Hello Alonde  
CGA: I Have Been Trying To Troll You But I Think Either You Have Me Blocked Or I Am Doing Something Wrong  
CGA: I Noticed This Memo And Thought I Would See If I Could Access It Instead  
CGA: It Seems I Can  
CGG: um, hi kanaya!  
CGA: Hello Jarlia  
CGA: And Vriska Is Here As Well I See  
CGA: Have I Interrupted A Private Conversation  
CTT: -> The inherently insecure nature of memos is their one downside, I admit. <-  
CTT: -> But no, this conversation is quite public. <-  
CAG: Of course it is, 8ecause it's always fun to turn on hatefriends as pu8lically as possi8le, isn't it?  
CAG: I knew you were all in cahoots!  
CAG: You're all on Aradia's side, trying to 8reak me! 8ut I won't 8e 8roken!  
CAG: I'll show you!  
CGA: I Feel Like I Have Started Watching A Film Halfway Through And Have No Idea Of The Plot  
CGA: Does This Have Something To Do With Flarping  
CGG: yes!  
CAG: No!  
CTT: -> Yes and no. <-  
CTT: -> Apparently Aradia took vengeance on Tavros's behalf by sending ghosts to make Vriska repent.  
CTT: -> As most of us could have predicted, this failed to work and now Vriska is seeking revenge in her turn. <-  
CGA: I See  
CGA: In What Way Is That A Problem That Requires Outside Intervention  
CAG: It isn't and it doesn't. They're all out to get me!  
CGG: we are not out to get you, you blithering paranoiac  
CGG: we just dont want aradia to die!  
CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCC: )(i, Alonde!  
CGA: Vriska Is This True Do You Intend To Kill Aradia  
CCC: S)(orey to barge in, you guys, but I reelly need to talk to my as)(mate and s)(e's not answering me w)(en I troll )(er. >38(  
CCC: Alonde )(ekata, W)(AT in t)(e glubbing name of your Ancestor )(ave you done to -Eridan?  
CAG: Yes I do intend to kill Aradia Megido.  
CTT: -> Nothing permanent, I promise. <-  
CAG: It's only fair. She tried to kill me first.  
CTT: <\- Has he been blubbering at you? ->  
CCC: Wait, w)(at t)(e s)(ell?  
CGG: hi feferi!  
CCC: Forget -Eridan, WAT-ER IS GOING ON )(--ER--E?  
CGG: long story short, vriskas going to use sollux to kill aradia  
CGG: because aradia made some ghosts haunt vriska  
CGG: because vriska broke tavros by jumping him off a cliff  
CGG: and if aradia dies were all doomed  
CAG: You say that like 8eing haunted is no 8ig deal.  
CGG: and vriska is being a huge bitch and wont listen to us and LET IT FUCKING GO!!!!!!  
CAG: Have you ever 8een haunted?  
CAG: Have you ever had ghosts pouring h8 and fear into your mind for nights on end and you can't get aw8y and you can't m8ke them leave and they never sleep and even sopor can't keep them out?  
CAG: H8VE YOU????????  
CGA: I Dont Wish To Be Rude Or Dismiss Your Suffering But I Would Like To Clarify One Point  
CGA: Were These Ghosts Chosen At Random Or Do They Have Some Prior Connection To You  
CTT: -> This I can answer. <-  
CTT: -> Ghosts are self-sustaining imprints of psychic energy anchored to this frame of existence by the connections they felt in life. <-  
CGG: oh god not another lecture, get to the point already  
CTT: -> The point is that ghosts have limited energy. <-  
CTT: -> To maintain themselves on our plane requires energy. To actively "haunt" a person or place likewise requires energy. <-  
CTT: -> Therefore ghosts can only haunt people or places to which they have a pre-death tether, since that connection reduces the energy they must expend to maintain their existence and frees that excess for other purposes. <-  
CCC: T)(ese g)(osts must )(ave a very N-EGATIV-E conc)(nection to Vriska, or Aradia wouldn't )(ave c)(osen t)(em to take )(er R----EV-ENG-E!  
CAG: Fine, you win.  
CAG: I killed them. I admit it.  
CAG: Stop looking so disappointed, fussyfangs!  
CAG: They died in fair fights and they knew going in that Flarping was dangerous!  
CAG: 8esides, it's as much Terezi's fault as mine. We worked as partners. She was playing that night too!  
CAG: Why isn't anyone 8laming her?  
CGG: because it wasnt her idea and she obviously had nothing to do with it since you sent jothan to distract her along with aradia  
CGG: DUH  
CGG: theres this thing called logic, you might want to look into it :))))))  
CGA: Yes That Might Be A Good Idea  
CGA: From The Sound Of It I Think Not Killing Aradia Would Also Be The Most Sensible Course Of Action  
CAG: See, you're ALL in cahoots against me!  
CAG: I don't care how many times you deny it, this is proof. PROOF!!!!!!!!  
CGA: ...  
CGA: I Dont Think That Is How Logic Works  
CTT: <\- Ah, but Kanaya, don't you realize that anything but complete compliance with Vriska's current view of the world means that we are out to get her? ->  
CTT: -> There is no possible way that we could oppose her for her own good. <-  
CTT: -> That is simply unthinkable and therefore she cannot think it. <-  
CAG: 8utt out, you huge witch. No8ody asked you.  
CGG: i hate to agree with vriska but......  
CGG: alonde i really dont think youre helping!  
CCC: Yes, Alonde, s)(oos)(. Jarlia is rig)(t. But I know somet)(ing t)(at WILL kelp.  
CCC: W)(at Vriska and Aradia need is...  
CCC: AN AUSPISTIC---E! )(ee )(ee )(ee!  
CCC: Isn't it krilliant? 38)  
CTT: -> I believe this is where I facepalm. <-  
CGG: sounds like a plan, can i join you?  
CGA: Feferi If This Is A Passive Aggressive Way Of Suggesting That I Step In  
CGA: I Would Like To Remind You That Successful Auspisticism Tends To Require The Middle Leaf To Physically Intervene Between The Lower Leaves  
CTT: -> Despite my best efforts, Feferi has thus far failed to learn the techniques of passive-aggression from me. Alas. <-  
CGA: At Least In The Early Phases Of The Relationship  
CAG: If you're thinking of stepping in, you can step right 8ack out ag8n, fussyfangs!  
CGA: And For Obvious Reasons I Cant Do That In This Case  
CGA: Even If I Harbored Ashen Feelings For Both Trolls In Question  
CAG: You too, Feferi!  
CGA: Which I Dont  
CAG: I am not 8lack for Aradia. I just want to kill her. Pl8tonically.  
CAG: I have every right to kill her!  
CGG: maybe so but that doesnt make it right!  
CCC: Yea)(, w)(at s)(e said!  
CCC: )(ig)(bloods )(ave a respons)(ellbility to care for trolls beneat)( us in t)(e )(emospectrum, not to take advantage.  
CAG: Oh yeah?  
CAG: Fine, I'll take care of Aradia.  
CAG: I'll make sure she never has to worry a8out anything ever again.  
CAG: The end.  
CCC: T)(AT IS NOT W)(AT I GLUBBING M-EANT AT ALL! >38(  
CAG: It's not? My 8ad, so sorry!  
CAG: Except oh w8, I'm not.  
CAG: Now you know what it feels like to be misunderstood every time you open your mouth.  
CGA: Oh Dear Here We Go Again  
CAG: Yeah, here we go, w8sting more time.  
CAG: That's your secret plan, I 8et. You want to keep me trapped on this memo until one of your minions shows up to throw a wrench into my rightful revenge.  
CAG: 8ut I'm on to you!  
CTT: -> Oh no, she's found us out. <-  
CTT: -> The horror, the horror. <-  
CAG: You have nothing to say I haven't heard a million times already.  
CAG: Even Alonde's little "I know a secret" trick was just a 8luff.  
CAG: I'm outta here.  
CAG: See you later, after I win.  
CGG: no wait vriska!  
CAG ceased responding to memo.  
CGG: oh for fucks sake  
CGG: now what are we supposed to do?  
CTT: -> We hope that Karkat got through to Jothan, and/or that Terezi convinced Davven to intervene and Vriska will be unable to control him. <-  
CTT: <\- Speaking of which, does anybody know if she can? ->  
CGA: That Is A Very Good Question  
CGG: yes, yes it is  
CGG: ......  
CGG: ..................  
CCC: O)(, glub. Aradia is sunk, isn't s)(e?  
CTT: -> Quite possibly. <-  
CTT: => Dammit. <=  
CTT: ...  
CGA: I Understand  
CGA: We All Dislike Feeling Helpless  
CTT: -> Yes. <-  
CTT: -> On that note, I believe I will troll Nepeta and ask her to request her moirail's aid after all. <-  
CTT: -> Kanaya, if you wouldn't mind contacting Davven to see if Terezi has had any success on that front, that might set all our minds at ease. <-  
CTT: -> Insofar as ease is possible in this farcical tsunami of errors. <-  
CGG: no, ill troll nepeta  
CGG: shes my friend, not yours  
CCC: We're ALL friends )(ere, Jarlia. 38(  
CCC: But you're rig)(t. Alonde, you s)(oald work on salmoning one of your little baby )(orrorterror conc)(structs and sending it to kelp Aradia.  
CCC: Meanw)(ile I will deal wit)( -Eridan mys)(ellf and make sure )(e won't interrupt you.  
CTT: -> As I previously told Karkat, I highly doubt any of my squid will make a difference worth mentioning when set against a psionic of Sollux Captor's level. <-  
CTT: -> And before anyone suggests it, no, getting Tavros to control them remotely is not an option. <-  
CGA: Why Not  
CTT: -> The answer involves Gamzee Makara and pie. <-  
CGG: *facepalm x 2 combo*  
CTT: -> Precisely. <-  
CTT: -> Perhaps if I could find a way to reproduce Gl'bgolyb's voice on a local scale... <-  
CGG: no dont!!!!!!  
CGG: NO NO NO NO NO NO  
CGG: youd only kill him and aradia too and anyway what you need to study is how to COUNTER her voice  
CTT: <\- Is that prophecy? ->  
CGG: YES  
CGA: Your Cryptic Hints Sound Fascinating And I Would Like A More Detailed Explanation Somenight  
CGA: But Perhaps We Should Follow Vriskas Example In One Respect  
CGG: what??????  
CGA: And Stop Wasting Time On This Memo  
CCC: )(ee )(ee )(ee!  
CCC: Yes, let's s)(ip out!  
CCC: On t)(e count of one, two, T)(R-E-E...  
CCC ceased responding to memo.  
CGA: I Will Report Back Once I Have Contacted Or Failed To Contact Davven  
CGA ceased responding to memo.  
CGG: me too!  
CGG: only with nepeta not davven, bluh  
CGG: bye, alonde!  
CGG ceased responding to memo.  
CTT: -> Until later. And may luck favor us all. <-

**==== >Stop wasting time**

That's an excellent idea! However, you will need to be more specific. We haven't yet identified our POV character for this chapter. Who would you like to be?

**==== >Be Equius**

Okay! You are now Equius Zahhak. You are down at the floor of the chasm between your own hive and that of Vriska Serket, salvaging what you can of her latest unworkable doomsday device and Jothan Aeolio's rocketbike. You started as far from your neighbor's lusus as possible and are slowly working your way toward the enormous web and its permanent carrion reek.

**==== >Really?**

Yes, really and tr00ly.

**==== >In what universe does this count as anything other than a waste of time?**

In what universe does that count as a reasonable story command?

Here, have a chatlog and stop being a smartass.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

CG: HEY YOU.  
CG: DROP WHATEVER MINDLESS SCUTWORK YOU'RE DOING, GET TO VRISKA'S HIVE, AND SIT ON HER UNTIL SHE AGREES NOT TO KILL ARADIA.  
CG: DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.  
CG: JUST GO DO SOMETHING USEFUL FOR ONCE IN YOUR SORRY, SWEATY LIFE.   
CT: D --> No  
CT: D --> You will explain yourself immediately   
CG: IN WHAT WAY WAS I REMOTELY UNCLEAR?  
CG: VRISKA IS PLANNING TO KILL ARADIA.   
CT: D --> That cannot possibly be true   
CG: YOU'RE RIGHT, SORRY, MY MISTAKE.  
CG: SHE'S PROBABLY MOVED FROM PLAN TO ACTION BY NOW.  
CG: HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE A STARSHIP CLASS PSIONIC TO FLY FROM SOLLUX'S HIVE TO ARADIA'S?  
CG: THAT'S YOUR TIME LIMIT.  
CG: NOW GET OFF YOUR HIGH HOOFBEAST AND FOLLOW MY ORDERS.   
CT: D --> No   
CG: YES.   
CT: D --> No   
CG: YES.   
CT: D --> No   
CG: YES.   
CT: D --> No   
CG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.   
CT: D --> Your language is reprehensible   
CG: ASLDKNH[9P48IYADJFPIWH   
CT: D --> My answer is still no

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

**==== >...**

That is not a valid story command. Please try again.

**==== >Be Davven**

An excellent choice! You are now Davven Kronos (again). It is now daylight (again). You are talking to Terezi via Trollian (again). It is just mind-blowing how these patterns repeat themselves.

We will jump into your conversation in medias res, partly because a reproduction of the text in its entirety would take too much time to write (and draw, in the case of the accompanying shitty illustrations), and partly because, implausible as it may seem, I do occasionally pretend to have a sense of pacing.

TG: ( hahahaha, you said it )  
TG: ( what is even up with that shit )   
GC: 1T 1S H4RD TO S4Y, BUT 1 SUSP3CT TH3 4NSW3R 1S...  
GC: 4N OFF1C14L TOP S3RK3T S3CR3T, WHOOPS! >:]   
TG: ( oh damn foiled again )  
TG: ( welp )  
TG: ( guess theres nothing for it then )  
TG: ( i will venture bravely forth like a dumbass knight in no armor whatsoever )  
TG: ( because fuck armor do you know how expensive that shit is )  
TG: ( even the functional stuff not the decorative highblood crap )   
GC: Y3S 4ND TH4TS WHY 1 DONT US3 1T 31TH3R, DURR   
TG: ( and save aradia )  
TG: ( assuming she hasnt already saved herself )  
TG: ( i mean that girl plays flarp with you and serket and manages to win half the time even with nitram on her team that aint nobodys idea of a cakewalk )   
GC: TRU3! BUT NO ON3 C4N B3 STRONG FOR 4LL TH3 POSS1BL3 T1M3S 1N 4LL TH3 POSS1BL3 W4YS  
GC: TH4T WOULD JUST B3 STUP1D 4ND CR33PY  
GC: SO YOU W1LL S4V3 4R4D14 TON1GHT  
GC: 4ND SOM3 OTH3R N1GHT SH3 W1LL S4V3 YOU   
TG: ( yo its day where i live stop with the temporal imperialism )  
TG: ( think of the starving wigglers in the scarshreds )   
GC: BLUH, D4VV3N, BLUH  
GC: YOU KNOW 1 4M W33P1NG G3NU1N3 T34RS OF SYMP4TH3T1C D1STR3SS FOR 1M4G1N4RY TROLLS 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW  
GC: TH3 MOST 4BSOLUT3 G3NU1N3ST!  
GC: 1 SP3ND 4LL MY W4K1NG HOURS B31NG 4 BL33D1NG H34RT  
GC: 1T 1S SO UTT3RLY P4TH3T1C HOW COULD 4NY TROLL R3S1ST MY D14MOND LUR3?   
TG: ( dead easy )  
TG: ( whats the use of a partner who cant guard your back )  
TG: ( but seriously t-z how should we play this )  
TG: ( do i just blink in and grubnap megido or what )  
TG: ( captors a fuckin tac nuke masquerading as a troll )  
TG: ( what if serket just flies him over the ocean the wrong way round )  
TG: ( races the bleeding edge of sunset to my hive )  
TG: ( blows me and ghost girl up while were all cozy and getting our snooze on )  
TG: ( cue the wailing and gnashing of teeth )  
TG: ( do we have any plan for cutting this shit off at the source is what im sayin )   
GC: 1 DONT P3RSON4LLY, BUT YOU R3M3MB3R TH4T K4RK4T W4S GO1NG TO TROLL 4LOND3, R1GHT?  
GC: TH3YV3 PROB4BLY WORK3D SOM3TH1NG OUT  
GC: JUST DO YOUR P4RT 4ND G3T 4R4D14 OUT OF 1MM3D14T3 D4NG3R  
GC: 1 W1LL M4K3 SUR3 TH3 R3ST G3TS T4K3N C4R3 OF   
TG: ( oh em gee )  
TG: ( thats so reassuring wow i dont know why i was ever worried in the first place )   
GC: 4WW DONT YOU TRUST M3?   
TG: ( with my life )  
TG: ( but )  
TG: ( you know )  
TG: ( this is kinda bigger than just us )   
GC: Y34H  
GC: 1 KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T YOU M34N  
GC: N3V3R F34R, THOUGH! TH3 D3V4ST4T1NG L3G1SL4C3R4TOR PYROP3 1S ON TH3 C4S3  
GC: 1N GL4R3 OF D4Y OR D33P OF N1GHT, NO 3V1L SH4LL 3SC4P3 MY S1GHT!   
TG: ( big words )  
TG: ( show me the money )   
GC: 1 WOULDNT DR34M OF T3MPT1ING YOU TH4T W4Y, M1ST3R M4ST3RM1ND >:]  
GC: 1NST34D 1 W1LL TROLL K4RK4T TO T3LL H1M YOUR3 ON YOUR W4Y 4ND D1SCOV3R WH4T H3 4ND OUR OTH3R H4T3FR13NDS H4V3 PL4NN3D  
GC: 4ND GO ON FROM TH3R3 4S C1RCUMST4NC3S D1CT4T3  
GC: NOW QU1T ST4LL1NG 4ND GO S4V3 4R4D14 YOU DUMB4SS   
TG: ( yeah yeah whatever im on it )   
GC: 1 KNOW  
GC: I WONT W1SH YOU LUCK  
GC: W3 BOTH KNOW YOU 4R3 TOO 4W3SOM3 TO N33D 1T   
TG: ( same to you dragongirl )  
TG: ( well throw a victory party when i get back )  
TG: ( <> )   
GC: S4M3 TO YOU, COOLK1D  
GC: <>

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turnwiseGears [TG] \--

**==== >Stop wasting time**

That's a really good idea, except whaddaya know, all of a sudden Kanaya's trolling you. You should probably check just to make sure there haven't been dramatic changes in the basic situation since Terezi contacted you -- or to drop her a heads up if nobody else has clued her in yet. Maryam's your troopmate in the "wrong continent, always last to know" brigade. You owe her a quickie explanation out of solidarity if nothing else.

\-- grimAuxilliatrix [GA] began trolling turnwiseGears [TG] \--

GA: Hello Davven   
TG: ( hey maryam )  
TG: ( this isnt the best time im just about to go dramatically save aradia from dying at the eyeblasts of her mind controlled boy toy )  
TG: ( like in one of those shitty romcoms vantas fixates on )  
TG: ( unless you have new and exciting info to change my mind of course )   
GA: No Not As Such  
GA: I Was Merely Trolling You To Inquire Whether Terezi Had Successfully Convinced You To Aid Our Mutual Friend Against Our Other Mutual Friend   
TG: ( hey now dont go implying serkets my friend )  
TG: ( i resent that insinuendo )   
GA: My Apologies  
GA: Against Our Mutual Acquaintance Then If That Terminology Is More Acceptable   
TG: ( yeah sure ok )   
GA: In Any Case Its Apparent That You Understand The Situation And Are Willing To Help  
GA: So I Will Inform Alonde And The Others Of Your Departure  
GA: Assuming You Are About To Depart Rather Than Waste More Time Talking To Me That Is   
TG: ( wow harsh )  
TG: ( but yeah im outie )  
TG: ( catch you on the flipside maryam )  
TG: ( oh yeah and give alonde a virtual bouquet of super mega awesome kawaii sugar honey blossoms )  
TG: ( tell her its a symbol of my undying love )  
TG: ( mwah )

\-- turnwiseGears [TG] ceased trolling grimAuxilliatrix [GA] \--

GA: ...  
GA: I Dont Think Ill Ever Understand You Or Alonde Let Alone The Way You Interact  
GA: Good Luck With Aradia Sollux And Vriska  
GA: I Have A Feeling Youll Need All The Help You Can Get

\-- grimAuxilliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turnwiseGears [TG] \--

**==== >Stop wasting time already!**

Congratulations, you are once again Equius Zahhak!

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

AC: :33 < *ac silently stalks the unsuspecting hoofbeast from downwind*  
AC: :33 < *she flattens to her belly in the tall grass*  
AC: :33 < *her tail lashes behind her in anticipurrtion*   
CT: D --> Nepeta, you will cease this f001ishness immediately   
AC: :33 < shant!  
AC: :33 < *the furocious lioness pounces on her silly purrey*  
AC: :33 < *she says, equius you have to stop vwhiskers from culling aradia tonight*  
AC: :33 < its very impurrtant and if you dont i will never speak to you again!!   
CT: D --> Who is spreading these vile rumors  
CT: D --> Vriska Serket is a deeply unpleasant person but surely she has more respect for the dignity of her position than such actions w001d imply  
CT: D --> There is no honor in culling someone so far beneath her   
AC: :33 < exactly!  
AC: :33 < so you should help us stop her for her own sake :33   
CT: D --> Who e%actly is included in this us   
AC: :33 < efurryone!  
AC: :33 < me and jarlia and alonde and karkat and kanaya and terezi and davven and even feferi!   
CT: D --> Two seadwellers, two foulmouthed instigators with no respect for social order, a troll with a known grudge against my neighbor, and three overly trusting greenb100ds   
CT: D --> This is obviously a plot, and I refuse to be taken in   
AC: :33 < its not a trick!  
AC: :33 < dont be a stupid poopyhead about this, you know youre just making excuses  
AC: :33 < if you dont help you will regret it furever  
AC: :33 < go tangle her in your silly bowstrings  
AC: :33 < roll her up like a ball of yarn and bat her around until she agr33s to leave aradia alone   
CT: D --> No   
AC: :33 < *ac digs her claws into cts flank and caterwauls*  
AC: :33 < *she says, yes!*   
CT: D --> No   
AC: :33 < yes!   
CT: D --> No   
AC: :33 < yes!   
CT: D --> No   
AC: :33 < yes! yes yes yesssssssss!!!   
CT: D --> My answer is still no  
CT: D --> And you will stop associating with those people  
CT: D --> This conversation is over

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] blocked arsenicCatnip [AC] \--

**==== >Be Sollux**

Are you sure you want to do that?

**==== >Yes**

Okay. You are now Sollux Captor. Unfortunately your thought processes have been hijacked and suppressed so you can only be represented in visual format.

**==== >...**

That is still not a valid story command! Please try again.

**==== >Be Aradia**

An excellent choice! You are now Aradia Megido. You are in the middle of trying to undo the changes you made to your laptop battery when you turned it into a lamp battery. For some unknown reason, this is twice as hard as the first reconfiguration, even though you did that one under pressure in iffy light. You could just plug the laptop directly into the wall socket -- if there is one thing carpenter drones are good at, it's making sure every wiggler's hive is connected to the planet-wide electric grid! -- but that feels like admitting defeat and you are a more competitive troll than many of your friends would suspect. You are going to fight this silly battery until you win, or else!

**==== >Stop wasting time**

Why? It's not like you're in a hurry. The world won't end if you send your photo files to Alonde tomorrow instead of tonight. Besides, you want to have bragging rights when you talk to Sollux. Obviously he could manage this in twenty seconds flat and he'll brush your struggles off as stupid, but you know he likes it when you show interest in his specialties, just like you get a warm, squishy feeling in your chest when he sends you censored archeological dissertations he's found hidden in odd corners of the internet.

You squint down at the battery and make one last adjustment. Everything seems to be back in order and theoretically this means you can pop it into your computer with no problems whatsoever. Of course, theory and practice don't always agree. But what the hell! The worst that can happen is your computer will blow up and you'll have to fly over to Sollux's hivestem tomorrow and appropriate one of his spares.

You're not wild about apiary tech -- call you crazy, but you kind of like inanimate power sources, or at least ones you're not directly responsible for feeding or making sure raptormom doesn't chase all over your hive (and probably get stung silly for her troubles) -- but in a pinch, a computer is a computer, and Sollux definitely takes good care of his equipment.

**==== >You won't have a tomorrow if you don't stop wasting time!**

0_0

You have no idea why you just had that thought. Maybe because you were thinking about Sollux? He gets into these fits of gloom where he thinks he's as doomed as all the imminently deceased trolls whose dying screams he hears. But you are quite sure that you intend to live.

Something scratches at the door of your hive and you glance over to see raptormom's tail inching through the little flap you added for her. (Kanaya and Terezi both scolded you for carelessness when you told them, but you live close enough to the drone-farms that there's hardly any zombie risk and anyway, you're pretty sure in a contest of telekinesis versus zombies, you'd win hands down.) Raptormom gets almost all the way in, only her muzzle left outside. Then she stops and whines.

Oh, not again. You're glad she can hunt for herself, but you wish she were a little better about judging what can and can't fit through her entry-flap _before_ she gets things stuck halfway through.

**==== >Open the door**

In a minute! First you are going to put your reconstructed battery into your laptop and see what happens.

**==== >Fine, blow up your computer; it will only be the first of many explosions tonight**

Wow, Sollux must really be rubbing off on you. Your think pan keeps going off on weird morbid tangents.

Oh well, nobody ever said romance didn't have its ups and downs!

You tell raptormom to wait just a little and pop the battery carefully into the waiting socket. Then you close the cover plate and press the power button.

Nothing explodes. You let out the breath you were holding and leave the machine on your desk to finish booting up while you go see what raptormom brought home this time.

**==== >Peer through little flap to investigate raptormom's catch**

That would be awkward and also pointless. You just open the door.

Raptormom has wriggled back out through her flap and is sitting proudly on your doorstep, prey displayed artistically at her feet. You frown, trying to work out what on Alternia she killed. It doesn't quite look like anybeast you've seen before. The colors are all wrong, almost artificial in a way. Oh shit, did she hunt down one of your northern neighbor's little toy robots again? Hermia always get so pissed off when that happens and then you have another perigee of stupid spybots tapping on your windows and mysterious viruses on your computer until she gets pissed off at someone else and moves on.

You bend down to examine the contraption more closely.

A single baleful glass eye stares up at you from under a ceramic hoofbeast mask.

Oh.

Oh fuck no.

How did raptormom even _find_ that horrible thing?

**==== >Freak out**

You get righteously angry instead. It's one thing to find a creepy artifact in a creepy, pitch-black underground maze buried by volcanic ash. It's another thing entirely to have your lusus try to _bring the creepy puppet home_.

You snatch the evil thing away from raptormom, who spots your anger and begins to whine and leap toward your hands, which are holding the puppet as far from your body as you can trollfully manage. Normally you would give in -- you hate making your lusus unhappy, when she's been so good to you over the sweeps -- but you have your limits and this is one of them.

There will be NO PUPPETS in your hive. None of the puppets! None at all! Ever! And _particularly_ not skeevy concupiscent pornographic puppets that seem designed to appeal to Vriska's creepy neighbor's kinks.

**==== >Dispose of evil thing**

Throwing it away obviously didn't work -- the old drains in the buried group hive must still be connected to the local watershed -- so this time you'll have to destroy it up close and personally. Well, never let it be said that Aradia Megido backed down from a challenge! And fortunately telekinesis is very, very good at breaking things. You can't reduce matter down to its component atoms like Sollux can, but dust and ash are well within your repertoire.

**==== >Go wild**

You float the creepy relic into the air and prepare to unleash psionic hell.

Davven Kronos blinks in just in time to catch a faceful of puppet ass.

You barely manage to fling your hand aside, altering your aim just enough to keep from blowing off his head as a follow-up.

Davven blinks down at the puppet in his hands, blinks up at you, and raises a single eyebrow. You smile awkwardly. Talk about embarrassing! How in the world are you going to explain this? And come to think of it, what is Davven doing at your hive in the first place? You're not the kind of friends who drop by without arranging the visit at least a night in advance, and even then only as one element of a party with several of your other mutual friends. Something strange must be afoot.

As you open your mouth to ask what's going on, your computer finishes booting up and two dozen Trollian windows open with simultaneous angry beeps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendly reminder: I post this story in sections under the [-trollstuck](http://edenfalling.dreamwidth.org/tag/-trollstuck) tag on my journal, which is the best place for influencing the immediate direction of the plot. I am always open for more long-range suggestions, though, and you can leave those anywhere.
> 
> Also, a note about the chaptering. You may have noticed that I suddenly put a hard chapter count on this fic, though there is obviously no way to get all the plot threads resolved in that amount of words. What I have decided, for the sake of my own sanity, is that I am going to treat each story arc as a separate fic. This will also give readers some convenient stopping points and (hopefully) mitigate my erratic writing speed. So this particular arc will end when the Vriska-vs.-Aradia situation is resolved one way or another (chapter 9), plus some epilogue/aftermath scenes (chapter 10).
> 
> I'm not sure what the next plot arc will be, but I think something more slice-of-life might be a nice change of pace. :-)


	9. Shatterpoint

**==== >Equius: Doubt**

That is a very vague directive. You doubt many things. You doubt the wisdom of building your hive so close to Vriska Serket's own domicile. You doubt your ability to keep your moirail safe from her own overly trusting nature. You doubt the absorbency claims of the newest set of towels you purchased to replace the ones gone threadbare from too-frequent laundering.

You do not, however, doubt anything about the hemospectrum or your place on it. Not in the slightest. You are quite certain it forms the bedrock of trollish life, both biologically and culturally, and all morality must be informed by its rules. Therefore Vriska Serket cannot and will not strike at Aradia Megido without provocation; equally, Aradia, as a rustblood, must have shown and will doubtless continue to show proper decorum and not provide any such pretext.

You are abso100tely sure of this.

**==== >Really?**

You ignore the strangely persistent question and instead answer the convenient chat window that has popped up on your mobile computing device.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

GA: Hello Equius  
GA: Nepeta Tells Me That You Refuse To Believe That Vriska Is About To Kill Aradia  
GA: Is There Any Way I Can Convince You To Set Aside Your Prejudices And Face The Truth   
CT: D --> If there were any such truth to face I would face it in a STRONG manner  
CT: D --> But that is an entirely hypothetical question as no such situation e%ists  
CT: D --> It is simply too 100di% to contemplate   
GA: Very Well  
GA: Clearly Youre A Lost Cause And Any Attempts At Persuasion Would Merely Waste Time   
CT: D --> You will leave Nepeta out of this foolishness   
GA: I Will Concentrate My Efforts On More Fruitful Plans   
CT: D --> I insist that you stop pandering to her love of melodrama   
GA: That Sounds Like Something Youll Have To Discuss With Nepeta Herself  
GA: I Would Never Presume To Step Between Moirails Over Such Personal Issues  
GA: As For Your Other Relationships Im Sure Aradia Will Remember Your Indifference And Treat You Accordingly   
CT: D --> What e%actly are you insinuating   
GA: Assuming She Survives That Is  
GA: Goodbye

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

CT: D --> I demand that you e%plain why you think  
CT: D --> Oh fiddlesti%

**==== >Be Vriska**

No problem!

You are so glad you asked the horrorterrors to turn your secret advantage into a magical spy camera. It is THE 8EST. Even Marquise Mindfang would be drooling all over herself in jealousy at how useful and awesome this little game cheat is. Okay, it'd be nice to get sound as well as visuals, but you've got it rigged up to split screen project _every single one_ of those losers from that memo, plus Terezi on general principles, and of course Megido herself. (You haven't bothered setting up a window on Captor. What's the point when you can see out of his own eyes any time you want?)

You are keeping the closest eye on Alonde, since she's the one most likely to do something actually relevant -- everyone else is just type-type-typing away on their computers, as if _talking_ ever changed anything. But Alonde's section is almost blacked out now, as if she's found a way to shield against even the powers of the Furthest Ring. It should be impossible! Nothing is supposed to be beyond your vision eightfold, especially not when combined with your secret advantage. She has to be cheating -- and how dare she?!

Something catches the corner of your boring old normal eye and you shift your attention from the blank, black square to the flicker of motion. It's probably nothing, but there is no way you are going to let anyone abscond out of this doomsday scenario. You are so done with playing nice and making apologies nobody ever accepts. If this is what it takes to get rid of the ghosts and get everyone else off your back, then _game on_.

For once, everything is going to go exactly to plan.

**==== >Are you sure about that?**

Yes of course you--

Oh, _shit_. No. No, this can't be happening. Why do all your plans fall apart? Why is everyone always out to get you? 

This has to be Terezi's fault. No way would Davven Kronos show up to chat with Megido in person unless someone gave him orders, and you're pretty sure he had some kind of fight with Agaion a perigee or two ago so Terezi's the only option. Damn her! It's not enough to break your partnership, she has to start actively sabotaging you too?

If Kronos convinces Megido to listen, there's no telling where on the planet they'll blip off to, and even Sollux takes time to travel. You have to pin them in place before they get their act together and escape.

You've never tried to control him before, especially not when you're already controlling someone else, but no matter what Terezi says, you know other ways to manipulate people. Proving that by messing around with her stupid moirail will be the icing on the cake of your victory.

**==== >Vriska: Improvise**

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling turnwiseGears [TG] \--

AG: Heeeeeeeey Davven!  
AG: Nice night for a little visit 8etween friends, isn't it?  
AG: I'm sure Aradia's 8oyfriend won't mind at all. :::;)   
TG: ( oh gog not you )  
TG: ( first aradia throws devilpuppets from hells asshole at my face now you want to play happy hatefriends )  
TG: ( what next nitram shows up to throw me a wriggling day party )  
TG: ( no wait not nitram )  
TG: ( ampora does )  
TG: ( and get this )  
TG: ( its for totally platonic bro reasons not his weird ass needy lovelove hoofbeastshit )  
TG: ( thats the level of what the fuck were talkin here )  
TG: ( youre too late im absconding with aradia and i can keep going all day )  
TG: ( no matter where you send captor guess what well be gone before he arrives )  
TG: ( so what do you even want )   
AG: To talk!  
AG: Is that such a crime?   
TG: ( in your case right here right now )  
TG: ( yeah )  
TG: ( qed )   
AG: And people wonder why I think every8ody is against me. May8e it's 8ecause they are! And for no good reason.  
AG: All I'm doing is talking and you make me sound like the 8iggest evil in the history of the empire.   
TG: ( not what i said but im not gonna waste time arguing )  
TG: ( youre just talking cause youre trying to distract me and get a free shot with captors eyebeams of doom )  
TG: ( newsflash it aint gonna work )  
TG: ( see you whenever hopefully never )   
AG: W8!  
AG: If you're so desperate to save her, why not hand over your computer and let us talk one-on-one?  
AG: Who knows, we may find common ground and call this whole thing off.   
TG: ( fuck no im not handing my hard earned technology over to a pissed off telekinetic )  
TG: ( how stupid do you think i am )   
AG: Honestly? Pretty dum8!  
AG: If you knew I was trying to distract you, you shouldn't have 8een talking to me at all.  
AG: Now repeat after me:  
AG: I'm a can of gru8sauce, short and stout.  
AG: Punch a hole right through me, make a spout.  
AG: Stick me on a stove to hear me shout  
AG: Tip me over and pour me out.  
AG: Ahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

\-- turnwiseGears [TG] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--  
\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

AA: vriska what the hell?  
AA: davven was telling me s0mething ab0ut s0llux and mind c0ntr0l and revenge  
AA: 0r at least i think thats what he meant, his metaph0rs get really c0nv0luted s0metimes  
AA: but n0w he keeps twitching and interrupting himself with a stupid wiggler s0ng  
AA: i cant understand anything hes trying t0 say and he d0esnt even n0tice anythings wr0ng  
AA: what are y0u d0ing?!   
AG: Nothing you need to worry a8out, Megido. In a couple minutes, you won't have to worry a8out anything ever again.  
AG: I can't say it's 8een fun knowing you, 8ut it's definitely 8een a 8last!  
AG: :::;)

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] \--

AA: 0h fuck

**==== >Be Alonde**

It is a dark and stormy night. Wind whips the ocean around your reef into a frenzy; thunder cracks and rolls; lightning spears down to ignite the wrack and jetsam caught between the rocks; towering tentacles of foam and salt lash over your hive. You ignore the chaos. Storms blow up at the drop of a hat in this season. It has nothing to do with your work. You have long since dismissed the pathetic fallacy as a bit of superstitious drivel useful only for instilling proper respect in those who would laugh at your interest in Those Beyond.

You kneel in the center of a circle, needles braced between your palms at just the right pressure to pierce your chitinous hide and let your blood drip onto the sigils carved into the floor.

_Iä Cthulhu fhtagn!_

A0r9pgiuj tnwtv bjmvaq, W9UXogrfhnq3 6toi jhq4 n b09u41 ijn8N H4hre1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

**==== >...**

We apologize for the temporary inconvenience. [Please wait while the narrative reboots.](http://homestuck.bandcamp.com/track/elevatorstuck)

**==== >What**

Story commands cannot be processed without a functioning narrative. [Please wait while the narrative reboots.](http://homestuck.bandcamp.com/track/elevatorstuck)

**==== >The**

Story commands cannot be processed without a functioning narrative. [Please wait while the narrative reboots.](http://homestuck.bandcamp.com/track/elevatorstuck)

**==== >Actual**

Story commands cannot be processed without a functioning narrative. [Please wait while the narrative reboots.](http://homestuck.bandcamp.com/track/elevatorstuck)

**==== >Bulge-licking**

Story commands cannot be processed without a functioning narrative. [Please wait while the narrative reboots.](http://homestuck.bandcamp.com/track/elevatorstuck)

...

...

...

Reboot failed. Abort or retry?

**==== >Reboot narrative**

Okay! [Please wait while the narrative reboots.](http://homestuck.bandcamp.com/track/elevatorstuck)

**==== >You have got to be shitting me**

Story commands cannot be processed without a functioning narrative. [Please wait while the narrative reboots.](http://homestuck.bandcamp.com/track/elevatorstuck)

...

...

...

**==== >Make the goddamn music stop!**

Narrative successfully rebooted!

As a reward for your impeccable manners and exemplary patience, you are once again Equius Zahhak. Congratulations!

**==== >Fuck**

Abso100tely not.

**==== >...**

That is _still_ not a valid story command. Please try again.

**==== >Equius: Go deal with Vriska already!**

You have no desire nor intent to visit Vriska Serket any time in the rest of your natural lifespans. Besides, you're still busy collecting usable scraps from Jothan's rocketcycle. You have no time for pointless socialization.

**==== >Then why do you keep answering when people troll you?**

Online interactions are completely different from the protocols that govern personal encounters between trolls, particularly trolls of such standing as you and (regrettably) your neighbor. For example, while it would be unthinkable for you to disgrace yourself by visiting Terezi Pyrope's hive -- those of lower blood should always come to their superiors, to show respect and diligence -- it is perfectly acceptable to answer should she contact you via Trollian.

Which, as if to prove your point, she is doing right this moment.

You hope it's not more of this nonsense Nepeta has taken to heart.

**==== >Answer Terezi**

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

GC: 3QU1US Z4HH4K, 1 4M D1S4PPO1NT3D 1N YOU  
GC: K4RK4T, K4N4Y4, 4ND N3P3T4 4LL T3LL M3 YOU 4R3 B31NG, 4S N3P3T4 PUT 1T, 4 G14NT POOPYH34D  
GC: 4ND R3FUS1NG TO B3L13V3 TH4T 4 P3RSON 1 KNOW YOU DONT TRUST W1TH YOUR MO1R41LS L1F3 M1GHT SOM3HOW 4LSO B3 C4PABL3 OF 3ND4NG3R1NG 4R4D14S L1F3  
GC: TH3R3 1S 1GNOR4NC3 4ND TH3R3 1S W1LFULL CR1M1N4L STUP1D1TY  
GC: T4K3 4 W1LD GU3SS WH1CH ON3 1 S33 H3R3   
CT: D --> I refuse to be corralled into your personal feud with my neighbor  
CT: D --> Any quarrel she may have with Aradia Megido is likewise none of my concern  
CT: D --> Assuming such a quarrel exists at all, which I find dubious  
CT: D --> Any self-respecting lowb100d sh00ld know better than to trigger a highb100d's aggressive instincts   
GC: H4  
GC: H4H4  
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4  
GC: H4V3 YOU 3V3R *M3T* 4R4D14?  
GC: 4ND 1F YOU D1D M33T H3R, HOW LONG D1D 1T T4K3 YOU TO M3NT4LLY 3R4S3 H3R P3RSON4L1TY 4ND R3PL4C3 1T W1TH SOME CR33PY F3T1SH1ST1C N1GHTDR34M?   
CT: D --> You will cease making such 100d insinuations at once   
GC: STOP TH1NK1NG 4BOUT WH4T YOUR C4ST31ST C4R1C4TUR3 OF 4 P3RF3CT RUSTBLOOD WOULD DO 4ND 3XTR4POL4T3 4R4D14S B3H4V1OR FROM WH4T SH3S 4CTU4LLY DON3 1N TH3 P4ST  
GC: L1K3 CH4LL3NG3 M3 4ND VR1SK4 4T FL4RP  
GC: SH3 C4M3 TO US, NOT TH3 OTH3R W4Y 4ROUND!  
GC: 4ND SH3 W3NT 4FT3R VR1SK4 1N R3TURN FOR WH4T VR1SK4 D1D TO T4VROS   
CT: D --> But  
CT: D --> Why w00ld she step in for  
CT: D --> That is completely beyond the bounds of   
GC: B3C4US3 TH3YR3 FR13NDS, DUH  
GC: FR13NDS 4R3 ST1LL 4 TH1NG TH4T 3X1STS  
GC: WH1CH, BY TH3 W4Y, 1S 4LSO WHY 3V3RYON3 1S TRY1NG TO S4V3 H3R  
GC: MOST OF US 4R3 TOO F4R 4W4Y TO M4K3 4NY D1R3CT D1FF3R3NC3 BUT YOU L1V3 R1GHT N3XT DOOR TO VR1SK4  
GC: AT L34ST GO S33 FOR YOURS3LF 1F W3R3 T3LL1NG TH3 TRUTH   
CT: D --> No  
CT: D --> She w001d never let me in without a proper prete%t  
CT: D --> I have none, and it's beneath my dignity to break and enter like a common criminal  
CT: D --> Besides, any hypothetical cycle of revenge is a private affair and I have no e%cuse to interfere   
GC: 4RGH  
GC: N3P3T4 1S R1GHT  
GC: YOUR3 4 G14NT POOPYH34D   
CT: D --> I'm sure she said no such thing  
CT: D --> She knows I disapprove of such crude language   
GC: S1GH  
GC: LOOK, WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG R1GHT NOW?   
CT: D --> Gathering the broken remnants of Jothan Aeolio's rocketcycle, which fell into the chasm next to my hive when he had an unfortunate encanter with my neighbor's latest doomsday device  
CT: D --> He knocked himself unconscious and is currently recovering in my hive  
CT: D --> It's only polite to offer him the salvage and my technical e%pertise if he chooses to restore the machine rather than requisition a replacement   
GC: BUT H3S NOT 1N YOUR H1V3 4NYMOR3!  
GC: K4RK4T S41D  
GC: W41T, TH4TS 1T  
GC: TH4TS YOUR PR3T3XT  
GC: SORRY, PR3T3%T  
GC: L1ST3N, JOTH4N BROK3 OUT OF YOUR H1V3 A L1TTL3 B1T 4GO 4ND W3NT OV3R TO S33 VR1SK4  
GC: 1F YOU W4NT TO G1V3 H1M H1S S4LV4G3 YOULL H4V3 TO GO OV3R TH3R3 TOO   
CT: D --> That doesn't follow at all  
CT: D --> I can make the offer via Trollian and arrange a physical meeting at any mutually a%eptable time   
GC: DOUBL3 4RGH W1TH GRUBS4UC3 4ND 4 CH3RRY ON TOP!  
GC: 1 G1V3 UP  
GC: 3NJOY YOUR L1F3T1M3 OF R3GR3TS  
GC: 1 HOP3 1TS V3RY, V3RY LONG

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

**==== >Be the squiddleterror**

**==== >Oh fuck**

That seems like a reasonable summation of the state of events. Would you like to do anything about it?

**==== >How about a deus ex machina?**

How about not?

**==== >Are we still being the squiddleterror?**

In lieu of any commands to the contrary, yes, you are still a squamous, eldritch abomination born of the willing union of a transformed squid and a minor denizen of the Furthest Ring, seeking to expand its horizons via a bargain with a most intriguing denizen of spacetime. There is, of course, an element of risk in such dealings, but the experience has certainly been interesting thus far.

What would you like to do?

**==== >Squiddleterror: Attack Sollux**

Alas, you are limited in your comprehension of this strange world of energy and spacetime. Your summoner directed you to protect entity-concepts she identified by the name-concepts "Aradia" and "Davven." The concept "Sollux" is not in your vocabulary.

**==== >Okay, do you see that light on the horizon?**

What is light?

**==== >Argh**

What is argh?

**==== >Just go save Aradia and Davven!**

You undulate painfully through the drag of spacetime and subatomic particles toward one of the entity-concepts you are tasked with guarding. Unfortunately the entity-concept known as Aradia misconstrues your intent and retreats toward the strange locked-energy construct rising from the massive pulsation of locked-energy which your summoner identified by the name-concept "Alternia."

The entity-concept known as Davven maintains its fixed relationship to the local arrangement of spacetime, allowing you to draw within manipulation range.

What would you like to do?

**==== >Snap Davven out of Vriska's mind control**

What is mind-control?

**==== >Uh. It's when one entity-concept imposes its will on another entity-concept's consciousness and will without the second entity-concept's consent?**

Oh. Yes, now that you know what to look for, you can see traces of a foreign entity-concept's influence tangling the currents that form the self of the entity-concept known as Davven. Removing them would be simple in the Furthest Ring. In this frame of reality, you are less sure of the tools at your disposal.

Nonetheless, this is clearly within your overall mission of protection. You ponder your options and make a first attempt.

**==== >Be Davven**

You are trying to _twinkle twinkle little star_ explain to Aradia that Vriska has _how I wonder what you are_ staged a hostile takeover of Sollux's so-called _warship or a satellite_ think pan and you've gotta blow this _orbiting in endless night_ popsicle stand before he shows up to _twinkle twinkle little star_ blow both of you into the _how I wonder what you are_ next millennium, but she keeps making weird--

\--faces like she _sing a song of caegars_ doesn't understand you, which is _a pocketful of lies_ stupid since you're hardly using any metaphors _four and twenty flapbeasts_ at all. You're starting to think _baked in a pie_ you should just grab her _when the pie was opened_ hand, blink away and explain _the flapbeasts all were dead_ once you're somewhere _the Condesce culled the bakers_ safer. You also want _and made fresh pie with their heads_ her to give back--

\--your computer. You worked _how many miles to Sandedge port?_ your nubile young ass off scavenging _the maps have lost their lines_ zombies and their victims to gather _can I get there before daylight?_ enough fancy shit to barter with the tech _yes if you are signed_ outlet in the nearest desert-edge town _if you're cunning and fast in flight_ in return for actual useful handheld _you can get there before daylight_ technology, and you're not interested--

\--holy shit, there's a giant eldritch squidbeast crooning in your ears and papping your face with a gelatinous tentacle, your body feels weird and heavy like your arms and legs have fallen asleep, and unless Aradia's learned to teleport you think you've just lost time. Also, _why do you keep thinking in wiggler rhymes?_

You can feel another one trying to worm its way into your personal narrative flow, but fuck that, you just weren't paying close enough attention before (or maybe you weren't in the right frame of mind; apparently being cuddled by one of Alonde's pets does wonders for your concentration), and if spiderbitch thinks she can make you into her puppet without a fight, she has another think coming.

And also an infestation of fire-crabs in her hive, if you can find a breeding colony and if they survive the climate difference between your place and hers, but that's revenge for another night. Right now you need to get out of here before--

You blink away reflexively.

**==== >Be Jothan**

You'd rather not be yourself just now, thanks. If you were somebody else you might not be climbing this endless stairway.

That's not a figure of speech. You're starting to think the stairway is literally endless. Why does Vriska even have so many stairs in her hive? Half of them don't lead anywhere except more stairways! You've never realized before just how confusing this place is. Sure, you know how to get from the meal block to the ablution block to Vriska's respiteblock, but now that you think back, every time you've gone beyond that limited area, Vriska's been with you to guide the way.

You are ashamed to admit that you are lost in your best friend's hive.

Also, the stairs are really badly designed in a lot of places -- changing from too high to too shallow with no warning -- and terribly lit to boot. Maybe Davven has a point when he delivers portentous warnings about stairs. Maybe these stairs are the apotheosis of all stairs, and every stairway can secretly turn this evil if you turn your back at the wrong moment.

Or maybe you're still just a little concussed.

Whatever. Onward!

**==== >Be Vriska**

The downside to vision eightfold is that blinding explosions tend to be _even more blinding_ than for normal trolls. You rub your eyes again, smearing blueish tears onto the cuffs of your jacket, and squint at the pictures your secret advantage is projecting on the wall.

Captor got to Megido's hive and blew it up, but you're not sure if he got Aradia in the same strike. The minute Alonde's stupid squid arrived, her stupid fake cheating magic started to blur the screens, and sheesh, trying to aim out of Captor's eyes is _awful_. Everything is all swimmy with electric crackles and you have no idea how he can see at all, let alone focus enough to read a computer screen.

You're not sure if Captor got Kronos either. You've lost contact with his tiny little brain, but he was starting to push you out anyway -- stupid squid, ruining things again! -- so who even knows what actually broke the link.

Whatever. Like it matters! Even if he blinked out at the last second, you just need to keep him away from Megido, and oh hey, guess what you have at your disposal! Yeah, that's right -- one genuine accept-no-substitutes starship-class psionic. If you want generalized mayhem, Captor is ready to provide (at least when you're running the show). You close your eyes and make him toss off a few blasts in random directions. Maybe you'll get lucky and he'll explode the rest of the squid while he's at it.

You're due a bit of luck.

**==== >Be Equius**

You are still down in the canyon, gathering salvage. You are quite sure that you have now retrieved all the pieces that are of any useful size, but you find your attention pulled inexorably toward your neighbor's lusus and the lowest entrance to her hive.

**==== >Find dubious excuse to visit your neighbor for no real reason**

It's obvious that there is no truth to your acquaintances' persistent allegation that Vriska intends to execute Aradia, let alone to the assertion that she is carrying out such an action at this very moment. Nonetheless, upon due investigation you have noticed a broken window in the first basement level of your own hive, and a matching broken window on your neighbor's hive with a rope hanging down, which suggests that if nothing else, Terezi was correct when she said that you have a pretext available should you wish to visit Vriska.

As previously stated, you do not wish to visit Vriska. To be blunt, if it were not unthinkable due to your shared social status, you would be quite happy never to associate with her again.

But Nepeta is upset enough to badmouth you to others. This implies quite a bit of distress.

You dislike the idea of your moirail's distress. It would be a relatively small thing to acquire irrefutable proof that her fears for Aradia's safety are baseless.

You find that you have wandered dangerously near the edge of the web while lost in thought, and your neighbor's lusus is staring speculatively at you with at least five eyes. Its fangs glisten with venom, and the razor-sharp pincers at the end of one leg click lazily.

You hastily leap to the landing and retreat with dignity into your neighbor's lair.

**==== >Be Aradia**

You are going to kill Vriska Serket.

Forget ghosts! Forget trying to teach her a lesson! Instead of learning that there are consequences to hurting her friends and trying to be a better person, she's obviously decided that it makes way more sense to get rid of anyone who stands up to her.

Well screw her! You are not going to die, and you're especially not going to let Vriska use Sollux against you.

You dodge another wild eyeblast, reflecting the edge with your own telekinesis. It's getting harder every time, and you need to save some oomph for striking back once you get a good opportunity. You're not sure if knocking Sollux out will break him free from Vriska's control, but if nothing else it ought to scramble his psionics and make it harder for her to aim -- speaking of which, wow, she has shitty aim! She hasn't managed to hit you once, and it's not like you have anywhere to hide since she knocked your hive in on itself.

The poor squiddleterror is less fortunate. You think it's dying. It's a little hard to tell since its anatomy doesn't quite make geometric sense, let alone biological sense, but its weird magenta-black glow is starting to fade and you're fairly sure that's a bad sign. It keeps trying to get between you and Sollux, blowing clouds of glowing ink at his eyes and lashing fitfully with its remaining tentacles. You're grateful it seems to be on your side, but at the same time you wish it would get out of the way and give you a clear shot!

You have no idea what happened to Davven. You can't hear his ghost, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Lots of people don't turn into ghosts, and even if he did, you're not sure what effect dying in the middle of Alonde's black majjyyks might have -- he could've been sent to the Furthest Ring for all you know.

But right now, you have more important things to worry about.

Sollux stops turning. He hovers in place, arms and legs hanging limp, like a discarded puppet. His glasses dangle loosely from one hand. Slowly, he faces downward, tilts his head until he's facing the squiddleterror's center of mass.

You lift into the air, ready to ambush him from behind.

Energy crackles, building to an unbearable pitch.

Sollux draws a breath, rolls his shoulders in an obscene parody of Vriska's body language. He raises his head.

You move.

**==== >Be Jarlia**

You are curled up against the warm outside base of your recuperacoon, participating in yet another inadvisable memo, which we will enter in medias res:

GG: but listen even if aradia lives what are we going to do about vriska?  
GG: shes a huge loose cannon!  
GG: and its not like the rest of us always have impeccable judgment either   
CG: SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.    
GA: Please Refrain From Blackflirting In The Open Memo   
AC: ;33 < no go on, flirt all you want!!  
AC: :33 < *ac doodles even more totally canon spades around gg and cg*   
GC: P1CS OR 1T D1DNT H4PP3N   
AC: :33 < ill send you an attachment   
GC: Y3SSSSSSS!    
GG: ......  
GG: this is so embarrassing   
TT: -> People, please. <-  
TT: -> You are all doubtless adorable beyond words, but we have serious business at hand. <-  
TT: -> Aradia's survival or lack thereof is now beyond our power to affect, but we can and should make preparations for inevitable future conflicts within our circle of acquaintances. <-   
CG: YOU MEAN WITHIN OUR CREW.  
CG: IT'S EVEN A NAUTICALLY THEMED WORD. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO SCARED OF IT.    
GA: To Claim Ones Hatefriends As Crew Is A Serious Commitment For Trolls Of Any Age  
GA: The Consequences Of Hasty Choices Can Be Unfortunate   
GC: VR1SK4, FOR 3X4MPL3   
GA: Yes Tonights Events Make A Suitably Dramatic Illustration Of My Point   
AC: :33 < and also karkittys point!  
AC: :33 < if vwhiskers wasnt already crew we wouldnt be in this mess, but she is and we are  
AC: :33 < we n33d to deal with the rampaging furbeast were actually hunting, not some other furbeast we might like better  
AC: :33 < beclaws otherwise we might get eaten, whoops!    
TT: -> They are both fair points, I admit. <-   
GG: uh   
CG: OUR INFINITE AND HUMBLE THANKS FOR DEIGNING TO ADMIT THE FUCKING OBVIOUS.    
GG: guys   
CG: NOW CAN WE MOVE ON FROM FLAPPING OUR FACE APERTURES OVER PHILOSOPHICAL FLUMMERY AND GET ON TO PRACTICAL DETAILS?    
GG: guys!!!!!!  
GG: davven just blinked into my respiteblock   
GC: WH4T   
AC: :33 < omg!!    
CG: IS HE DEAD?    
GG: hes alive!  
GG: so was aradia, at least a minute ago  
GG: davven wants me to tell alonde, thanks for the squidbeast, it snapped him out of vriskas control  
GG: but next time you want to pap him by proxy please remember he already has a moirail  
GG: your tragic yearning for his hot body will have to take a different quadrant, that ones taken  
GG: oops, not please, plz  
GG: apparently the spelling is important   
GC: OBV1OUSLY TH3 SP3LL1NG 1S TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT 4SP3CT   
GG: and also i shouldnt have used any commas   
GC: TH3R3 1S N3V3R 4NYTH1NG MOR3 1MPORT4NT, 3V3R, UND3R 4NY C1RCUMST4NC3S  
GC: 1F YOU ST1LL C4R3 4BOUT SP3LL1NG 4ND YOUR TYP1NG QU1RK, 3V3RYTH1NG 3LS3 1S 1MPL1C1TLY UND3R CONTROL  
GC: DUH  
GC: T3LL H1M H3S 4 DUMB4SS FOR G3TT1NG PSYCH1C4LLY POSS3SS3D 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3 4ND 1 W1LL SP34K TO H1M V3RY ST3RNLY 4BOUT TH4T TOMORROW   
GG: davven says yeah yeah whatever dragongirl   
CG: TELL HIM THAT I SAY HE'S A DUMBASS FOR SITTING AROUND IN YOUR HIVE INSTEAD OF GOING BACK TO HELP ARADIA.  
CG: WHAT IS HE WAITING FOR, TWELFTH PERIGEE'S EVE?    
TT: -> I second that sentiment. <-   
GA: I Also Concur   
AC: :33 < *ac says, me too!*    
GG: he says hes waiting until he can get a good lock on aradia AND sollux AND the squiddleterror so he doesnt blink right into an eyeblast and die like a tool  
GG: come on guys, dont second guess somebody elses psychic powers  
GG: its rude and makes you look stupid  
GG: oh and he wants to know if theres any way to communicate with the squiddleterror because the ones alondes sent after him always seemed really confused and fought like drunk moobeasts in a flower arranging contest   
CG: HA. THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.    
TT: -> Alas, while I can sometimes see through the eyes of a summons, I cannot speak to them after the circle is broken. <-   
GA: Alonde When Did You Send Your Pets After Davven  
GA: I Thought We Agreed You Would Refrain From Doing That Except In Established Relationships Or As A Genuine Battle Tactic   
AC: :33 < !!  
AC: :33 < *ac scrambles to find her crayons*  
AC: :33 < *she says, omg, why didnt you tell me you were blackflirting with davven?*    
TT: => Because I'm not! <=  
TT: -> The sendings he refers to were from nearly two sweeps ago, Kanaya, when I had only just met you in the knitting chatroom. <-  
TT: -> We were simply testing each other's intentions and abilities. Nothing more. <-   
GG: davven says he loves you too honey sugar pie  
GG: and he just  
GG: uh   
AC: :33 < *ac tilts her head skeptically and says, that doesnt sound like nothing to her*   
GG: vanished, actually   
TT: => He provokes everyone like that, though! <=   
GG: but he was blowing a kiss as he went?    
CG: OH GAG ME WITH A SPOON.    
AC: :33 < *ac thinks tt is purrtesting too much* ;33   
GG: he is so weird   
GA: I Cant Argue With That   
TT: -> ... <-   
GA: Argue With Davven Being Weird I Mean  
GA: Though Alonde You May Be Undermining Your Case As Well   
AC: :33 < haha, s33?    
TT: -> *headdesk* <-   
GC: 1M GO1NG TO S3ND D4VV3N 4 COPY OF TH1S  
GC: H3LL D13 L4UGH1NG   
CG: ASSUMING HE HASN'T ALREADY DIED SCREAMING, YOU MEAN.    
GC: ...    
GG: omg karkat and you say IM bad at people!  
GG: way to help terezi look on the bright side  
GG: first prize for sensitivity goes to YOU   
CG: IT'S A VERY REAL POSSIBILITY THAT HE MIGHT NOT SURVIVE, AND WE ALL SHOULD BE PREPARED FOR  
CG: ...  
CG: NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.  
CG: THAT WAS SHITTY OF ME.  
CG: SORRY, TEREZI.    
GG: good boy   
CG: RRRRRRRRRRRRGH.  
CG: I AM NOT A BARKBEAST. I CANNOT BE TAMED.  
CG: I WILL EXPLODE YOUR COMPUTERS, JUST WATCH ME.    
TT: -> As you wish. This is certainly more entertaining than sitting alone in my hive wondering if we've inadvertently doomed our entire species. <-   
GA: Alonde I Think Davven Is Not The Only One Whose Normal Mode Of Interaction May Be Indistinguishable From Blackflirting  
GA: And I Think Karkat Was Speaking To Jarlia Not Requesting An Audience   
TT: -> That's not what I  
TT: -> ... <-  
TT: -> You may have a point. <-   
GG: hey karkat what are your feelings on exhibitionism? :)    
AC: :33 < *ac perks up with insatiable feline curiosity*   
CG: I REFUSE TO ANSWER THAT.    
GG: scaredycrab :p   
AC: :33 < *ac pouts, then changes the subject*  
AC: :33 < well i just hope efurryone survives  
AC: :33 < even vwhiskers, i guess   
GC: Y34H  
GC: M3 TOO

**==== >Be Davven**

You finally get a good fix on Aradia's where-and-when, and while you're a little shakier on Sollux and the squidbeast, they seem to both be off to the same side; if you put them at two points of an imaginary triangle and jump to the third vertex, you probably won't be in anyone's line of fire for at least a second or two. Probably. Which is important because you can't keep blinking forever. Psychic burnout is still a thing that exists and you'd rather not bleed your think pan out your ears.

Oh well, you only live once. You blow a kiss for Jarlia to send to Alonde -- it's probably dangerous to flirt with someone who can dissect your mind with both literal and metaphorical razors, but see above re: number of trips through this adventure called life -- and blink back to the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny.

Luck is with you -- you don't die immediately!

You're not sure that's going to last much longer, though. Sollux looks like he's gearing up for the mother of all eyeblasts, which is saying something considering the one you already blinked away from, the poor mutilated squidbeast, and the ruins of Aradia's hive, collapsed in on itself and smoking slightly. Off to your right, Aradia is lifting into the air like she wants to ambush him from behind. So far, so good, but... there's a little twist to Sollux's shoulders, a spread to his fingers, that makes your gut say Vriska's not planning a straight shot. She's gonna make him spin.

You can't fly, but you can blink up into midair, grab Aradia, and blink out before you get hit. You just have to time it exactly right.

You take a breath.

Aradia moves.

Sollux opens his eyes.

You blink.

**==== >Be Aradia**

Holy shit there is something on your back get it off _get it off_ \-- oh fuck no you needed to save your psionics now what are you supposed to-- oh _shit_ Sollux is turning you're not fast enough to dodge at this close range-- shield shield _shield_ \--

Something hits your back again and arms close around your chest as the world turns to fire.

**==== >Be Davven**

For a second as you fall you can see the waver of Aradia's shield holding back the inferno. You blink desperately back up -- just one second more, just one, that's all you need, just one single little goddamn second -- and your arms catch fire as they lock around Aradia's body.

Too late. You're both dead.

 _Here and now_ , you're dead.

You've never tried this before, always too scared of the consequences, but you're already dead. It's not like you can die twice, and if you take the rest of the universe with you by accident, well fuck it, maybe the universe deserves to burn.

You close your eyes and reach for here and _then_.

And you blink.

**==== >Be Jothan**

After a long and tiring quest, you have finally reached Vriska's respiteblock. Hurrah!

Her door is shut.

This is not unusual. Vriska gets really into Flarp and likes to pretend she's drawing up her campaigns in a super-secret gamblignant lair or something, and you think she might also shut her door so she gets an extra second of warning if she's looking at stuff online that doesn't match her image. You're not sure why she cares -- it's not like you don't know she's a giant dork. _All_ your friends are giant dorks. They'd be boring if they weren't.

Her door is also locked.

That is unusual. You drop by Vriska's hive a lot, and you've only found her respiteblock door locked three times before. You still have no idea what she was doing those nights. Usually she can't wait to brag about the awesome things she's been doing since the last time you saw her, but every now and then she clams up and the few hints she drops sound almost like Alonde, so you've never pushed. You just hope she isn't getting into black majjyyks. You can handle one huge witch for a hatefriend. Two would be asking for trouble, and anyway, you like Vriska the way she is.

You hesitate, then knock.

No response. You press your ear as close to the door as you can -- it's a little tricky with the angle of your horns -- and hold your breath, hoping to hear some sign that Vriska's still alive. But either the door is soundproofed or there's nothing to hear.

You bite your lip, wondering how mad she'll be if you just break down the door and storm in dramatically like it's the climax of an action movie. Busting up your friend's hive is a shitty thing to do, but it's not like Vriska doesn't bust stuff herself when she's working on her doomsday devices, and anyway, better a broken door than a dead friend, right?

Suddenly you hear heavy footsteps echoing through the maze-like interior of the hive. What the hell? Who else would be visiting Vriska? All the rest of your friends are pissed off at her right now, and you're pretty sure she doesn't have any other friends outside your circle.

She does have enemies, though. What if someone heard she's been having trouble and came to take advantage? 

You close your hands around the haft of your warhammer and press yourself against the wall, waiting for the intruder to round the corner.

**==== >Be Aradia**

The world stutters.

You see yourself floating in front of yourself, see yourself hurl Davven away, see Sollux turn.

You have no strength left.

Fuck that. You're already dead -- you can feel yourself burn, hear yourself scream: eerie counterpoint and harmony to Davven's own screams as he holds you tight. Who care if you kill yourself two seconds faster by pureeing your brain and forcing it out around your eyes?

You grab hold of yourself and Davven and hurl them away. You turn. You raise a shield. One second, and another, and just one more.

Liquid gushes from your nose, runs down your cheeks. Wisps of reddish vapor cloud your sight: blood and brains evaporating as they fall.

You lose the shield.

**==== >Be Davven**

You just died. You just watched yourself die. Aradia died too. Except not _you_ you, and not _Aradia_ Aradia. Future you and future Aradia. But not from the real future -- not anymore, anyway, you think, you hope -- since obviously they _came back in time_ and who does that if it's not a last resort to fix something?

Okay, you're pretty sure Jothan could reel off at least a dozen movies about time travel that don't involve the end of the world and horrible death, but that's not the point.

The point is you've already died once tonight. Unless you blink out of here right the hell now, you're probably going to die again.

You really, really do not want to go the way future you did.

Screw facing Sollux; that's obviously a rigged game. You're going to grab Aradia and go stop this at the source. Now where in the name of lost little squeakbeasts has she gotten to?

**==== >Be Aradia**

There are three new ghosts hovering hazily over the churned-up, burned-up mess that used to be your lawn. Two blur and fade almost before you can identify them: yourself with a wry smile and a wave, Davven frowning, confused and lost with no shades to hide behind.

The third seems even more confused, which isn't surprising. You're not sure horrorterrors have a proper concept of death, which would render the idea of an afterlife completely incomprehensible. Normally you'd be happy to show any new ghost the ropes, but right now you don't have time to explain metaphysics to the psychic remnant of an eldritch squid.

You tap the ghost on one metaphorical tentacle and show it what you need to happen.

**==== >Be Davven**

Light crackles above and to the right. You whirl, ready to blink, but before he can strike Sollux's eyes film over with purple-black. He falls to the ground like an unstrung marionette, black lines crawling uneasily over his skin. The only light left is the fading stars and the slow encroachment of dawn beyond the horizon.

Aradia touches down beside him, stumbles as she lands -- girl looks like she's running on empty but she's not letting it slow her down one bit. She kneels, wedges her hands under the assembly of twigs and bailing wire that masquerades as Sollux's body, and hauls him over her shoulder. Then she stands and faces you, grim as the sun at noon. 

"This needs to end."

You look at the ruins of her hive, the little smoldering fires in the grass, the squidbeast dissolving into putrid slime, your own dead body still clinging to hers -- shattered and smoking and all too recognizable despite the burns. You spread your hands. "Great idea. How?"

"Can you still blink?" she asks.

You take a moment to check your tank. "Yeah. Probably five or six trips with only me. Three or four if I'm playing chauffeur to you and Captor."

"We only need one. Take us to Vriska," Aradia says. She points behind you, at the corpses. "Take all of us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, the chapter count changed. Again. My outlines always expand on me; I should know this by now. *sigh*
> 
> The art consists of one colored pencil drawing somewhat modified in MS Paint, and four constructions built of previous bits of art -- one construction paper cutout (the tentacles) and one colored pencil drawing with MS Paint modifications -- and some futzing around with MS Paint, which I am becoming weirdly and inexplicably fond of. Is it possible for terrible art programs to induce Stockholm Syndrome in users???


End file.
